Holy Evil: In the closing days of February and Opening Days of March, Sheepinator made his retirement official after contributing a priceless amount to the history of the UCE, not to mention his work in C-Slam's iEPW and CEW and Wrassle’s SHOW and CWA With his retirement, came a moving flash video.
Nakedman: Which we would totally link to if we could remember where the link was.
Holy Evil: Unforgettable to any UCE fan is the Black Sheep Baaar and Grill, a prime plot location through the reigns of Spinner, Kiebler, Desperado, Callisto and Head. Also unforgettable is his valet Peep, who was a total whore.
Nakedman: Sheep for Hall of Fame!
Holy Evil: In the meanwhile, the commish himself pulled a little disappearing act. And Head was temporarily replaced with interim commish Max Payne. The Wrassle CEO himself Maverick was also replaced with a mysterious man known as “Dread.” But then Maverick just came back later, so forget I even mentioned it.
Nakedman: ALSO… The Mysterious Evil Mailer finally revealed itself as none other than THE EVIL EMPIRE!!! Instantaneously the AoDers disappeared and were replaced with Dr. Claw, Shredder, Cobra Commander, Megatron, King Koopa, Mumm Ra, and Skeletor!
Holy Evil: The famous stable which had terrorized Desperado in the DRW was back and ready to be the new force of evil for the UCE!
Nakedman: Other new UCE acquisitions included Necropus, Johnny XS, Law Martin, Nick Bronze and Captain Smack. On the other hand, it lost guys like Voices, Stan Daniels, How Sow, Chabbu, Manowar and Afro Jackson.
Holy Evil: To pull the fed together after a number of titles were vacated, The UCE threw 3 simultaneous tournaments in March! In Head’s absence, the Universal Carnage, Tag Team and Nemesis Titles were all on the line in big events! 8 men facing off for a chance to fight #1 Contender Violent Jack for the UC title at the FPV were Switch Back, King Koopa, Mikey Ripper, Wingnut, Vice, JMan, Dr. Claw and Johnny XS.
Nakedman: In much less exciting news The Head, newly returned, added DEATH JR. to the roster at midmonth, proving that his absence must have been caused by a brain illness that he was still suffering from.
Holy Evil: Yes, because Death Jr. sucks.
Nakedman: Right.
Holy Evil: As well, by this time a number of SUPER HEROES had shown up to fight the Evil Empire. Ginger hired a few people to do Mario and Luigi impressions to thwart the Koopa Troopas. Highland Terror hired far less impressive Mario and He-Man impersonators too. Captain Smack turned into Inspector Smack, with oddly similar gadget mastery to Dr. Claw’s nemesis, Inspector Gadget. Mikey Ripper was mysteriously replaced with Michelangelo the Ninja turtle, and Optimus Prime showed up to battle with Megatron. Law Martin had an appearance as the wholly unimpressive Bartman. Mega Man showed up, perhaps thinking Cut Man, from the original Evil Empire, was causing trouble. As for Hanna-Barbera's animated heroes: Spaceghost had a brief showing, and Austin Hardy mysteriously disappeared at the same time that the heroic Captain Planet showed up -THE POWER IS YOURS! Together this group of good guys formed the Anti-Evil Empire League.
Nakedman: Things came to ahead at a midmonth Mindwarp, where Gentleman turned himself into Babyshaker and fought along with Emp against the crowned Tag Champs, Psychotic Goodness. Not surprisingly, somewhere before the match Mortality kissed Vice, which led to anger and dumb love triangle stories with Priestess and Ginger where they all talked about their sexuality, blah blah blah. The lesbians won and went to the T3SOB. Eventually, there was a Caged Gauntlet Match between Mortality and Vice at the “Rising Tides” Pay Per View, blah blah blah. Mortality won. Blah blah blah.
Holy Evil: Wow, can’t make enough smarmy comments about the lesbians, can you?
Nakedman: I’m a misogynist!
Holy Evil: I think to prove that lesbians are actually complicated, deep, meaningful characters that should be appreciated, we should look at some excerpts from the Atlantis interview with Psychotic Goodness in March.
Atlantis: What will happen if it comes down to Ginger VS. Mortality with the winner becoming the USOB, could we see an every woman for her self fight?Nakedman: Wow, at last you have proven to me that lesbians are more complicated than constantly giggling and smiling and winking at each other! Finially I realize they are realistic female characters!Ginger: No I'd step out. Mort and I have fought enough.
Mortality: No, I'd handcuff her in the ring and I'd step out. She's too feisty for me to handle. Down right mean at times this one is *winks*.
…
Ginger: *Smiles* You know I love ya.
Mortality: Yeah...sure ya do *Winks*.
…
Mortality: …Cabal can kiss my, well, you know what. I have no desire to be in any stable.
Ginger: Does that off of kissing extend to me?
Mortality: *Grins* You know you can kiss me anytime baby *winks*.
…
Ginger: Mort needs a man, and I like girls. Right Mort? *giggling*.
…
Mortality: *Hugs Gin* Ahhhh, you know I love ya *Winks*.
…
Mortality: Well, I have yet to face off against Vice, but, if you have read the PPV coming up you will know that we will be facing each other in a match that will be brutal to say the least. I have respect for Vice in the ring, but so far, we'll see about out of the ring. Although she is a very good kisser *grins*.
Ginger: Good idea remind her of why she wanted to kill you.
Mortality: Yeah, I do my best.
Ginger: Maybe I'll see "your best" *smiles*.
Mortality: I thought you usually did *winks*.
Holy Evil: But moving on…
Nakedman: YEAH!… Hey Holy, the laugh out loud moment of the month had to be when King Koopa decided to commit suicide rather than face Death Jr. in a match!
Holy Evil: Hehehe. That was good. And pretty much the beginning of the end for the Evil Empire.
Nakedman: Oh, and also when Jailbait came back and Mr. Spite showed up and wooed her with shiny objects.
Holy Evil: No, that was dumb and shouldn’t have been mentioned. Jailbait was stupid.
Nakedman: Ermm… okay… moving on again…
Holy Evil: ...At the “Rising Tides” PPV, Violent Jack totally got messed up by Johnny XS who took the UC Title and left Jack in a comatose state.
Nakedman: And Mikey Ripper teamed up with Wingnut in a Tag Team Wedding Cake Match against T-Ex for a last stand of NUTRIPPERZ before Mikey left the fed. He'd be back though.
Holy Evil: On the last day of March, the UCE presented its Universal Carnage Enterprises Hall Of Fame website for the first time! The site can totally be seen at http://uce.wrassle.net . You should look at the site, because I am in the Hall of Fame.
Nakedman: And why talk about the Hall of Fame if you can’t talk about the March ATLANTIS AWARDS, huh? Here’s a rundown of what was voted the best of the best in March of 2K3…
Best Newcomer: Nick BronzeNakedman: And in my completely un-biased opinion, I declare the Evil Empire members as the UCE STARS OF MARCH 2003!
Best Feud/Angle: The Evil Empire
Best Heel: Vice
Best Face: Necropus
Best Comedic Act: Babyshaker
Best Roleplayer: Highland Terror
Best Match: Psychotic Goodness v. Fed Killers
Best Tag Team: Psychotic Goodness
Best Wrassler: Mortality
Holy Evil: I un-biasedly agree with you.
Nakedman: Shall we do April now?
Holy Evil: Sure, what the hell?
They start doing a girl named April. But then they actually move on to doing a summary of the month of April.