Deep in the heart of the Turkish forest there lies a secret. A secret so stunning and dangerous that only second rate film directors and computer animation dropouts would dare to try and make a movie about it. A secret that makes your insides quiver and your balls sweat, making that stinky, kind of vinegary sweat smell that you can't get off of your hand. As I am sure you have deduced from that description and the picture on the movie box, I am talking about Dactyls. Big ones. This movie makes you want to forget about all your mundane worries and realize how fortunate you are that in America, we don't have to worry about killer flying dinosaurs, because George W. Bush had them all killed when he was elected. Texans don't believe in dinosaurs.
A dinosaurologist specializing in pterodactylogy takes a small group of his students into the forests of Turkey. Besides the professor, there is one hot chick, two obviously virgin guys, and a girl who kind of looks like a pterodactyl herself. Little do they know that this particular field trip will end up worse than when we had to spend forty five minutes on a busride home from Balboa Park sharing a seat with Mike Ricacho after he had just thrown up his tuna sandwich. Way worse. The group shares some useless dialogue before they stumble across a huge pile of what appear to be bird droppings. The attractive girl decides the take a swim and comes achingly close to revealing all when the dactyls first attack our heroic allstar cast. She escapes her prehistoric adversary and informs the others.
Meanwhile, while our eyes are focused on the skies, Coolio crawls out from under the rock he has been hiding under for the past 10 years to give an epic acting debut (For your consideration, ladies and gentlemen). His role as a battle-weary American Special Forces captain is very believable, and you wouldn't believe the ease with which he handles a gun. His army squad was sent to Turkey to play hardball with some terrorists who were probably trying to cash in on the lucrative pterodactyl fur trade. After giving the sought after criminals a taste of Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio and company go on to meet the others in a chance encounter. After saving the academics from another group of terrorists (is there a terrorist breeding ground in Turkey?), everyone is attacked by the dinosaurs. The grainy superimposed flying images, I mean pterodactyls, "kidnap" one of the girls (not the hot one) and fly her up to their home at the top of the mountain.
Coolio refuses to accept that all is lost. "Damn," he says. "Let's chase those dinosaurs and get that girl back. It will be a Fantastic Voyage." The professor agrees because there is a lot of sexual tension between him and the kidnapped girl. "I'm going up the mountain first Coolio," he says. "C U When You Get There." The team struggles up the mountain after the girl, unnecessarily losing many more people along the way. After blowing up the dactyl nest with a sheep bomb (it would take too long to explain, just go with it) Coolio, the professor, and dactyl girl walk across a meadow, allowing the last dactyl to punk Coolio before he can bust a cap in that ass. The professor heroically steals the missile launcher from Coolio's dead black hands and blows up the dinosaur, confirming the fact that humans are still better than dinosaurs because we have better toys. As the professor and his new girlfriend walk home to America, the director brilliantly decides to leave his options open for a sequel by showing one last egg opening and a Tyrannosaurus Rex screaming. Roll credits.
One might ask, how did these pterodactyls survive? Where did they come from? Why are they eating us? Unfortunately, none of these questions will be explained by this movie. My biggest question however, is one that men young and old should be screaming at the television. Where's the boobs? Somehow, there was not an ounce of tittage to be seen even though the mood was set on several occasions. It's like getting a girl to take off her shirt and then she has another one on underneath. And then you get her to take that one off and suddenly she is wearing a sweater. What the hell? |
