Life....finds a way.

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It certainly does Mr Goldblum.  I'm not, however, talking about the breeding of 100% female dinosaurs, I'm talking about how it (or He as I have now personified Life) can always find new and inventive ways for kicking you in the teeth.  Date: 1st March 2004 Anna and Kate are at it again.  Full volume slanging match.  You know what I just heard Anna say?  "I'm upset because I didn't realise you were going to get back with someone so quickly."  Is it just me or does she have absolutely no right to use that argument?  Not only is she morally wrong but if you look back at the previous Life page, you'll notice that someone has already used it.  Me.  Although it was less aggressive when I used it and was more about self-pity.  How can she stand there and act like she's been so distraught over this?  That should be my perogative and mine alone.  I don't even take it.  Apart from that once, and even then I couldn't bring forward any real rage to back it up, just more of a whimper.  I still don't feel angry at Kate for everything that's happened, and maybe I should.  If I did, I might start feeling better about things.  But I don't, and I can't.  I'm no good at bringing out that righteous anger from the moral highground.  As soon as I feel that I can the little voice (spawned by the Other Lot and fed by me) points out that someone as worthless as me shouldn't be able to take the moral highground, and that everywhere I stand instantly turns into the lowground.  I've had a pretty shitty day at school too, my mentor wasn't there.  First day at a new school and I really need somebody to look over all my files and say "Yes" or "No" and she's not there.  OK everybody gets ill every now and again but on my first day?  Come on.  I don't know what to do anynore, very little actually makes me happy for an extended period of time.  Plenty of things take my mind off it and I do enjoy myself but as soon as it stops I just go back to feeling shit.  I want, no, I need another Dragonfly moment.  When me and Kate were on holiday and we went to a place called the Blue Pool, which is like a tiny nature reserve.  We only went because I'd never seen a dragonfly before and there was a picture of one on the brochure.  Well, we got there and there were thousands of dragonflies everywhere.  That made me ridiculously happy but then one actually landed on me and that was it - the one moment of pure happiness.  It was just me and Kate, in beautiful surroundings and this creature which I'd always been pretty fascinated by landed on me and then Kate smiled.  Nothing else mattered right then, you could have told me anything and I wouldn't have cared, I was the happiest person alive.  Forget people who tell you that the happiest moment is when they win the lottery, or in the case of Angel, get shagged, right then was that moment of bliss.  And I'm never going to have one again.  I can't help but feel upset about that.

Date: 14th March 2004 Where to begin?  Well, quite a while has passed since my last rant but I don't really think that too much has actually happened since.  I went back up to Blackburn, which was good fun even if it did involve the Cellar Bar. Although I did see Hellen in the Cellar Bar which was fantastic because I haven't seen her for about two years.  Didn't really know what to say...

A Dragonfly.

...so I said very little really.  Its a shame because I really like Hellen - the very first Happy Goth I ever met (not to take anything away from Owen but he doesn't look so good in a basque.  The garment, not the antagonistic Spaniards.  Hey, I hope they don't put me on some kind of list because I called them Spaniards.) and a generally all round nice person.  I think it helps that she's a fox too ;).  What was I on about?  Fuck it.  Yeah so, Blackburn - big positive, Anna's gone - also a big positive but I can't stop having this general feeling of...ennui?  Is that the right word?  Probably not.  This past weekend has been one of ups and downs.  We'll start with the downs.  Kate and Ben is a pretty big down for me as I've already made clear but this weekend it was more a  case of being left on my own.  I'm uncomfortable when they're there and lonely when they're not.  I used to look forward to weekends but now they're more stressful than my week.  I can't help but still be upset by it all even though its been, what, 3 and a half months?  I don't know if my self-esteem can handle all this.  I've never been the most self-accepting guy around for a hell of a long time but sometimes there are moments when I feel worse than I ever have done before.  It takes so much effort and energy to act positive and upbeat all the time, which I feel obliged to do, when I really want the world to stop and say "Poor John.  He tries his best to make sure everyone else is OK but he's not able to feel that way himself."  Self indulgent? You betcha.  Part of me feels like I deserve that but part of me knows that I don't deserve anything at all.  Jesus, why am I feeling guilty about putting that up there?  This is my webpage, mine mine mine!  It should be about me, that's the entire point.  I bring all this on myself, I do put myself out for others but don't make a big deal about it and then get upset when nobody notices.  I'm lying, its not that nobody notices, its that nobody cares.  That's what gets me the most.  Nobody cares about me.  Rubbish I know, I have a fantastic group of friends that do care for me and worry about me even though I don't deserve it.  I think I'm trying to look for forgiveness.  I just upped sticks and left all my friends in Blackburn without a second thought.  I wasn't there when other people had problems and maybe could've done with me to sort things out because I just wanted to be with Kate, to be happy.  Where's that got me?  Its got me alone at weekends here in Chesterfield, listening to the voice in my head that doesn't like me.  Its a pretty convincing voice as well.  I'm not good at being on my own, I'm a social person, I need other people around me or I start dwelling on things and making myself feel awful.  Like the fact that I feel guilty for moving away from the Massive.  This little rant about the downs has got a lot more down than I thought it would.  I don't know if I should put the ups on now because they'll just seem to trivialise the downs.  I'm trying to apply a little bit of "realism" to this.  Because in real life people can never feel both ups and downs at the same time.  Yeah, right.  Look at all this crap I've put down, I'm just typing out my stream of consciousness in an attempt to get through all the self-indulgent bollocks and find the answer, the key, whatever it is that tells me "This is why you are so upset.  Here is what you do to stop being upset."  Am I going to find that in here?  Or am I just going to find my subconscious's stock answer "John+Solitude = Pathetic Wretch" because that's what it looks like to me.  Maybe when other people read this they see a guy who's trying his best to deal with his problems but just can't figure out how to do it.  Or something.  I just feel like  loser who can't properly articulate his feelings or accept who he is.  Enough with the downs already. On to the ups and on to the next page.

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