Thank Heaven for Angry Jewish Women
By Susan L. Minnick
"I ordered the pizza an hour and a half ago. You said it would take an hour."
"I-I'm sorry ma'am, I can't help you. I can transfer you to the manager."
"That would be very nice. Thank you."
A few clicks responded along with a, "Yeah, well tell them it's $10.99!!" Finally, "Hello?"
"Hello. I ordered a pizza an hour and a half ago. They told me it would take an hour. I'd like to know where my pizza is."
"Well ma'am, when did you say you ordered it?"
"An HOUR and a HALF ago."
"Ok, well, it usually takes an hour."
"Yes. I know. I waited an hour."
"What's your address ma'am?"
I gave him the information, punctuated with "Rowan University" and he immediately responded like the rocket scientist he was, "Yes ma'am, well, deliveries to Rowan usually take about an hour."
Queue inward soul scream.
"What dorm did you say it was?"
"Mimosa. I would just like my pizza."
"Well, (I love the attitude) haven't you looked out the window? Our delivery car had an incident with Public Safety about a half hour ago and they wouldn't let him deliver the pizzas."
I wasn't about to explain the architecture of Mimosa, that every window did not face the parking lot, simply because I didn't think the genius who filled out an application, and since he actually graduated high school became the Manager, would comprehend the logistics of it. I wasn't about to tell him that if his pizza boy was intimidated by a bunch of 90 year-olds waving Mag-Lites madly he should really consider hiring new help either. It was almost 8:30. I just wanted my pie.
"So what do you plan to do about my pizza?"
"Well ma'am (YES DRILL SEARGANT!) I can either refund you the money or re-make your order and get it out to you as quickly as possible."
"Well I'd like my pizza."
"So you want me to remake your order?"
No, I want you to hang up the phone and go shove your head in the toilet. "Yes."
"All right, I'll remake it and get it out to you as soon as possible."
"Thank you." I hung up the phone. "They're re-making it and getting it out to us a.s.a.p."
My cowering friends who were hovering in the corner of the room as if I was the atom bomb and they were Hiroshima jumped for joy and came crashing upon me. Cries of happiness ensued (if you've ever been around a bunch of REALLY hungry college students, and you happen to tell them their pizza is finally coming you'd understand the exuberance) and one of my friends shouted, "You are THE Angry Jewish Woman!!"
Angry Jewish Woman, what a title. Actually, I'm quite fond of it. It relates me to many of the finest women in history, dating back to Biblical times. Take the prophetess Deborah for example; her uncanny ability to be an angry Jewish woman saved Israel. Golda Meir, one of the key Angry Jewish Women of the 20th century not only helped to re-establish the State of Israel, but became one of the most influential Prime Ministers in Israel's history. She successfully solicited financial and military aid in unprecedented measure for her country, even going so far as to secure an American air lift during the Yom Kippur war of 1973. These two historical women took their ability to be angry and helped to save Israel from utter defeat.
Angry Jewish Women surround us in society today as well. Judge Judy Sheindlin's sarcastic repartee, containing such famous quotes as: "Do you see my mouth moving madam?" "Madam, on Father's Day, your house is going to need a revolving door for all your kids!" and the unforgettable, "Don't give me a lot of baloney; I know everything!" accentuate her gavel as well as her crochet collar accentuates her robe. So powerful that not even her Shaft-like bailiff will disagree with her, Judge Judy is the epitome of the Angry Jewish Woman, dealing out sarcastic honesty to admitted losers and low-lives.
In animated history, no cartoon has captured the epitome of the Angry Jewish Woman better than South Park. Sheila Broslofski not only got Santa out of town, but she got Terrance and Phillip off of television and was instrumental in starting a war with Canada. The true Angry Jewish Woman, Kyle's mom may seem a "b*tch" to an ignorant few, but to most she's an icon.
Last but not least, I do have to give credit to the ultimate Angry Jewish Woman, my mother. Since I was a kid she's taught me time and time again that speaking up to those a tad meshugenah can truly pay off. Among other things she's managed to scare a guidance counselor into remission, deservedly insult and downplay one of the crudest teachers in my high school, and strike fear into every academic official in my home town. Her latest achievement has been a triumph with the Residence Life office; I was on the shortest waiting list for a private room in history. All of that, combined with the ultimate triumph of scaring away Jehovah's Witnesses from my grandparents' house (she was actually following them down the driveway, asking them if they'd like to know more about Judaism; the last we saw of them they were literally running to their car parked down the block) has given my mother the title of 'Angry Jewish Woman of the Century'.
I'm sure all of you can pinpoint at least one Angry Jewish Woman in your lives. If you do have the good fortune of being Jewish, you can probably pinpoint about ten. Many would think that the title of 'Angry Jewish Woman' would somehow be derogatory towards Judaism; however I feel, after close study and personal experience, that it is our honor, our G-d given right as Jews to stand up for ourselves and be angry once in a while. My father explained it best by putting it this way: "There are two kinds of people in life. Those who sit back and act nice and play ball, and those who fight and have to get a little uptight to get people to react. Your mother is the second, and it's good to have those kinds of people around."