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| Summary: Picture this. A sprawling resort is built on the shore of the majestic and serene waters of Lost Lake. Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster) instructs little kids at as a camp counselor. And an abandoned army base harbors the government's dirty little secret......(no, not nuclear weapons......not deadly viruses.....not even killer snowmen.....come on, those are too obvious) If you guessed killer mutant piranha, you win the little yellow star. The movie starts off with a bang. In the first five minutes, not only did I see a completely nude full-breasted female, I got to see her get eaten as well by thrashing little cardboard cutout fish. Turns out, the young girl (nice cans by the way) is the daughter of a wealthy real estate tycoon who aims to create a resort on the banks of Lost Lake. The old man hires a chick detective (Alexandra Paul from Baywatch) and asks her to find his skanky daughter. Well, the chick detective gets right on it and visits a hermit dude who lives on the shore upriver from the lake to see if he saw anything. "No," he replies. "But there's an abandoned army camp like 2 minutes from my house with a bunch of cool shit, maybe we should check there." So the detective and the hermit mosey on over to the abandoned camp. Deteriorating buildings. Leftover weapons. Freaky killer demon fish. You know, the usual. When they find the pool of water which houses the fish, miss genius detective deduces that the girl must have drowned there. "Let's drain this shit," she exclaims. As the duo are draining the pool into the river, a crazy woman materializes out of thin air and tries to bash them over the head with a crowbar. They render her unconscious with a blow to the nog with an aquarium. When the crazy lady awakens, she calmly informs the pair that they have just released hundreds of psychotic piranha into the river and many people will die because of their thoughtlessness. The piranha are bigger, faster, hungrier, and they can somehow make a screaming noise. Soon after, that woman, a golden retriever, and a middle-aged black man become fishbait. It is around this time that the hermit dude realizes that his daughter is downriver at the lake and will surely be eaten if the dam is open. "Shit, you best not be opening that dam," he tells the dam operator. "Dam." The guy then realizes that the fish were taking an alternate route to the lake through the myriad of waterways nearby. Don't ask me how he knew this. Once the fish reached the lake, they wreak havoc on the little campers who are floating like idiots on their little black inner tubes. Well Punky Brewster was not about to let this happen. She falls into the water heroically and is promptly eaten. The fish move on to the resort and begin to eat those guests as well. The carboard cut-out stock footage used to show the impending piranha is not only incredibly fake, but it's also used so many times that it would make an effective drinking game. The hermit guy and the chick detective realize that they can kill the fish by pumping all sorts of pollutants into the water. They don't seem to care that this will kill off a bunch of friendly animals that are just chilling there. The hermit dude finds the magical pollution knob underwater and releases all sorts of nasty poop toxins into the water. He is nearly eaten by the piranha but is saved and goes off with the detective and his daughter. The last scene shows the beautiful San Diego beachfront and a bunch of swimmers entering the water. But hark! The piranha screaming noise can be heard softly, and it grows louder and louder, until I hit the Stop button. If you wait until the credits, make sure to pay attention to the award-winning song by Uncle Dog Food entitled "Killer Mutant Piranha." |
| Hilarious Quotes: "Have you ever seen the Creature from the Black Lagoon?" This line is spoken by the naked chick in the beginning to her male friend as she exposes herself. "The piranha are coming, you've got to believe me." "The piranha are eating the guests, sir." |
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| 2 and a half keanus. This movie scored points for nudity and Punky Brewster, but it got kind of tedious. Keanu doesn't like tedious. |
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| Reviewed by Maverick |