Chapter 3

Meanwhile on the other side of the city in a dingy disused office, sat three men.  Pouring over the newspapers and obituary columns.
"Well what about this one?" asked the first man.  He was of slight build and resented the fact that his parents had been cruel enough to give him the name Nigel and ginger hair.  Never having gotten around to dying it, he was also annoyed at being stuck with it for all eternity.
His companions looked up and to the obituary Nigel was pointing at.
"You are kidding right?" said Marc, his Italian looks always getting the girls,but not so much lately much to his chagrin.
"Dave Meister?, Dave bloody Meister?!" said the third and most imposing looking of the three.  With his bald head shining in the glare of the bare bulb hanging from the centre of the room.  With a name like Sharky, most people gave him a wide berth, but his BO problem probably had something to do with it too.
"He's a tin pot disco" Said Sharky angrily.
"Well I can't find anyone then! pouted Nigel, pushing aside the paper.
"Who on this earth will give a concert to a bunch of dead people?" he muttered snidely.
Resting his fat pudgy hands heavily on Nigels shoulders, Sharky massaged slightly harder than absolutely neccessary, saying,
"Nigel, Nigel, Nigel" he sighed quietly, "We are not just a bunch of dead people, we are the elite of this miserable little planet! We are kings I tell you!"
"Ah yeah, except perhaps the Georges or Edwards" interrupted Marc
"Yes ok!" snapped Sharky
"And Henries"
"YES!"
"Quite a few of them....royalty" finished Marc lamely.
The glare Sharky gave Marc made Nigel thankful he had his back to Sharky, or was that a good thing?  One of Nigel and Marcs unwritten rules was to never have your back to Sharky.
"AS I was saying" continued Sharky menacingly, "We need a supergroup, someone to perform for the dead masses"
"How about we ask Marc Bolan again?"  offered Marc.
"I've already done that, he's off loving all things green and he says he's shunning the popstar lifestyle now, he's taken to playing the harmonica!"
"John then?"
"Nope...Yoko would want royalties"
Janis?"
"Nope"
"Elvis! surely Elvis will do it?" cried a jubliant Nigel, sure that he had hit on the right  idea.
"Mmmmm, maybe we could try again...but it's difficult, his hook of doughnuts is obsolete now he can't eat them, we need another hook" mused Sharky.
releasing his grip on Nigels shoulders, Sharky sat back down at his desk, flipping through the papers.
A silence fell over the room, a rat making its rounds into the room for lunch, stopped suddenly as it sensed a presence in the room.  Thinking in its rat way, its hunger overrode the funny feeling, so it continued scurrying for food.  Unfortunately for Nigel it chose his chair to jump up on to, therefore with a rat, literally in his lap, Nigel screamed and jumped up.  The paper in his hand fell to the floor.
"NIGEL!!" exclaimed the other two, both clasping the area where their hearts would be if they had any.
"Sorry, but a rat..." before Nigel could continue, Marc noticed a headline in Nigels fallen paper.
"My God!"he muttered, picking up the paper.
"What is it now?" snapped Sharky irritably, any more interuptions in his musings on how to tempt Elvis back to the stage and he'd get really pissed.
"Look!" exclaimed Marc, as he placed the paper on the table, all three read the banner headline
'DURAN STARS IN HORROR CRASH'
After a few minutes reading the story Sharky looked up smugly.
"There, my friends, is our next billing"
Grabbing a pen Sharky began to furiously write out a list of things to do for each of them.  Fortunately for Nigel, Sharky did not hear him mutter,
"Lets hope no one throws any limbs like last time"
Snickering Marc and Nigel tried to forget that incident and concentrated on the shiny dome of Sharkys head.


"So go on, do that food trick again" said Carly of Simon.
"No" pouted Simon.
"Ahh, he's embarrassed" laughed John.
"So would you if food just exited from a place it has no business exiting from!"
"Serve you right for showing off" replied Nick.
"I was NOT showing off!" ranted Simon.
"Were" muttered Nick.
"I was just showing the girls how to eat"
"Yeah right!" the others all laughed.

It was getting late, although they were dead, they all still seemed to operate as they would if alive.
"I might go for a sleep" yawned Warren.
"Hmmm, me too" added John.
