Summary: You know what I'm fucking sick of?  Movies that change titles during the leap from television to rental. This is yet another example of a movie airing under one name, "The Snake King," and coming to the shelves of your local Blockbuster under a new moniker, "Snakeman." Are the producers or distributors of this movie trying to insinuate that the failures of this disastrous film were because of the original title? Or are they merely trying to fool people into renting a movie that they already watched on TV? And no, motherfuckers, this did not happen to us and we're just trying to make excuses. You think I watch the Sci-Fi Channel? Fuck no, I V-chipped that channel so future Merlinettes don't accidentally stumble across it and watch themselves retarded.

This particularly tiresome movie stars Stephen Baldwin as a guide that leads a group of scientists into the Amazon.com jungle to find the secret to long-lasting life. Some grave robber had previously unearthed an old man who had an estimated lifespan of 300 years. Naturally, a pharmaceutical company had a corporation-wide orgasm in their pants and sent some peeps to check it out. So an expedition is sent out but they run into several problems early on. First, they must stake their lives to a Baldwin brother. Second, there is bickering amongst their ranks about how to proceed. Third, there is a giant fucking snake on the loose. Fourth, the snake people don't take kindly to strangers.

A lot of shit hits a lot of fans as a huge 2D snake with several smaller heads starts eating the group members. We see constant deaths in which the heads fight for possession of their prey and tear the body into many pieces that no longer obey the rules of gravity. One member is a lady doctor named Susan Elters, who has for some reason taken to liking Baldwin's Matt Ford character. The snake people kidnap Dr. Elters and take her as the next sacrifice (she's no virgin!) for the giant 2D snake, which is apparently friendly to the snake people. Before they can offer her up, she buys time by convincing a pharmaceutical CEO guy to bring back the remains of the old man they stole. This old man was the current king's father.

Instead of bringing back the corpse, the CEO guy brings along a small legion of yoked mercenaries. Rather than try and be friendly with the snake people, they go in guns blazing and are quickly disposed of by the bulletproof 2D snake. Meanwhile, Matt Ford had been bitten by a deadly venomous snake and required the care of Dr. Elters to bring him back to full-strength, which is accomplished in about 3 hours. Dr. Elters had also gotten the king's young son sick with a common cold and after she cured him with some morphine, the king became a believer of the drug-toting doctor. The king reveals that his people's secrets for long life come from drinking some water-like secretion of the snake. This may be some combination of snake blood, sweat or tears. We aren't told, which makes it all the more credible.

The CEO guy shows up at the end and tries to get some of the snake juice but is killed by the 2D snake. The 2D snake leaves Dr. Elters and Matt alone after they show him the secret snake people handshake. All told this movie sucks. It's frustrating, not funny, has no boobs and Stephen Baldwin acts like he is some big-time movie star. Face it Stephen, this is how you are going to be getting your cocaine money from now on. Note: if people could live 300 years, then we'd run out of prisons once black people became able to serve consecutive life sentences.
1.5 Keanus. There is only so much laughing at Stephen Baldwin possible before you start missing Casper and Dean. And Angel Borris. On the Mav-feel-asleep meter, this one ranks way up there.
Reviewed by Merlin