Hi,

   This is about how dangerous boredom is. Take care, my tiny salty

snack lovers

LFG

the goblin who just can't say no

BOREDOM AND BUTTRESSES

Hoggle banged on the door impatiently

"Jareth! Come out and clean up this mess RIGHT NOW!"

"No!" came the sulky reply "I'm staying here where they can't get

me…"

Boredom is a dangerous thing-it's what makes us watch daytime T.V

and lulls us into a state of apathy while `Jerry Springer' washes

over us, like an evil tide of party nibbles, until you can't breathe

because there are so many metaphorical salty snacks lodged up your

nostrils and as you slowly fade, the only thing you can hear

is `Springer's final thought'.

What a horrible way to go.

Boredom is what caused Jareth, one fateful Monday, to devise a new

plan.

Jareth was writing in his diary.

Monday:

I'm bored of people wishing away their siblings. I feel like an

elaborate babysitting service-I mean I get stuck with the kid and

they get a nice wander in a magical kingdom.

I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional but I'm sure my bottom is

less pert than last Monday, and I think I've been overdoing the Mars

Bars.

I need the company of more adult people…

"That's it!" shouted Jareth "adult!"

Inglesot is a toaster-and boy, is this one depressed toaster. She

has issues of the severest nature. Granny Hepplewhite owns her. She

overuses poor Inglesot because Granny Hepplewhite likes to toast the

assortment of Granny cakes she brings home every day. The old lady

bread/cake product that Granny most prefers is the Eccles cake

because of its crossover cake/bread status. Inglesot especially

hates toasting this because-

a) They have an awkward shape which gets stuck a lot and

b) They have currents in, which always burn and go hard before

the bread is done toasting.

"Boo hooo!" exclaims Inglesot

"What's the matter this time, Inglesot?" asked Mendi the kettle.

"She used me about seventeen times yesterday. I can't take it!"

Inglesots face blackened

"If I have to toast one more old lady bread product I'm going to

explode!"

The kitchen door creaked. All the appliances held their breath as

Inglesots face scowled into a blacker _expression-

"I wish the goblins would come and take you away-right now!" snarled

Inglesot.

"Alrighty then!" grinned Jareth from the corner

Granny Stared. Inglesot gasped.

"You can't take me anywhere young man," rasped Granny Hepplewhite

Jareth smirked

"And why not?"

"I haven't got my walking stick. I'll just go and get it-and do I

need an overcoat?"

Jareth didn't look so smug anymore.

"Um…yes."

"You're taking old people now?"

"Yeah. At least I won't have to spent so much on nappies"

"I wouldn't be so sure" sniggered Inglesot "how much do you know

about the elderly?"

"I know about colostomy bags, you monger of scares" smirked Jareth.

"My issues cause me to be evil" shrugged Inglesot.

Meawhile, in a faraway spy movie…

"Oh James" breathed the glamorous blonde "what's the matter?"

"Oh, Goodnight" sighed James "I'm fed up of being an international

stud muffin. I'm getting old Goodnight"

"James, don't say that!" pleaded Goodnight

"No, no-I want to tell you these things. I want to eat Bran cereals

and wear slippers and cardigans. I don't want to spend my time

slathering myself in fake tan and I want to change my name"

Goodnight's blue eyes looked horrified

"To what? Your name is the most illustrious in spy history. What

would you change it to?"

"Flying buttresses" nodded James

"No!" sobbed Goodnight "It would never work-for a start it's plural

and you're only one person-and it's a term used in structural

engineering. Why, James-"

"Buttresses" corrected James

Goodnights jaw tightened in fury

"Why would you want to be named after a term in structural

engineering? I don't understand!"

Buttresses kissed her

"That is why we can never be together." He choked softly. "Good day

to you, Goodnight. I am off to buy engineering overalls and to

change my name by deed poll"

"James, James!!" cried out Goodnight. He didn't turn around.

END OF PART ONE.