Nervously the girls glanced at each other, urging one another to ask the question they wanted to ask  but daren't.  Ali raised her eyebrows at Sherry, silently urging her to say something, Sherry bugged her eyes back in a silent 'no way'  Carly as usual, missed everything and was entertaining a tabby cat with a piece of string.
Bemused Simon asked,
"Are you girls ok there?"
The focus on them they coughed and blushed in unison. From the floor Carly finally spoke up,
"Can we stay here please? our flatmates aren't  too impressed with ghosts cluttering up the place and it's really annoying sleeping in the park, the tramps sit on you and they are really whiffy"
"Girls!" exclaimed Simon, surely his luck was changing he thought to himself.
"Girls! of course you can stay!"
"Wha...?" started Warren.
"Oh come on Warren, where's your compassion?" Simon asked.
"Um...it died in the plane?"  hazarded Warren.
Nick had been watching the exchange quietly, he too had hoped to stay, his Maddy scaring days were not here yet.
With everyones eyes on him, some Bambi style, some puppy dog style, Warren relented,
"Oh, OK!, you can stay" he said, "Now stop looking at me like that!"
"Right" said Simon, clapping his hands together, "You girls will have to share a room, Nick and John another and Warren, I'll have..."
"No you bloody won't!" interrupted Warren, "You" he said pointing to Simon, "Can have the couch"
"Oh" said Simon momentarily flummoxed, but bouncing back he added with a raised eyebrow in the girls direction,
"OR, how about I share with you girls?"
Before anyone could yell, laugh or scream, Warren stepped in and offered to show the girls the way to the room they'd share.  Everyone trouped upstairs to their allocated rooms.  As Warren left, all the cats pricked up their ears and jumped to follow him upstairs.
Leaving Simon stood in the lounge, mid clap saying,
"Oh" to himself dejectedly, even the cats didn't trust staying with him"



In a graveyard, not too far away, four figures were sat round the newest grave.
"So why can't I be a ghost?" whined the youngest and newest of the four.
Sighing heavily, one replied,
"Because I've told you a million times Ben that you can't be a ghost cause you're a zombie"
"Mmm..yes, zombie" agreed the other two.
"But Derek, zombies don't have as much fun as ghosts, I want to be a ghost" whined Ben.
"Look, there are so many ghosts now we have to fill the zombie quota" Said Derek while adjusting his pinstripe suit, unfortunately he adjusted a bit too sharply and his hand fell off.
"Oohh, I hate it when that happens" sympathised one of the female zombies.
"Shut up Janice!" snapped Derek, as he picked up the fallen apendage and wedged it back on.
"I'm bored" whined the youngest female.
"Shh Angie, that's enough" said Janice motherly.
"Well I am, nothing happens, the highlight is when someones limbs fall off or a live person sees us!" exclaimed Angie.
"There was that disco last month" said Ben.
"Oh, purlease!" snorted Angie.
"What?"
"It was crap!"
"I thought it was ok"
"Yeah, only cause you snogged that girl"
"No it wasn't, just that"
!"yeah right" scoffed Angie.
""All her teeth fell out actually, it was quite disturbing" said Ben shuddering at the memory of acquiring a lot more teeth that weren't his.
Just then another figure shuffled over to them.
"Hello Harry" They all chorused as an elderly  man sat down with them.
"'Ows up?" greeted Harry.
"Bored" said Angie before anyone else could say anything.
"Ahh, when I was your age" started Harry, everyone groaned.
"We had to make our own entertainment, none of these new fangles tee-vees" continued Harry.
"That's cause when you were our age you were alive!" exclaimed Angie.
"Ahh, yes, I remember those days" replied Harry wistfully.
Everyone groaned again and stared at Angie accusingly.
"Why did you bring that up for?" hissed Derek. "He'll be off for hours now"
"Sorry" whispered Angie back.
Unconcerned about his companions grumbles Harry continued.
"Ahh, yes, I remember when I was in that young singers video"
"What?" exclaimed Ben.
"What video?" asked Janice.
"Ahh, yes, you know the one with all the zombies in, um.....Chiller?" Harry scratched his head, "No, no, Thriller, that was it, yes"
"You were nevr in that!" snorted Angie.
