Some may say that Corbin Bernson’s career has gone into the dumpster. To you, we exclaim: “Exactly!” He is in fine-form in this movie, which won him a Dumpy for best actor. He is creepy, sinister, maniacal and menacing, which in crappy movie terms means over-acting. But it sure is awesome.
Corbin, ahem Mr. Bernson, plays Dr. Alan Feinstone. Unsurprisingly, Dr. Feinstone is a dentist. The good doctor has a fine dentite home––white, modern and sterile. He drives a Lexus complete with a car phone, top of the line for 1996. He owns, ahem is married to a beautiful woman named Brooke (Linda Hoffman). He has an exquisite pool and can afford to hire the most handsome pool cleaner in Los Angeles. So why is life so bad for Dr. Feinstone?
For starters, he sees his wife felating the pool cleaner on their anniversary. He takes out his .38 caliber gun and fantasizes about choking his wife with the cleaner’s cock while blowing his head off(HERE). After getting off on his fantasy, he snaps out of it and heads to Brooke’s friend’s house. There he witnesses her friend getting some with the same pool cleaner. Her dog attacks Dr. Feinstone and he shoots it, beginning a tri-county police investigation.
Dr. Feinstone casually strolls into his office and begins drilling some teeth. Disturbed by his slutty wife and haunted by the visions of rotten teeth he was unable to save, he starts drilling indiscriminately. Here is where we get our most uncomfortable moments, watching roots get shredded and molars reduced to memories. Some of the dental scenes are so gross I stopped eating my nachos halfway through the writing of this review (see "HERE" above). Next he tries to molest a beauty pageant hopeful. He then upgrades his rap-sheet from rape to murder by systematically killing his staff and patients. Note: there are many inmates who would come down harder on a sex offender than a murderer, so perhaps he isn't upgrading his rap-sheet.
He returns home for the night and decides to torture his wife by shaving her teeth into useful fangs and cutting out her tongue, which is decidedly less useful. The next morning he slashes the pool cleaner and tosses the evidence into the pool, cursing himself silently for dirtying the pool and killing the cleaner in reverse order. He returns to work and learns he is being investigated by the IRS for failing to pay taxes. An IRS agent offers an easy way out by proposing to exchange dental duties for auditing assistance and all accompanying alliteration. Naturally, Dr. Feinstone kills the agent and undoubtedly secures his financial freedom by burying the IRS in costly and time-consuming worker’s comp paperwork. Apparently Dr. Feinstone also does orthodontal work and removes a young girl’s braces. He is nice to her because she takes care of her teeth.
Meanwhile, the cops are closing in on the dog’s killer. They perform a search and find 200 registered .38 caliber gun owners within 2 miles of the dog’s slaying. Does this seem like an inordinate amount of firearms to anyone else? And that's just one particular caliber. They decide to investigate Mr. Fein, ahem Dr. Feinstone and quickly find the dead pool cleaner and his wife, who is still alive ("Death is too good for her") but much less likely to perform oral sex on dayworkers.
The cops are now on his case, sending out an APB and directing all available units to the dentistry office. Dr. Feinstone had for some reason snapped and decided that he wanted to kill the young girl, who against all odds survives and escapes. Speaking of “who against all odds survives and escapes,” Dr. Feinstone evades the police and sets up a very disappointing sequel. Before “The Dentist 2” can ravage our brains, we see Dr. Feinstone instructing students at a small dental and operatic college on how to ruin patients social lives by giving them nubs for teeth.
Mr. Bernson, you may pick up your Tin Dump Truck at our crappy movies office. |
