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Lovecraftian Filk Songs
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By Eli Balin. ``Apologies to Frank Sinatra''.
To the tune of ``Young at Heart'':
Cthulhu can come true
and be summoned near you
and will eat your heart.
Go insane, steal your brain
seven ways from Samhain.
He will eat your heart.
But if you can survive
to one hundred and five;
Perhaps try to revive
what was never alive:
Maybe you'll get smart,
and take a headstart
Before ol' Cthulhu comes and eats your heart!
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``Cthulhu, you're breaking my mind''
(Sung to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel's ``Cecilia'')
CHORUS:
Cthulhu, you're breaking my mind.
My sanity's vanishing daily!
Oh, Cthulhu, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you, please -- go away,
Go away!
I picked up this ancient book
By some guy named Abdul Al-Haz'red (Al-Haz'red)
Read two chapters; now it seems
You're disturbing my days and you're haunting my dreams.
CHORUS
Half-awake in the early morn
With my lover sleeping by my side (by my side)
When I feel a nameless dread
And I turn on the light, I find you in my bed!
CHORUS
Hiding out in the afternoon
In a room at Miskatonic U (hiding out)
Elder Signs from ceiling to floor,
And there's star-stones to block off the windows and door.
Consternation! He's found me again,
I crawl in the closet and shiver.
Consternation! He's found me again,
I crawl in the closet and shiver.....
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``Who's the Elder God we fear?''
(Sung to the tune of ``The Camptown Races'')
Who's the Elder God we fear?
Cthulhu, Cthulhu!
Who sleeps on from year to year?
Cthulhu is his name.
Going to pray all night
Going to chant all day
'Til he rises from the ocean floor
Then we will run away!
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The Old One Sleeps Tonight (By Chris Hicks and Michael Jones,
to the tune of ``The Lion Sleeps Tonight'')
Ph-nglui mglw-nafh Cthulhu fhtagna-weh!
Ph-nglui mglw-nafh Cthulhu fhtagna-weh!
(Background chant) Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!
In his dwelling place of R'lyeh,
The Old One sleeps tonight.
In his dwelling place of R'lyeh,
The Old One sleeps tonight.
Ph-nglui mglw-nafh Cthulhu fhtagna-weh!
Ph-nglui mglw-nafh Cthulhu fhtagna-weh!
Above the village, the peaceful village,
The stars are right tonight.
Above the village, the peaceful village,
The stars are right tonight.
CHORUS
Hush, my darling, be still, my darling,
The Old One wakes tonight.
Hush, my darling, be still, my darling,
The Old One wakes tonight.
CHORUS
Ph-nglui mglw-nafh Cthulhu fhtagna-weh!
Ph-nglui mglw-nafh Cthulhu fhtagna-weh!
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Sung to the theme of ``Tiny Toon Adventures'':
We're slimey, we're squishy, we're all a little fishy,
and in this adventure we'll be feasting on your brains.
We're abysmal creatures, with gross horrific features.
In Cthuloid adventures, lose alot of sanity.
So here's Miskatonic U. where all the creatures dwell,
take a look at a mythos book and find yourself in hell.
Your guns aren't defective, they just aren't real effective.
Our feast of human flesh and souls is about to start.
Your magic, and voodo will not stop Great Cthulhu.
Don't eat with the Tchoo Tchoo, and the Migo steal your brain!
Here's Narly, Tsathoggua, over there's Cthugha,
don't forget Ithaqua, and Hastur hates his name.
So here's sunken R'lyeh where the angles are all wrong.
You'll lose your soul, and go insane if you stay there too long.
We're slimey, we're squishy, we're all a little fishy,
Our feast of human flesh and souls is about to start.
And now we'll eat your heart.
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Mi-Go Named Fred
(Sung to the Theme of the ``Beverly Hillbillies'')
Well, let me tell you a little story 'bout a Mi-Go named Fred.
A poor mountain miner, barely kept his fungi fed.
And then one day when he was scooping out a brain...
Along came an ooze that popped right out of the drain.