"Was...I was the one whose arm fell off, they filmed that bit" said Harry proudly.
"You were not in Thriller! They were just dressed up dancers!"
"Ahhh, that's what everyone THINKS, some were but most of us were real."
"Rubbish!" exclaimed Angie, "Next you'll be telling us that the werewolf was real!"
Harry didn't answer, just raised his eyebrows as best as his crumbling features would let him.
Getting bored of the way the conversation was going, Angie and Ben carefully picked themselves up and started to wander off, but something Harry said caught their attention.
"What concert?" asked Ben?
"Ahh, now, do you really want to know?"  asked Harry mischeviously.
"Oh Harry! just tell us" shouted Angie, "Before I pull your legs off!"
So with a rapt audience, Harry proceeded to tell them about the proposed concert that he'd heard the promoter Sharky talking about.



Simon sighed heavily, sat on his own on the couch that had been his bed for the night, he was listening in vain to hear if anyone was going to get up yet.  He was excrutiatingly bored, this being dead lark was really boring, maybe he mused, he'd try to convince Nick that they could go and haunt Maddy or something.
The door creaked open slowly, mildly startled Simon looked up quickly, but it was only yet another cat.  Maybe Warren was on the move then thought Simon.  With no prompting the cat leapt up on to the arm of the couch and looked intently at Simon.  He stared back, but the cat didn't flinch.  Breaking the stare, feeling slightly unnerved, Simon was alarmed to hear the cat say.
"HA!! Gotcha!"
"What the?" said Simon.
"Oh christ" said the cat, "You are such a drama queen Simon" Momentarily rendering Simon speachless, the cat continued, "Yeah yeah, act all surprised that you can hear me, didn't you read the contract you signed to be a ghost?"
"Um...no" squeaked Simon.
"Well if you had bothered to read it, you would've seen the bit about communicating with cats"
"Not dogs?" asked Simon, he liked dogs, cats was more Nicks thing, although Warren seemed to be overtaking in the cat stakes lately.
"Ugh!" spat the cat, "How dare you mention the D word to me!" with a flick of its tail, it turned its back on Simon and stuck its nose in the air.
"This is truely bizarre" said Simon. "Any reason why we can talk to cats?"
The cat refused to answer.
"Hello?" called Simon.
Still the cat didn't answer.
"What now? Cat got your tongue?" he asked laughing at his own pun.
"You're not funny" said the cat haughtliy.
still laughing Simon replied,
"Yes I am, you know I am, go on admit it!"
"No!" replied the cat tartly.
His laughter dying down Simon asked,
"So are you going to answer my question or not?"
"Which one?"
"Good grief!, I thought cats were meant to be clever" sighed Simon.
"Hey watch it ghost boy" hissed the cat as it flexed its claws towards Simons shirt.
"I'm a ghost, won't work" said Simon smugly at the cats threat. Laughing the cat replied by placing its claws into Simons arm.
"OW!" yelped Simon as he pulled his arm away.  Laughing even harder the cat just repleid,
"See!"
"Ok, point taken" Simon pouted, "So why the need for talking cats anyway?" he wasn't too sure if he liked cats at all anymore.
"Not sure myself really" said the cat, "I think it's to make sure you don't go too wild or get into trouble, sort of like guardian angels I suppose"
"Riiiiight" said Simon, still none the wiser.
"But, do one stupid thing and we leave you too it" finished the cat.
"Oh so no loyalty then"  Simon really did prefer dogs now.
Just then John and Nick walked into the room, Nick opening the door, John just walking through it.
"Hehe, I love doing that!" giggled John.
"Hey guys" said Simon, "Listen to this" he poked the cat, "Go on then"
The cat just stared, a slight smirk playing round its whiskers.
"Listen to what?" asked Nick irritably.  He'd had a bad night, he really didn't like the idea of being dead and the limitations being a ghost posed.  So Simons silly games first thing in the morning were not what he wanted to hear.  Plus it was much too early for him to be up, but John had insisted and his comment from many moons ago to be up 'whenevah' was never forgotten, especially by John.
"Go on!" urged Simon, poking the cat some more.
"Si, just what are you trying to get that poor cat to do?" asked John.
