I was next to you today. I wanted to walk up to you and say hi, or at least wave my hand and smile to let you know I was there. Instead, I was my usual self, unable to muster enough courage and give you a light tap on the shoulder and ask how you were today.
I watched you talk to other people and realised that I had pangs of envy. I quickly forced those feelings away because I know you'd dislike such pettiness. Still, after my envy subsided I looked at you longingly, as if by my stare alone I could make you turn and smile and bring warmth into my heart.
I had this small gift for you and waited for an opportune time to give it to you. But I guess today wasn't the day. Later, you came to my side again. But you talked to this other person. I kept looking at the shapes your mouth made as you formed each word. The other person was feeling down, and you comforted him as you always do to anyone in need.
Right then, I was feeling lost and alone too, and wished that you could comfort me as well. But I guess today wasn't the day.
It was a strange and maddening thought, that the two of us could be so close together, and yet our thoughts and hearts could be so far apart...
I wished I had the courage to look at you in the face and ask "Hey, do you wanna maybe go out for a drink?" and I wished that if I had asked you'd look at me in the face and say "That sounds good." .. but I guess today wasn't the day.
Still later, you had to go away and I followed you out but you were gone from my sight much too quickly. Then, you doubled back .. but I know it was because you forgot something. Again, like a disease, my cowardice plagued me till the end and instead of standing there to wait for you, I slunk away like a lifeless shadow.
I felt sad, yet happy at the same time. I do not understand how this can be, as if I take a perverse delight in feeling sad and alone. Is it because I am used to feeling this way and the familiarity brings me a sense of comfort?
I wonder if I am destined to live this way, ever close, but always far away? Am I to be someone granted fine speech, knowledge, wisdom and faith but also loneliness?
I have become used to this kind of existence. Somehow, I am happy, even when I stand next to you and realise that the chance of our thoughts and hearts being next to each other as well is next to never.
Mon 12th May 2003
Dedicated to her.