Rantings - 6/24/03

This might seem odd. I wrote a SECOND ago, a MEER second ago. And here I am writeing again. SO meny thoughts... Even my song changed. I sat for a while with my face smashed up against my keybored, and yeah, I take the crying thing back. I left my monetor fogged up and my face sticky... I just needed something to trigger it. Yeah, Im crying. Its great, maybe after this I wont feel as bad.
Why do I do this... I feel so bad.. I know that everyone that has my link is going to read this and just think "Wow... And she wants me to feel sorry for her.." No I dont want that at all. You dont even have to say anything to me. Im just getting this all out. Im just going to go on ranting...
Why do people go after messy relationships..? Like ones that they know wont work out... You know you always have the thought... Mine is "Wow... Hes never had a girlfriend, hes so good looking, and so sweet... every girl wants him.. SOme day hes going to realize that he picked up on the most messed up person in the world." But right now, Im letting it slide with a "Im happy... Yeah.. I mwith one of the greatest things in the world! I got my best friend who is ALWAYS tere for me... and I got other people... That are there for me to talk to..."
I figures out why I care about Lizz so much. She is the only person who has actully SEEN me cry, like sob... Not just a tear or two. I ran into her arms when I did, also I went straight to her when my first problems with Stitch started. I cant let go of those memorise. Shes always there for me even though she can be a total bitch to me...
I cant stand this "free" lang. If its so free... then why do I live like I do. Im 16 years old, I have to get a part time job, and start supporting myself.. WHy? Because my father cant get a decent job, and my mothers self estime is the pits. My current condition is that sometimes I dont have FOOD in my house. I finally had a meal the other day, my mom made lasania... Well, guess what. I bet by tomorrow, my dad will EAT it all... Why? Because thats what he dose.
I feel so weak. Why am I like this all of a sudden? Is it because someone I dont even know sat in a chat box and gave out all his messed up problems? Or is it because my best friend dosnt even know what true happiness is? Or is it because Huy said that hes scared that things are changeing? Or is it that Im scared Ill probebly end up looseing my computer, looseing, my apartment and liveing with my grandparents like I used to...
I figured out this... My grandfather is leaveing in a week or so for a week... Im going to stay with my grandmother... And not even leave the house... Maybe Ill recooperate.. I just want to be with everyone in a happy way... Thats never going to happen. I know i always run away from everything but I cant help it.
You know what I want right now? I want a room... With Huy and Kaze and A tv with ANIME non stop.. Something like Naruto or DNangel. And a giant bowl of CHOCLATE ice cream. Oh... Choclate ice cream always makes me feels better. During the school year, Id always run over to 7-11 and by Haganns Dawz Choclate Peanut Butter ice cream. but Its be so awsome with Huy and Kaze to join me. The two people I care most about.
Spongebob had me thinking. He said "I was never really good at anything, untill I started DDR, thats why I brag so much." And I said "Well Im not good at anything.." Its so true... Seriously. I look at all my art work.. And think "WOw.. I wish I can be like Mcaully.." Or I look at my writeing and think "God... Im so stupid, this is so fictional it'd kill people..." And then Id look at my DDR skills and think "I wish I was like Kaze..." Then Ill looke at myself and think "What a mess..." I need to find a hobby. I tried for the longest time.
I suck at EVERYTHING. I even tried bowling! I care about DDR alot because I just LOVE the people. Even though they get depressed and all, most of the DDRers are there for eachother. DDR also helps me get emotionless. When I play DDR, I look at the arrows and think "Must try to PA..." I dont have time to think how shitty life is. Thats the true reason I play... I just want to meet everyone and be on of the "guys". Like you always hear "HEY ITS KAZE!" Or "Hey its PROJECT SUBWAY!" Or soemthing of the sort... I just want to hear "Its Shane-dono! I know her!" Iv been hideing for so long...
Iv been writeing a long time... Dear god what Is WRONG with me...

Song of the.. time: Tatu - All the Things She Said

Tatu - All the Things She Said

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough

I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help it's only because
Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?

I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out
Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me
Nobody else so we can be free

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough

All the things she said
All the things she said

And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault but I want her so much
Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare - don't worry me
‘Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head

Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind

Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?


Thoughts,
Shane


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