::tunnel-tunnel-tunnel::

::Rebecca pops up briefly from her hole in the ground, waving a dirty hand.

  Never you mind where that hand has been::

Little old me thought I'd sneak in under the fence for a moment - I don't

have much time anymore to get online and keep up with you all, but I did see

Mairead's message about the main lists (HI MAIREAD!!! and a big HI!!! to the

rest of you, the ones I know and the ones I haven't yet met. And Leelee, I

haven't forgotten about the UGLy Eeyore pin instructions. But I still don't

have access to a scanner).

As for fanfic on the Labyfic list, well, there are a few stories

occasionally posted there - some GOOD ones too. But traffic on the list

right now is the slowest I've seen in all my years (I have my ideas why, but

I won't post them here). ANYWAY, to prime their fanfic pump I issued a

challenge last week. So far no takers - but I just sweetened the deal by

offering a member of my own private pouchling herd (or something less

risque') to the first three authors who post a completed story for the

Challenge. If you folk are interested in their Challenge, the rules are

pretty simple:

Take an ordinary realworld event or a newspaper headline and make it into a

Labyrinth tale, short or long. Use characters and creature types from the

movie, try not to put yourself in it if you can.

%%~ %%%~ %%%~ %%~

Maed commented to me that the headlines of late have been pretty grim (oy,

yes). But there's other good stuff in the back pages of the paper, and

there are also online websites that deal in goofy news - my favorite right

now is the 'Social Darwins' subpage on the Darwin Awards site. Sometimes

the name of a website is all one needs to get the wheels turning. The best

one I've seen recently is--nope. Not sharing THAT one just yet. Though

that one might make for a good RR on this list.... ;)

I'm sending along the first chapter to my Challenge entry. I can continue

to post more here as I finish chapters, but those chapters may be some time

in coming.

well, back to the RealWorld, as the kids are demanding something to eat.

Enjoy the story.

-Rebecca %%~ in the Great Northwest, the goblin who hardly ever gets to be

one anymore :(

::tunnel-tunnel-tunnel::

************************

************************

This little story took root after I was forced into a major defleaing

campaign at my house. Considering the epic nature of the battle, I couldn't

help but wonder if the Underground was ever laid siege by the little

monsters -- the fleas I dealt with were truly from the lower regions of

Hell -- large, muscular, and agile -- Goblin Fleas, I tell you. Let this

be a warning to you all: if a pet of yours ever ends up wearing a cast for

whatever reason, put the beastie on those flea control drops! I found out,

much to my woe, that casts make an excellent breeding ground for fleas, a

place impervious to the effects of a flea collar.

Um, I did sort of change 'voice' in the story once it gets going, because I

wasn't sure I could sit through a whole story written in what I think of as

Hoggle's voice. Think of Hoggle in the story as setting the stage for a

tale that then unfolds on its own.

Enjoy!

************************************

Hoggle the Hunter

(standard disclaimers apply, you all know THAT drill!)

***

"Ya knows, Grandpap used to say that every dog needs a flea," Hoggle puffed

into his pipe, "just to remind him that he's a dog."

"Papa, that can't possibly be a flea?" the dwarfling boy gulped, staring at

his father's pipesmoke wreathing the head of a monster Hoggle had just

fetched down from the attic. Hoggle handed his pipe to his son and wrestled

the head into place above the fireplace mantel. If it truly was a flea's

head, then the whole flea should have been able to suck dry a grown elk. The

boy found himself staring at the fangs.

"So ya don't think this trophy could be a flea's head, Todd?" Hoggle

chuckled, reaching for his pipe as he stepped back to admire his kill.

"Boy, a flea it is -- and, there's a tale: Magic sometimes goes a wee bit

awry, and sometimes it's us small folk that has to put things to rights

rather than His Majesty. It all happened a very long time ago, ages before

yer mum came to the Underground. So sit in me lap, youngling, and I'll

tells ya how I came by that head."

Hoggle shooed his offspring outside to the porch and got them settled into

his rocking chair. He took another puff on his pipe, ruffled Todd's hair,

and began. "Well, boy, it was a perticularly frightful night, laced with

lightning and lots of rain, when the goblins brought back of all things a

wished-away dog. Not just any dog either."

"Whose dog, papa?"

"We'll git to that. Anyway's, the goblins brung back this dog, and because

of this dog a lot of rules as to what gets wished away changed. But I'd

better start with his Lordship and how it all went wrong. So hush now and

listen to your da."

*******************************

BOOOOOM!!!!!!!!

Jareth jumped in spite of himself, clapping his hands to his ears. He

sighed as another round of thunder crashed around the Castle, causing all in

the tableau in front of him to jump in fright. Jareth could control some

forms of weather, but not the storms that came boiling up from the South.

Unfortunately, that was Power beyond the control of his weather-mage skills.

A group of goblins bearing a struggling something tumbled in out of the

Ether and into the pit of the Throne Room. "Let this Cup pass from me…"

Jareth muttered under his breath as he stared hard at their burden. Gods,

not another one. Jareth scowled at the freshly-apparated sheepdog piddling

on the feet of his minions as they stood before his Throne. Yes, he was

simply going to have to appeal to the Higher Councils as to just what could

be wished away into the Goblin King's care. It was bad enough goblinizing

the unwanted, often unruly children delivered into his hands by the illwill

of selfish humans. But really, did his job description truly extend to

livestock and household pets?

