Summary: If you crossed "Donnie Darko" with Kelly Perry, you would end up with this movie. Of course, it would also help if you knew who Kelly Perry was. She was this chick who thought she was so goddamn smart and tried to act way older and more mature than everybody else. A little about Kelly: she drank Perrier water, she went to Harvard on a crew scholarship and got cut, and she was dating a 27-year-old Swedish hang glider with three kids when she was still in high school. If you fucking knew who she was I wouldn't have to write the review for the rest of the movie.
Since you don't know her, here goes. Little Jenny (Susan Satta as Kelly Perry) is orphaned at a very young age and by age 12 she has set herself up nicely in Rome living off her inheritance. She is having a jolly time doling out ridiculously harsh punishments to petty criminals along with her imaginary (surprise!) wolf-friend George, which she refers to by name in every sentence (sign of a bad screenwriter). Who names their dog George? All of a sudden, her nosey grandmother flies in with the thought of taking Jenny back to New York City with her. Jenny is not happy about this. C'mon Jenny, America is a place for new beginnings.
Jenny desperately looks for a way to remain in Rome with George and their psychotic killing ways. The grandma blatantly mentions that she is allergic to peanuts but Jenny fails to get the hint. It is possible that Jenny cannot kill her grandma until she has sinned or some bullshit, so Jenny settles for drugging her nightly instead.
Meanwhile, Jenny has fallen in love with her tutor, Tom. They talk about "Don Quixote" and we as viewers are supposed to be impressed by the writer's amazing grasp of the classic novel and its themes. I love when crappy writers flex their literary muscles by dropping blatant references to books I read in high school. What's next, "Catcher in the Rye" or "Great Expectations"?
Speaking of "Don Quixote", you'll never guess who starred as the wacky knight in *CENSORED* High School's AP Spanish's production: Maverick! Yours truly played Sanson Carrasco, who disguised himself first as the Knight of the Mirrors. This set up a frightening fight during a first period performance between the testosterone-fueled Mav and myself in which I had to let him defeat me. I almost died! But soon, Sanson is back as the Knight of the White Moon and this time I got to beat Mav. Plus we had to talk shit to each other before both fights, ¡en español! That was a depressing six years ago. By the way, Kelly Perry was the fucking narrator!
Back to this movie, Jenny finally decides to disable her grandma for good by forcing peanut butter down her throat, drilling her knee caps and making her watch "Misery" (no joke). She then pretties herself up in a creepy 12-year-old-kind-of-way and sets out to make illegal love to Tom. On second thought, Italian law probably encourages grown men to take advantage of young girls. Alas, poor Jenny sees Tom with a woman his own age, a shocking occurrence for an Italian man. She quickly decides Tom must die. At the same time, the grandma gets the attention of a blind man that's not really blind (I think), and rather than saving the grandma, he awesomely extorts Jenny instead. Tom figures out that bad shit is going down when Jenny calls and invites him over. It was probably the guttural screaming of the grandma from the other phone that tipped him off.
Tom calls the cops and they all go over and shut down Jenny's fucked up little vengeance workshop. This is when George, the seven-foot tall dog with an Anubis mask and cloak, is (un)surprisingly revealed as a figment of Jenny's imagination. Oh really? I thought dogs really turned into huge, intelligent bipeds when they got older. She gets sent to a nuthouse in America, where she continues to unjustly kill people for misdemeanors. In the last scene, she stumbles across her father's corpse in a bloody bathtub and they sing "Que Sirrah Sirrah" (no fucking joke). |