| Summary: Excited. Anxious. Maybe a little scared too. That's how I felt when I lost my virginity. It's also how I felt when I watched the cinematic masterpiece known simply as Troll. I don't quite know what to say right now because so many thoughts are running through my mind, a cascading waterfall of thoughts, swirling around, filled with trolls and fairies and princesses and singing mushrooms..... The movie starts off with an average looking family moving into an average-looking apartment complex in Anytown, USA. Little do they know that this innocuous-looking building contains a secret that will turn their whole lives (and mine) upside down. I was able to round up some characters of Troll for a short interview and to let them explain the movie in their own words. Read the exclusive interview below! (Side note: The father and son are both named Harry Potter and may very well be the inspiration behind the very successful books/movies). Maverick: I would like to thank you all for coming to my home and letting our readers know all about your experiences. Harry Potter Sr: Thanks for having us. I love your reviews on this site. Yours are way better than Merlin's and I heard you are a fantastic lover. Maverick: I am, it's true. Please tell our thousands of readers about your experiences. Harry Potter, Sr: My family and I moved into this building and everything seemed fine. The neighbors were a little odd but who isn't, you know? There was a creepy guy played by Sonny Bono, an ex Vietnam vet, an old woman dressed out of the 19th century, Elaine from Seinfeld, and a dwarf professor. They didn't seem very happy to see the kids and I don't really blame them. You see, my daughter Wendy had become a troll and started behaving badly. Wendy Potter: It's true. When we were moving in, my ball fell down the stairs into the laundry room. I was attacked by a troll, who transported me to the magical troll land and took my place in the real world. Harry Potter, Jr: I noticed something was wrong with my sister. She started kicking my ass and pouring out my juice and once she pricked me with her ring and knocked me out. Maverick: You're a wizard, Harry. Harry Potter, Jr: Why does everybody always say that to me? I don't get it. Anyway, I was scared to go to sleep because my parents suck and they make me sleep on a tiny bed in a tiny room that I share with my sister. I decided to become friends with the creepy old lady that lived upstairs because I needed someone to talk to. Maverick: That is fascinating. But why didn't you just go to Ron and Hermione for help with your problems? Harry Potter, Jr: Why does everybody keep saying things like that to me? Maverick: Nevermind. Let me introduce Ms. Eunice St. Clair (the creepy old lady from upstairs) to our loyal readers. Eunice St. Clair: I must say, Maverick, that you are an adorable young man. Yes, I lived above the Potters and I was aware of what was happening. You see, I used to be a princess a long time ago. I knew a young man/troll named Torok who wanted to upset the balance between the land of man and the land of trolls. Well, there was a terrible battle and Torok got his trollish ass kicked, but he vowed to come back. He started to take over the apartment as an entry way into our universe. He started at Sonny Bono's apartment and turned him into a pod and his apartment into a forest. Is Sonny here, by the way? Maverick: No, he actually couldn't make it. He is on vacation. Skiing. Harry Potter, Jr: Yeah, so I talked to Eunice and noticed she had some crazy shit in her apartment like a singing mushroom and magical spears and I knew that she was different than most girls my age. She was special. After she told me she was a princess and that the troll was taking over the apartment building, I was really scared. I mean, the troll turned Elaine from Seinfeld into a nymph and turned the vietnam vet and the dwarf professor into trolls. The building was becoming a giant forest and my sister was a fucking troll! Harry Potter, Sr.: Watch your language, young man. Harry Potter, Jr: Sorry, dad. Anyway, Eunice gave me this awesome spear and told me that Torok would have a giant monster guarding the troll gateway. She also told me that Torok wanted to keep my sister to be his troll wife. That's gross. She's only like 10 years old. Eunice got turned into a tree stump by Torok so it was just me that was left to fight. I ran into the troll netherworld and saw my sister lying in a magical box. I tried to wake her up but the big monster attacked me! Torok stole my spear and I thought it was all over. But the monster tried to eat my little sister so Torok stabbed him in the heart with the spear. The troll world exploded and I was a hero! Maverick: Did you win the Quidditch Cup and eat magical candy and defeat the evil Lord Voldemort? Harry Potter, Jr: Huh? Maverick: Nevermind. I would just like to take this opportunity to thank the characters of Troll who took the time to be here. I am sure that all our readers at home enjoyed your stories. Now get out of my house. |
| 3 Keanus. He loved the troll songs and the silly little troll dolls, but he had to draw the line with the singing mushroom. Not cool. |
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| Reviewed by Maverick |
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