value your material possessions cause theyre all your gonna get
every time you flog the log, an angel gets castrated
youre an insignificant dust speck
dumb leaders are generally the only leaders there are
make sure to blow chunks, wash your anus, eat your dandruff, and leave the dried up deoderant cakes under your pits every night
the term "safety pin" was used originally as a sarcastic remark
"on one hand, people believe that life is meaningless; that nothing we do in life matters, which sucks. But on the other hand there are those people who believe that everything we do is judged; that it matters...which REALLY sucks!"
why waste time learning when ignorance is instantaneous
pressed for cash, sue
there's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is
The more dumb you are, the more fun you have
having tape worms makes you cool and unique
big, new and inflatable things make kids bounce around stupidly and be hyper
the best way to avoid responsibilities is to say "i've got responsibilities"
Never listen too closely to anyone who is fully clothed
constipation is a state of mind
considering the cost of living, how is it so popular
"if it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching Television by candle light"
Why do signs that say "slow children" have a picture of a running child
All generalizations are wrong
always show your enthusiasm through caps lock
i am comprehending enough to realize my flaws, not to fix them
i can resist everything except temptation
committee: A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary
the direct use of force is a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed by small children and large nations
school is where they put you to learn while you're trying to do other things
reality is only a concept
it is not necessary to understand things to argue about them
everyone wants a charismatic drunk
reality sucks, unless you can escape it
hopelessly smart people can't walk/run correctly
obtain meaning from obscure facts
never delve so deep into a subject that you have competence to comment on it
pickles are satans way of saying he loves us
contrary to popular belief the anus is not a good place to derive relevant data