Summary: Is anyone surprised that Corey Feldman is the leading actor in one of our crappy movies? To tell the truth, I was beginning to miss Mr. Feldman and I was pleasantly surprised to see that he was still alive and well.  No but seriously, I had no idea that it was possible for him to look any worse for wear than the last time I saw him searching through my garbage for his acting career.  I was wrong.  I wanted to beat him over the head with a sack of hammers. I've seen better acting (and hotter girls) in an elementary school play.

Corey plays Robert Toulon, a toymaker with an extensive family history in the trade.  In fact, his great uncle Andre first created the living Puppet Master dolls which he used as his own little army to defeat Nazi Germany (seriously, I'm not making this shit up.).  Robert Toulon and his daughter Alexandra use their own blood mixed with a bubbling blue liquid to bring the toys back to life and continue the family legacy.  (Side note: the production company needs to fire their casting agent; the actress that played the daughter looked about 22 years old.  The Feldmeister is only 35 years old. Ergo, using the quadratic formula, we recognize that Robert Toulon was about 13 years old when he had his daughter. And that doesn't even take into account the nine month gestation period of the human fetus!  Even in Arkansas, this is unacceptable.) 

Meanwhile, Erica Sharpe (Vanessa Angel) runs her father's toy company and dreams of possessing a demon toy army of her very own.  (I just recently bought my own on eBay, best purchase I ever made.)  Erica has been spying on Robert Toulon with a hidden camera in his laboratory and has witnessed what he has been able to accomplish.  She has a demon living in the basement of her building and she sacrifices virgins (hot!) to him in an attempt to create her own toy army that she can release on the world.  She has 3 demon toys already but she needs the blood of a Toulon to create the legions she desires.  For some reason, she needs the blood by Christmas Day for the plan to work because they want the toys to come alive all across America in children's presents.  Why do they have to bring baby Jesus into this?  Only Corey Feldman knows for sure and he's too busy sifting through my toilet bowl for his dignity to answer.   

Toulon is attacked in his laboratory by thugs hired by Erica Sharpe.  Toulon gets punched in the nose and falls to the floor with only his boxers on (I swear I saw his weiner) and the thugs are attempting to steal the dolls.  His toy bodyguards step in and kick some thug ass, although they get a little beat up in the process when a fire breaks out.  The thugs hastily escape through the side door and leap into a moving mini-van so they won't miss their son's soccer game.  Seriously, what genius decided a mini-van was the best choice for a getaway car?  Maybe it was the only car they could thieve on such short notice.  Some poor Mormon family is probably giving the police report for their stolen Dodge caravan as I write this review. 

A police woman shows up at Toulon's basement laboratory because of all the ruckus.  Toulon is standing there on his back porch in just his skivvies trying to explain that everything is fine, and that he just fell and bumped his nose while trying to recover his self-respect from the bottom of my shoe.  Somehow, the police women takes a liking to Mr. Feldman, proving once and for all that love is blind and so is this particular police officer.  She bats her lashes at him and tells him to go put some pants on. 

Toulon realizes that Erica Sharpe has been spying on him so he breaks into Sharpe Industries to figure out what's going on.  He is attacked by the demon dolls and runs from the premises screaming and pumping his little Feldman legs as fast as he can.  He is grabbed by security guards who pay no attention to his shouting of "You can't arrest me!  I was in The Goonies!" Miraculously, his little cop girlfriend is there and lets him off the hook. 

To make a stupid and long story short,  the Toulons and the cop find themselves in the basement of Sharpe industries in the presence of the demon.  The bad guys are trying to bleed Alexandra Toulon so that her blood can make the doll army come alive.  Toulon and the cop are able to defeat the demon and Erica Sharpe, stunning the audience with a terrible ending to culminate a terribly terrible movie.

Feldman's acting style was a combination of constipated gorilla and spoiled child actor syndrome, with just a dash of Paul Walker for flavor.  I was disappointed that the movie was called Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys because they only fought against each other for about 5 minutes and it was just a lot of arm waving and childish insults.  By the way,  I wrote this review while sitting on the toilet.

1.5 Keanus to be given to the only shining star in this movie: the hot sacrificed virgin that was only in the movie for about 30 seconds.  You know who you are.  Feldman, shame on you.
Reviewed by Maverick
Robert Toulon: What's the time on that bitch?
Alex: Hey, who you callin' bitch?
Robert Toulon: Sorry! I mean batch... I was thinking about your mother again.

Robert Toulon: Did I ever tell you the story of how the Puppets helped Old Man Toulon fight the Nazis in Germany?