Shoggoth that is, Elder Thing goo, R'lyeh tea.
Well next thing you know 'ole Fred got swallowed whole,
the other Mi-go turned and said ``That thing just got Fred's soul!''
They all pulled out their shiny guns and aimed it at the slime..
But the shoggoth ate them one and all in record setting time..
Four point three seconds....
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Mi-Go (By Bill Keyes, ``apologies to HPL and John and John.'')
(To the tune of ``Mammal'' by They Might be Giants)
Chitin shell,
Standing in between extinction in the cold
And explosive radiating growth.
So the ichor flows
Through the large membranous wings.
Carrying the very strange brain-cylinders that they have.
CHORUS: Mi-Go, Mi-Go (Mi-Go, Mi-Go)
Their names are called,
They raise a claw.
The wings, the things,
Ugly and mean,
Fungoid and green.
One of us might lose his mind,
When he's reminded that they once were here,
From the Mesozoic era, to the cold high Himalayas.
So the ichor flows
Through the large membranous wings.
Speaking in the very strange high pitched insect buzzing noise.
CHORUS
Azathoth the father of its sister Shub-Niggurath.
Their cousin called Yog-Sothoth,
Sleeping uncle Great Cthulhu.
CHORUS
The Ghast, the ghoul,
Deep One, and Dhole,
Byakhee, Elder Thing.
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Onward, Cthulhu Cultists (By Simon Barber.)
(To the tune of ``Onward, Christian Soldiers'')
Onwards, Cthulhu Cultists, just a few more years
Waiting till the Stars Are Right, when he Reappears
Rising from the ocean, striding to the shore
Claiming as his birthright, lands he ruled before
CHORUS: Onwards Cthulhu Cultists, like in times before
Best get on his good side, or he'll eat us raw!
Great is Lord Cthulhu --- this you ought to know
To get in his good books, while he sleeps below
Imprisoned in Ry'leh, far beneath the waves
Till we liberate him, from his living grave
CHORUS
Think of divine splendour, shaped not unlike Man
But with beard of tentacles --- picture if you can!
Splendid wings of ebon hue, spread beneath the moon
Sleeping down the aeons, dreaming from his tomb
CHORUS
Once he ruled in majesty, in the days of yore
Earth was young and splendid, and His was the Law
Till the jealous Elder Gods, envying his skill
Bound him with their symbols --- but we serve him still!
CHORUS
Soon comes the Millennium, face it without fear
If you love Cthulhu, then your future's clear
Ignore Nostrodamus, skip the Rapture too
Cthulhu is recruiting --- what he wants, is YOU!
CHORUS
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Cthulhu's Garden (Words by Abner J. Mintz and Sean Roberts)
(to the tune of ``Octopus's Garden'')
CHORUS:
Don't want to be
Under the sea
In Dread Cthulhu's garden
In R値yeh
Don't want to fight
Unearthly lights
And the thought of
Seeing Mi-Go makes me gray
Cthonians laugh and move around
Because they know we're aboveground
Chorus:
I haven't got
Even a shot
Of getting myself mugged
By a Deep One
I'm paranoid
And so I will avoid
Places never touched
By direct sun
I won't mention He Who's Never Named
But Hunting Horrors can't be tamed
Chorus:
Don't want to be
Where geometry
Has gone on holiday
At the beach
Sanity demands
Creatures with hands
Not a million tentacles
On a leech!
The Hounds give chase, I know I'm in a race
Round off the corners, that's what I must do
Chorus:
If sentient trash
Burbles for my cash
A homeless shoggoth?
You know I'll be sure
To keep a tin
Of gelatin
And while its making friends
I will abjure!
An Elder Sign would help me to be free
Of this black mass that wants to eat me
CHORUS:
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``I'd hate to play under R値yeh''
(Author unknown. To the tune of ``Octopus' Garden'')
I'd hate to play under R値yeh
in big Cthulhu's garden in a cave.
He'd pull us in, know where we'd been
in his big Cthulhu garden in a cave.
