Note: The conflict presented here has been resolved. I am just leaving this article here as a record of a past experience. No grudges are kept.
Myself: "I want to be able to talk to you so you don't feel like I am lecturing you anymore.
What do you suggest?"
Friend: "We'll talk about it next time."
Myself: "Sure.
I am hoping you are open to some suggestions as well."
Friend: "Don't bet on it too much."
Myself: "Well I was kinda hoping this thing would work both ways.
I'd like a mutual friendship.
So far i think it's been that.
Maybe you feel you are being ripped off though.
Maybe i feel it's been unfair for me as well."
No response from my friend after that.
He had organized a gathering with two other friends. For once, he wanted us to all be able to come out. I can relate to that feeling.
I said I probably need to spend time with my family.
He said we can never all come out at once and his tone hinted at disappointment, and anger.
I told him to be reasonable and to accept that I can decide not to go to some gathering. I pointed out to him that other friends have done it in the past.
He then asked me why I was lecturing him.
I said I was explaining my decision to him, not lecturing him.
He then asked me why I am making things out to be his fault.
I said I never said it was his fault.
I never knew that explaining my decision was the same thing as saying it was someone's fault. How foolish of me to not realize this.
I never knew that giving an explanation was also the same thing as lecturing someone. How very foolish of me indeed. I should have realized this simple truth a long time ago.
I wanted to patch things up, hence the conversation above. I said. He said. I said. He said. I said. I said. And said. And said.
Ah yes, a long time ago. Ten years ago it was. He was a good friend. I remembered how he got hit and cried. That was the only time I saw him cry. I wanted to comfort him, but didn't know how to. But he got over it quickly. He was emotionally tough. I enjoyed being his friend.
I asked myself whether it was really worth my effort to try to mend the friendship. I believed it was. I do not know of, nor do I recall when other friends try to mend relationships. Forgive me my weak memory.
This friend doesn't like to admit being wrong (who does?). I can live with that. I also can't enter a deep conversation with him. I can live with that. He doesn't seem to care too much about mending friendships. Perhaps he's been hurt too much. Or perhaps he knows it won't be worth it in the end. Can I live with that? I try to. I refuse to bleed.
I've thought about whether I was in the wrong and what I should say next time so he doesn't get the feeling that I am lecturing him.
Part of me wants the friendship to stay, part of me wants to leave it all behind, and only keep the memories that I had from ten years ago.
Maybe it's better to withdraw myself slowly, but surely, painfully, but tightly.
Either way, I refuse to bleed.
26th January 2002