Summary: The movie starts off in fine form and quickly acquires mine own self as a fan when a demonic Santa Claus (wrestler Bill Goldberg) barges in on a Christmas eve family dinner and kills James Caan, Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan. This scene is effective in helping me relate to and root on any man that can kill this trio.

But as that little bitch from New Found Glory sings: "it's all downhill from here." Our  main character Nicholas, aged 16, finds out from his crazy old grandpa that Christmas is not what it seems. 999 years and 363.25 days ago Satan's only child was taking a break from murdering when a mortal angel (what?) convinced him to play a game that would allow the winner to control the other's fate mightily. The angel tricks Santa and wins and tells the big guy that he can't kill for 1000 years and must deliver presents instead. Fast forward back to today, where Santa is no longer bound to his contract. Note: this does not explain why he was able to kill James Caan's family a day early.

Side characters are as follows: Nicholas has a cute and tender little suitor in tow named Mary Mackenzie, or Mac for short. And for the record, girls being named Mac is hot. Unfortunately, Nick is unable to seal the deal with her until the very end. There is also a pastor who goes to strip clubs and a cop named Dick Zucker. Need I say more?

This comedy/horror in the vein of "Jack Frost" has a few things going for it. For starters, it takes place during Christmas so it gave me visions of sugar plums dancing in my head when I went to sleep. Secondly, it doesn't take itself too seriously. But, good crappy movies need to be a little serious, otherwise you can't sense the comical desperation seeping from the screen. Also, this movie failed to take advantage of countless holiday kill phrases. And finally I'll go on record to say I'm sick and fucking tired of fake tits, which there are an abundance of in here. Give me a pair of solid, slightly smaller yet perky boobs. Is that too much to ask for?

Oh yeah, the plot. Well Santa is pissed off and kills a lot of people in unique but ridiculous ways. He rampages through the town hunting down Nick, Mac and Grandpa. Unsurprisingly, Grandpa turns out to be the angel that was supposedly mortal but has lived for 1000 years. Santa convinces Grandpa to do a rematch of their frozen bocci ball game and Grandpa stupidly falls for Santa's trick. He loses and Grandpa is sent to hell, although I think he avoids it somehow. The townsfolk kill Santa's big ox and Nick and Mac defeat Santa with a four-leaf clover or silver bullets or a wooden stake or something.

Which of the following is true of "Santa's Slay"?

A. Goldberg, who plays a Christian-holiday hero, is a big fat jew.
B. Goldberg is trying his utmost to be the Rock.
C. This movie glorifies ruining Christmas because the kids kill Santa and don't replace him.
D. all of the above.
Hilarious Quotes:
"Ho, ho, hoes."

"I'm Santa Claus, not Dracula!"


Rating:
2 Keanus for a satire that just didn't quite do it for us. Your head was in the right place and we appreciate the effort, maybe next time.
Reviewed by Merlin