THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

(a classic updated for the age of E-mail)

From: Lydia December14

My dearest darling John:
Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree?
Thank you a hundred times!
All my love forever,
Lydia


From: Lydia December 15

Dearest John:
I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're
adorable. Thanks again!
Love always,
Lydia


From: Lydia December 16

Dear John:
Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens!
Love,
Lydia


From: Lydia December 17

Dear John:
Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're
beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic?
Affectionately,
Lydia


From: Lydia December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds
squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was
beginning to wonder about you!
Love,
Lydia


From: Lydia December 19

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining. Please stop.
Cordially,
Lydia


From: Lydia December 20

John:
What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird
poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a
nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop!
Lydia


From: Lydia December 21

O.K. Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?
It's not enough with all those birds - they had to bring
their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move
in my own house. Just lay off, smartass.
Lydia


From: Lydia December 22

Hey Bonehead:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine
pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped
chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are
upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me
evicted. What were you thinking?!


From: Lydia December 23

You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say
"ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers
all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me
to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you.


From: Lydia December 24

Listen you "#$%&*^#"
Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid
and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been
trampled to death in the orgy. The pipers have even
started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!!!
Your sworn enemy


Harrison Burnsley, Esq. December 25

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and
peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence
should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate
or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now
resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you
arrested on sight.



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