Poking the cat some more and glaring at it Simon replied,
"No, wait, hang on"
Still the cat smirked at him. Just as he was about to give up, the cat couldn't contain its laughter any longer and a loud guffaw erupted from it.
"SEE!!" cried a jubliant Simon.
"Did that cat just laugh?" asked Nick.
"Nah, just coughing up a fur ball I expect" said John
Mortified the cat replied,
"I was not coughing up a furball, us cats are quite particular where and when we do that, we don't just do it front of anyone, how tacky"
"See!" exclaimed Simon again, "Talking cat!"
"Oh come on, this is really getting too much now, I'm a ghost, we have a talking cat, can things get any stranger?" said Nick scathingly.  He was really getting pissed at everything.
"Cool" said John, "Talking cat" as he reached over to scratch it behind the ears.
"Ooohh, thanks" purred the cat.
As John was tickling the cat, the cat was purring, Nick was scowling at everyone and Simon was thankful that he wasn't going mad, Warren walked in, followed by at least 10 cats.
"You will not believe this!" exclaimed Warren.
The other three looked up and said in unison,
"Talking cats!"
"Yeah, how'd you know?" said Warren slightly disappointed that his big surpirse had been ruined.  Pointing proudly at the cat Simon felt was his, he said,
"Talking cat!"
"Ahh, but do you know why?" asked Warren, determined to gain something from the new found situation.  John and Nick shrugged, Simon smugly stated,
"A guardian angel type thing, to keep us on the straight and narrow"
This really wasn't going how he had planned.  Warren had hoped for some credit for discovering something, but a usual Simon got all the glory.  Just like he got all the notice, all the press, all the fans and now the cat thing.  Scowling Warren just replied,
"Yeah, whatever"
"Now, now boys" said an elderly white cat, the others nodded sagely.
"No need to squabble" it continued, "We can talk to you because WE choose to and I for one want to warn you of some unscrupulous people out there., unscrupulous dead people" finished the white cat.
"What do you mean?" asked Simon.
A tabby took up the question, "There are some people out there that have, shall we say, sold themselves to evil entities."
"The devil?" asked John.
"Yes yes, the devil if you wish, but they will come to you, especially you four as you had a famous lifestyle, they will offer you the world as they think they own it, but although your fame will be great in the dead world, it will be short lived as the evil entities come and claim what is owed"
"Yeah right!" said Nick unbelievingly, "We're dead, this IS Hell, how can it get any worse?"
"Please, Mr Rhodes, you must believe me" pleaded the cat, "Your mortal soul will be in grave danger if you do not heed my words"
"But you're just a cat!" snapped Nick, today was really beginning to get worse by the minute.
"You must admit you do sound a bit far fetched" added Simon.
Sighing the cat replied,
"Oh, whatever, but you have been warned, just one final thing, do not let these characters enter your house"
"Oh, so they're vampires now?" said Nick sarcastically.
"No, just dangerous, even if they don't realise it themselves"
"So they ARE vampires?" asked Simon, who'd lost track a long time ago .  Looking at its fellow felines, with a look that said 'is this really as difficult as I think?' the white cat added,
"The vampire myth and the undead myths have got mixed up along the way, you humans really are odd when alive I must say"
Before Nick or anyone could formulate a witty response, the door burst open and Sherry and Ali bounced in saying,
"Hey look, we've got visitors!"
"What?" said the white cat startled.
"Hey that cat..." pointed Sherry, forgetting their visitors momentarily.
With a muffled "excuse me"  a large figure pushed its way through the girls and said,
"Hello, allow me to introduce myself, I am affectionately known as Sharky and these are my associates Marcus and Nigel, we are, how shall I say? ...entrepreneurs of a musical kind"
As they walked into the room, the cats scattered, one cat sensing the wrongness of  Sharky, lashed out with its claws out.  Kicking out at the cat, Sharky said,
"Bad kitty" as he sat his bulky frame next to Simon on the couch, he continued, "Now, my dear friends, bored? I'm sure you are, let me offer you a proposition I'm sure you will not turn down"
Trying not to breath, Simon received the full effect of Sharkys odour problem and could not speak.
The cats, forced into silence by the arrival of the three visitors could do nothing but sit and watch as everyone was taken in by the promises given by Sharky.  It was going to be a long day.