Summary: It has finally happened.  Hollywood has officially run out of ideas and is now asking 10 year-olds for script ideas.  Don't get me wrong; I absolutely loved this movie.  But anyone over a 5th grade maturity level may not share mine and Keanu's enthusiasm for Jack Frost.

Our crappy movie is set in the beautiful town of Snomonton (I'm not kidding).  A clearly labeled death row transport vehicle with a death row prisoner is en route to the death row appointment during a death row blizzard of death.  A clearly labeled genetic test tube transport vehicle blindsides the clearly labeled death row transport vehicle in the snow, allowing the prisoner, Jack Frost, to escape out the back.  Before he can make good on his escape, the genetic test tube transport vehicle opens and sprays him with genetic mutation liquid that is so popular in horror movies (See Mansquito).  He melts into the snow and turns into a killer mutant snowman, angry at the world and the 10 year-olds who wrote this movie.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Sam daydreams back to the day he captured the notorious Jack Frost and sent him to Snomonton's High Security Prison for Armed & Dangerous Snowmen.  While being arrested, Jack Frost vowed to exact revenge on the Sheriff (and his little dog too).  Sheriff Sam breathes a sigh of relief because he believes that the killer has been sent to that little igloo in the sky and cannot fulfill his dastardly promise.  Little does he know that Jack Frost has turned into a paper-mache killer snowman that can melt himself into a liquid and return to a solid at will.  Should we tell him?  Nah, he'll find out in about 5 minutes when all his friends are killed.

Jack Frost starts his rampage by targetting America's youth.  There is a bully named Billy who has been terrorizing Sheriff Sam's son Ryan.  Jack Frost lops off his head with a sled, thus making everyone believe that Ryan has finally grown some balls and fought back against the kid who stole his lunch money and wrote "Ryan is a doo doo head" on his locker at school.  Sheriff Sam is the only one who believes his son about the giant snowman who pushed Billy under the sled.  I tell you, if my son ever came to me with a cockamamie story like that, I'd cut me a switch.

Our snow killer moves on to bigger game as he targets the dead bully's parents.  The father meets an ugly demise as Jack shoves an axe handle down his throat (my girlfriend could have handled it no problem).  Jack then attacks the mourning mother by strangling her with Christmas tree lights and bashing her head repeatedly into Christmas ornaments.  The sister (Shannon Elizabeth of American Pie fame) is off doing what she does best:  being a slut with some random guy on the night of her brother's death in the sheriff's house when he is off at work.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great idea to break into the sheriff's house and engage in dirty hardcore monkey sex on the eve of your brother's brutal murder.  Been there, done that.  But you should probably make sure that there isn't a killer mutant snowman on the loose first.  The illfated adolescent male gets skewered through the head by an icicle before he can pop his rocks into Shannon Elizabeth.  Meanwhile, she is upstairs getting naked, which seems to be in her contract in every movie she is in.  She notices that a mysterious tub of "bathwater" has been drawn for her and so she settles in, closes her eyes, and daydreams of me running naked through a meadow wearing nothing but a smile.  She notices the water getting cold and a carrot has suddenly appeared between her legs.  Jack Frost appears and proceeds to have carrot sex with her, culminating in a snowgasm of pleasure, killing her in the process.  All joking aside, vegetable rape is a serious problem in our country.  One out of every 300 million women will be raped by a snowman in her lifetime and countless more go unreported.   

Jack Frost goes on a spectacular kill phrase frenzy, spouting one-liners left and right as he turns my crappy movie world upside down.   Sheriff Sam tries to coax the local FBI to assist him in the situation, getting the typical "you're on a need to know basis and you don't need to know" bullshit.  They finally tell him that Jack Frost is the product of a government-made virus that was created to bond an inorganic material to human DNA.  Basically, Jack Frost could have been turned into a Carpet Monster or a Toaster Ogre, but he just happened to touch snow first after being doused in the virus.  While grappling with the killer snowman in the back of his car, Sheriff Sam throws a bag of porridge that his son made him at the snowman.  It melts his face off and Jack Frost runs off with his tail between his legs.  He asks his son what he put in the porridge and his son replies, "Antifreeze, I didn't want you to be cold." (Fucking public school system these days).  The Sheriff devises a plan which involves a truckload of antifreeze and a lot of luck.  He battles with Jack Frost on the second story of a building and manages to tackle him through a window into the bed of the truck.  The antifreeze does the trick and Jack Frost is reduced to a gelatinous blob of slime.  The last scene shows the Sheriff burying containers of slime in a cemetary while writing the script for the sequel in his head.
4 Keanus!  A perfect mix of cheesy one-liners, snowman sex, and poorly edited attack sequences had Keanu clapping his hands in glee like a retarded school boy.
Reviewed by Maverick
QUOTES:

"Holy moly! Ryan killed Billy!"

"Gosh, i only axed you for a smoke."

"Well it ain't fucking Frosty!"

"Who are you?"    "The world's most pissed-off snowcone!"