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As it may not seem to everyone, I have just relized how sick I am of telling people how I feel. It makes me want to stop talking to people all together. I may have my seleceted people that I care about, but I feel everyone putting thereselves in my business. I will no longer tell anyone what is wrong, If they care, they will read my diary (Saddly my own boyfriend wont read it.. figures...)
"I cant handle this But I cant handle anything else. Its my own mistake" -Mindless Self Indulgence. I love that line. It actully has alot of meaning in it. Skuld used to say it alot... Right now Im going to jabber on about what I miss... First of all, I miss the old Skuld. The one before the obbsession with boys and/or girls. The one that always played around, wasn't to annoying with the random, fake-Skuld mask. The one that didn't "take" important people to me. I guess she changed in 9th grade after dateing Kenshin... Next, I miss the old Relena... She was like my sister. She'd pick me up ever day, hang out with me. And also she protected me from verbal fights. She'd always come in while people were hurting my mind. But now shes obbsessed with her boyfriend and likes to show her tits off... And calles everong "sweety"... Ugh... Next I wish Hina was the same way she used to be. She used to be just like Skuld. She was always known for being a bisexual. Now shes semi slutty, she asks me to do her, etc. She used to be so nice. Now she talks about people behind there back.... Of course its easy to find out... But thats not the point... It makes me sad, because I think "Wow... Maybe she is back to her old self..." Then I sit at Skulds computer with her s/n and see all this lieing about me she dose.... Next, I miss the old times when everyone was oblivious to how we dressed. We could wear high-waters and no one would care. I often find myself wearing red and black tights, shorts, and a black shirt NIN. It reminds me of those days... No one cares. Now all the high school students second glace at me, point at me, snicker... And often I'd hear "Look its that quiet weird girl... Is she sane?? She draws an awfull lot..." Also I miss not being forced by my parents to do things. They always told me to do what I wanted, to hanve fun with school. Now I'm stuck in Marching Band. I HATE IT! I just started skipping practice, In hope that I'll be kicked out... I hope it works... I need to do better in school... Saddly, also I wish my parents actully took more notice in my grades.. When they did, I always made myself do better... This semester I got straight F's... My parents dont even know... I hate everything... Now I hate my older sister more than anything... I miss her so dearly.. And she stops comunicating with me because of her new boyfriend who is an ass hole. Calling me a homosexual. Sleeps down stairs at my house sometimes where Skuld is, and says mean things to her. I want him to die. I also hate the money problems. Sometimes I cant even buy lunch.. My dad'll just give me change to last me the week... Also My parents told me that I need to suport myself... I'm 16! They want me to buy my own food, etc! Fun activitys I understand, but littarly SUPPORT MYSELF! I might as well move out! Next I miss the old Touya... He dosnt know it yet, but he has changed in our relationship. I dont think he cares anymore... I truely dont... I have my moments when I know he dose, but most of the time Its me getting blow'n off, or hes "to busy" for me... Gah... Last and mostly... I miss my old self. I know I changed, but im only protecting myself, if anyone understands that... I dont think I can hanndle one more person saying "I hate you" or "I need time away from you" All I ever wanted is someone that wont leave me or not have time for me... Sanosuke is very guilty for this... I just ant someone I can talk to, who wont get annoyed by me... But i cant trust anyone.. So far Aya and Killua have been the only ones to really listen to me. Skuld herd a bit... But shes to involved with her own "minor" problems... She thinks she has problems.. She dosnt know me half as well as she thinks she dose... Well, I selected another song for the day.. One that I just herd recently.. But It made me cry... God im such a cry baby lately... I truely dont understand how anyone can stand me... I have been getting yelled at, but I guess I deserved it... Truely... Whoever responds me to me, tell me why people care, or still talk to me??? God I hate me... Evanescence - Going Under Now I will tell you what I've done for you 50,000 tears I cry Screaming, Deceiving, And bleeding for you And you still won't hear me ...go away... Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once) Not tormented daily defeated by you Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom [chorus] I dive again I'm going under (going under) Drowning with you (drowning with you) I'm falling forever (falling forever) I've got to break through I'm, going under Blurring and stirring the truth that comes out (I don't know what's real and what's not) Always confusing the thoughts is my head So I can't trust myself anymore I dive again I'm going under (going under) Drowning with you (drowning with you) I'm falling forever (falling forever) I've got to break through, I'm, so go on and scream Scream at me, so far away I won't be broken again I've got to breathe I can't keep going under I dive again I'm going under (going under) Drowning with you (drowning with you) I'm falling forever (falling forever) I've got to break through, I'm, going under (going under) Going under (drowning with you) Ja, Undefined |