Well, it had to happen again. Twice within the same year can't be good. Usually, for most negative experiences, you get hit, you take it, you learn from it and move on. To be sure, there may be some dramas in between each phase of this cycle of learning to cope with negative experiences in life. But the general trend is as stated above. For someone who refuses to give up on life that is.
It just struck me that I have no set method to cope with subsequent encounters of the same kind of negative experience.
The conversation I had today is still floating around my head, probably dissipating slowly over the coming long weekend.
I was working, as usual, on a Friday afternoon when my manager wanted to "have a chat" with me. Actually, the acting manager for our department was the one that wanted to have a chat with me.
My manager and I went into his (the department manager) office. I sat down, switched my mobile phone off and waited for it. I couldn't exactly remember his words, but basically, this is what he said:
"I have put a request for your contract to be renewed, but unfortunately, we are tight on funds, and we have to cut one contractor off. There isn't a fancy way to say this, but you got the short end of the straw. It's not your ability or performance. I'm sorry."
Silence.
Then, I heard a voice speak. "It's ok. It is." It was my voice, but I don't know why I said that. Maybe I said what I believed will come to pass, not what I felt.
My manager apologized to me several times, because she was fairly sure (and with good reason) that my contract would be renewed. And when it didn't get renewed, I guess she somehow felt she was at fault. But she wasn't. Neither was my department manager. It wasn't even the fault of my department manager's superior, the one who made the decision to reject the request for renewal. He made the choice, I believe, on a couple of factors: the lack of funds coming through for the company and the timing of the expiry date of my contract. I was the logical choice to be let go. He had in mind the best interests of the company. He made the right choice. He was not at fault.
In times past, other contractors in the team got extended. And I didn't even get extended once. It's just my luck. Of course, technically speaking, that is a false statement. I just wanted to be able to say what I felt though.
What I will miss the most are the people I worked with. I hope I have influenced them in positive ways. I know one guy told me that I influenced him positively. That was probably my greatest achievement there.
I just don't know what I should do now. Look for a job, yes. I didn't mean that. I meant what direction my life should take.
I have doubts. Specifically, I am disappointed with God. If He is so wise, couldn't He have arranged, in His wisdom, for the company to have enough funds so that my contract could be renewed? To Someone who set the stars and galaxies in motion, what's making sure that a company has enough funds to Him? Absolute child's play! And yet, He chose not to.
Why? What lesson do I have to learn? Even when I lost my first job, I didn't know what lesson I needed to learn. Was it because I didn't cherish my job? Heck, my friends know I loved that job! Was it because I was proud? What was there to be proud of? Almost everyone in that company earned more money than I did or was more skilled than I was. I had nothing that I could have been proud of. And what about for this job? I've come to accept that having a job is a blessing, and I am grateful for it. But now, it's time to be on the run again, looking out for what comes next.
Eventually, we may all ask God why. This is certainly my night to question the Almighty.
Actually, I am not even sure I want to question Him. Or talk to Him. I just want to ignore Him. I mean come on Lord, if this is the best you've got, I think I ought to try and make it on my own from here on.
Moreover, I feel lied to. The Bible speaks of how the righteous will find shelter in God, and how He will be their refuge, their fortress, their rock. It speaks of how the upright will have nothing to fear, because God looks after them. It speaks of how those who trust in Him will never be put to shame.
Well let's see now, how does this apply to me? Okay, so maybe I'm not righteous. I know I'm not perfect. But I'm not too bad, right? I witness to my friends and work colleagues. I buy Christian books for my friends to read. I really go out of my way to at times to reply to my friends' questions about the Christian faith. I consciously seek to change those around me for the better and point them to God.
And is this God's way of saying "Well done, son."?
You know, the psychological stress of having to look for work again is almost unbearable. It feels like a large weight has been tied around my neck, and I'm being dragged down. Or it feels like I'm a man struggling to stay afloat in a deep sea, and everytime I surface, just when I think I can take a deep breath, someone deluges me with a tank of water, causing me to sink back into the deep waters.
The cycle starts again. Looking for work. Applying for jobs. Getting ignored. Getting rejected. Going through interviews. I hate this.
I definitely didn't ask for this. I am not looking to get rich, or move up in the corporate ladder. I want to be able to earn a living, possibly raise a family someday, and buy a nice place for them to live in. I don't think I'm being greedy. And yet this experience is a step back in my chances of being able to fulfill such a wish.
But nothing could hurt me more than the feeling of abandonment I have in my relationship with God. He said "Never will I leave you or forsake you." Well, I wish He could do a little more to show Himself right now.
No matter how much I want to though, I can never turn my back completely on Him. Not when He so clearly etched the fact of His resurrection into the rock of history. Not when He bled and suffered the way He did, all because He wanted to call me His son.
Scrape away my experiences and feelings, and you see a personal quest for the evidence of His existence and His truth over a period of six years. I cannot turn back. I am not saying I don't want to. I am very tempted in the light of today's event. But I can no more deny His sacrifice than I can deny that the Sun is hot. To do so would be to commit intellectual suicide and close my mind to the only truth ever worth knowing.
I never know why. I can only guess. Maybe He wants me to gain strength through the experience of failure. Maybe He wants me to be strong, so that I can be strong for others.
Are you strong? I'm not strong.
My dad said to me "Maybe God wants you to live an interesting life." That, has got to be one of the biggest understatements of all time. :)
I haven't forgotten about Job. He was blameless and upright. And yet those of us who read the book of Job know what he went through.
And this is one of the things he said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." - Job 1:21
As we saw, Job's reactions mattered to God. Who knows, maybe mine matter to Him as well.
Job clearly suffered in ways that would make me shudder to just even think about. And yet he did not curse God.
Can I afford to do any less?
Fri 4th October 2002