I'd hate my friends to come and see big ol'
Cthulhu's garden with me.
I'd hate to play under R値yeh
in big Cthulhu's garden in a cave.
He'd keep us whole, just eat our soul
in his monstrous hideaway beneath the waves.
Keeping us loose, hanged in a noose
in big Cthulhu's garden in a cave.
We would scream and shout out loud,
'cause we know we'll never be found.
I'd hate to play under R値yeh
in big Cthulhu's garden in a cave.
We would shout and flounder about
the tentacles beneath the ocean waves.
Oh what fear for every little dear,
knowing their minds are gone away.
We would be so crazy, you and me,
Cthulhu there to tell us what to do.
I'd hate to play under R値yeh
in big Cthulhu's garden with you.
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The Lair of Great Cthulhu
('' To the tune of ``Chattanooga Choo-Choo'')
Pardon me boy,
Is this the Lair of Great Cthulhu?
In the city of slime,
Where it is night all the time.
Bob Hope never went
Along the road to Great Cthulhu,
And Triple-A has no maps,
And all the Tcho Tcho's lay traps.
You'll see an ancient sunken city
Where the angles are wrong.
You'll see the fourth dimension
If you're there very long.
Come to the conventicle,
Bring along your pentacle,
Otherwise you'll be dragged off by a tentacle.
A mountain's in the middle,
With a house on the peak.
A gnashin' and a thrashin'
And a clackin' of a beak.
Your soul you will be a lackin'
When you see that mighty Kraken.
Ooo-ooo, Great Cthulhu's startin' to speak.
So come on aboard,
Along the Road to Great Cthulhu,
Wen-di-gos and Dholes
Will make Big Macs of our souls.
Under the sea,
Down in the ancient city of R'lyeh,
In the Lair of Great Cthulhu
They'll suck your soul away...
(Great Cthulhu, Great Cthulhu
--- Suck your soul ---
Great Cthulhu, Great Cthulhu)
...In the Lair of Great Cthulhu,
They'll suck your soul away!
Here follows an extended saxaphone solo a-la Tex Beneke...
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Like Azathoth
(To the tune of ``Like a Virgin'')
I made it through the Hounds
Somehow I made it through
Way out from Tindalos
Until the Act was one
I was lost, and alone
I was deaf, neither could I see
And it made me grow
Yes it made me grow
Exponentially
CHORUS:
Like Azathoth
Here since the very First Time
Like Azathoth
Overboiling, dumb and blind
Gonna crush all
From the Universe's center
A Nuclear Chaos broadcast
You're so fine, and you're mine
Since the Beginning of the Time
Oh, your organs sprout out
Yes, your organs sprout out
'Cause my gravity's so high
CHORUS
You're so fine, and you're mine
I am the Sultan of Demons
And you make me feel
Yeah you make me feel
Nothing at all
CHORUS
Like Azathoth, ooh, ooh
Like Azathoth
Feels so good inside
When they're piping, and they're yelling, and we're shaking
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Ooh, baby
Can't you feel my mass pulse
Since the very First Time
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Supercalifrajalisticexpialodocious Incantation Song
(Apparently by uphrrmk@Msu.oscs.montana.edu)
CHORUS:
Supercalifrajalisticexpialidocious;
If you say it loud enough, you'll call upon Cthulhu!
We know Julie Andrews is Cthulhu's Great High Priestess,
Supercalifrajalisticexpialidocious!
(disgusting Elder God noises of your choice)
It started on a Saturday
When I was just a lad;
I was watching ``Loony Tunes''
With acne that was bad;
Then Daffy started writhing
Just like he was possessed,
Choked out this tune,tore off his head
And made an awful mess!
(CHORUS)
I set off in a rowboat
To find the Elder God;
I found his pal, Yog-Sothoth,
Who was just an ugly sod.
He chewed up all my crew-mates,
My captain, and my dog;
And then he burped, excused himself
and drank up all my Blog.
(CHORUS)
When I finally found Cthulhu,
He was perched upon a throne,
Tentacles a-wavin'
Letting out a ghastly moan.