Jareth eyed the sheepdog again, calculating what his chances were of Magic

getting some useful transformation out of the drooling creature. The

goblins poured out their story as to how they came by the pitiful thing.

From what the goblins told him, the dog's owner wanted absolutely nothing in

exchange for the beast, not even a handful of magic beans. What struck even

the goblins as odd was how the owner's entire family stood and cheered as

the dog vanished into glitter. That worried Jareth a little. Wishing

someone away to the Goblin King was usually a solitary, private act - a

standing ovation from a cheering throng was unheard of. Another flash of

light, another crump of thunder, and this time the dog in front of him left

a steaming stinking mess on the floor of the pit. The goblins rushed to

clean it up before Jareth could open his lips to howl them into action. He

sagged back into his throne, wishing for the umpteenth time that he wasn't

Here, and that there was some foolproof way to predict with animals just

what the results were going to be, once the 13th hour had struck along with

Jareth's hand on the beasts' backsides. Cats blessedly remained cats but

scratched dreadfully when struck. Dogs took on a number of doltish forms -

this creature before him barked suddenly at a goblin in the shadows, causing

Jareth to yet again attempt to save his ears from the onslaught of sound

bouncing off the stone walls.

Jareth dropped his hands and glanced at the clock, thinking he should speed

Time up a bit and get the inevitable over with. The dog breaking away from

one of the goblins to tear down a tapestry made his mind up for him - no one

in their right mind was going to run the Labyrinth for THIS thing. The

King pointed an elegant finger at the clock and twirled the hands around and

around, watching the last few minutes tick by as he considered some of the

creatures he'd goblinized over the years. He now had goblin pigs, goblin

birds, goblin rats - ugh! And for love of the Moon he even had goblin

*goldfish*. Sometimes things worked out rather well. Humongous had been

an old bull, and the Magic had transformed him into an excellent gatekeeper.

But then there was that flock of poultry, wished away by a beleaguered farm

boy. Jareth winced at that memory. It took forever to slap the birds

properly, though he slowed Time down as much as he could in order to whap

them all before the final chime of the clock ebbed away. His hand was sore

for days, and while the turkeys in the flock transformed into excellent

mounts for his Goblin Cavalry, several of the chickens turned into the

forebears of the Nipper Sticks. Now that was a ticklish, painful bit of

business, collecting the Nippers and putting them to work. It was just

plain better for everyone, Jareth mused, if chickens could definitely remain

chickens when the Magic moved over them. They stayed tastier for one thing,

and didn't take so long to cook.

His reverie was interrupted by the blessed tolling of the thirteenth hour

coupled with another burst of thunder. "Bring that mutt over here

immediately!" Jareth snapped. The King grabbed the terrifed dog by the

collar and hauled it away from its team of goblins, bending over to smack

the dog properly on its nearly tailless behind. He had half a mind to beat

it into the floor - Time may have flown by, but the dog still managed to

inflict more damage in the Throne room. The thing had gnawed on several

pieces of furniture and had added a few more ruined tapestries to its

credit. Not to mention that it was painfully obvious the benighted creature

wasn't in the least housebroken - in spite of spinning Time forward, it had

still been a very looooong 13 hours….. the final bell tolled away and

Jareth's hand fell hard. With the dog's sharp yelp and a howl, the blue

flame of Magic flowed from Jareth's fingers to sear over the dog, bursting

bits of fur in every direction - including up Jareth's nose. He sneezed

repeatedly before he could break free of the dog, little burps of green

light jumping from his fingers to mix with the ball of Magic light that

enveloped the creature.

"Damn it all!" Jareth released the dog and wiped frantically at his

streaming nose, soiling the cuff of his blouse. Now what - while sneezing

the King had felt some bits of something Unusual and completely unintended

pass from him into the blue ball of light. He stared anxiously at the

transformation in progress. The blue and green lights flared up one last

time, then dissipated into little smokelike wisps. Jareth breathed a sigh

of relief tempered with a touch of disappointment. The revealed creature was -

A dog. Unchanged from its original form, as far as Jareth could tell.

The bewildered mutt stepped forward with a little click of its feet.

Frowning, Jareth bent to pick up a forepaw for examination. Horseshoes on a

dog? Well, that was different, now, wasn't it? He ran a gloved finger over

the tiny little pegs sealing the dogshoe onto the now hornlike footpads,

realizing as something wet ran down into his boot that the dog was still

unchanged in its toileting habits. With a roar the dog instantly found

itself flung onto the shores of the Bog of Eternal Stench.

Not wanting to waste Magic on something as simple as changing his clothes,

Jareth stomped off into his quarters to clean up, absently scratching his

thigh as dog urine sloshed around in one of his lovely leather boots. He

blessed the Moon that nothing worse had happened with this Transformation -

the canine could have become some sort of possessed firehose. As it was,

the dog, thank all the gods that ever where, was still basically unchanged.

The dog perhaps. Jareth never thought about the fleas.

***************

(chapter two posted as inspiration strikes!)