It seems that he had heartburn
from wolfing down Ed Meese,
I gave him Pepto-Bismol, his burblings to decrease.
(CHORUS)
I found that I was lucky,
for some did what I did,
And still ended up as Sushi
to the giant, bat-winged squid.
And some he blackened Cajun-Style
and others he ate raw;
Cthulhu shoveled thousands
in the squirming, wriggling maw!!!
(CHORUS)
So if you call the Elder God
Bring cattle four or five.
'cos if he gets enough to eat
He may leave you alive.
But if the Squid wants seconds,
it really is a shame;
For then you have to call upon He Who Must Not Be Named!!!
(You mean HASTUUR?)
(CHORUS)
We worship Julie Andrews,
We wear long robes and pray;
We watch The Sound of Music nearly every single day!
We chant to Mary Poppins
And Boo at Dick Van Dyke.
('Cos he's the only Elder God we never really liked!!!!)
(CHORUS)
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Don't Go That Way (Apparently by John Crowdis.)
(To be sung to the tune of ``Achy Breaky Heart'')
It started with a look
In an old and dusty book
Of things we were not really meant to know.
And now I'm running scared
From dread beyond compare
And an invite for being dinner at Tcho Tcho's!
This house is awf'ly dark
Let's go back up to the park
But perhaps that isn't such a good path
The last time I was there,
Do you remember Blair?
He was carried off by Shub-Niggurath!
CHORUS: Don't go that way,
I'd rather have you stay
With me in this terrifying dream
But if you go that way
I'll go the other way
And listen for your distant awful screams, aaaaauugh!
Off to the bayou
Where they're playin' with Voodoo
But I don't like the sound of that grim song.
Don't pull out your big gun
I'd really rather run
From people calling evil Chaugnar Faugn.
And now they're playin' games
Like ping pong with my brains
Please believe me it's the truth I'm telling you!
For deep beneath the sea,
In slime and sawing ``zees''
Is a huge and ugly Great Cthulhu.
CHORUS
Don't go that way
How much should I pay
For you not to go down that deep hole
'Cause I don't have a rope
And there isn't that much hope
If you wind up annoying a big dhole, eeeeeeeww!
Don't go that way
You really ought to stay,
Your safer here of that fact I am sure
But if we decide to stay,
Be careful not to say
The name of the unnamed one called Hastur...
oops.
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Gotta Do Away With You (By James A. Westbrooks.)
(To the tune of ``Only Wanna Be with You'' by Hootie and the Blowfish)
Yog-Sothoth is from a different world,
He always laughs aloud when he looks at all the girls.
You think I'm crazy and maybe it's a sin,
I did the ritual that will make him be my friend.
There's just one thing left to do:
I gotta sacrifice a girl like you!
You look so sad, but there's nothing I can do,
I really hoped he'd never catch a glimpse of you.
Took a chance, but he said,
``Yeah, you really love her but I gotta have her head.''
So it's what I gotta do,
I gotta do away with you!
Then I'll be so cool,
I gotta do away with you!
Turn on a little Thicketts,
Just to set the mood,
I say ``That song is great'', you ask me what a Shoggoth is.
Well, they're kinda big and gray,
And a little rought at play,
They cost about a million bucks and when you die they'll worship me.
I'm sorry you're unlucky,
I gotta do away with you.
Ain't Lovecraft so cool?
I gotta do away with you!
Yeah, I'm guessin' I'll miss you,
I gotta do away with you!
Yeah, then I'll be so cool!
I gotta do away with you!
Sometimes I'm happy that I'll never die,
Don't sit and laugh at me 'cause you know ol' Yog don't lie.
You know you're jealous, so just let me say,
You're cute my baby but your head's going away!
There's just one thing left to do:
I gotta do away with you!
Now don't call me his fool!
I gotta do away with you!
No I won't be missin' you!
I gotta do away with you!
I gotta do away with you!
I gotta do away with you!
I gotta do away with you!
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