UNDER a GROOVE

UNDER a GROOVE NAS .+. VISUAL STEPS .+. link .+. link .+. link

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UNDER a GROOVE made by lynn//ASTERLYN. hey guys welcome to dancin queen version UNDER a GROOVE version II. i finally had the time and was inspired to update it again. It contains MY OWN GROOVE my place to put my thoughts and PICTURES which are really the important things to have on here. i hope you guys enjoy your stay here. if you want to look at other links its under the title... NAS contains past thoughts and VISUAL STEPS is an added section.

mr.man attempting to feed me soup

MY OWN GROOVE june.27.2oo5 current groove: who will i run to its been a while since i last wrote here with time lots has happened... many ups and downs ands struggles to handle... to start off school is becoming tough with more projects and less time to do them each week. working longs hours in front of the computer while eye bags form under tired droopy eyes... people say i have it's easy because im working with a computer.. "everything is being done for you" well shows what those people know... it takes a lot to form something out of thin air and your only tool is creativity. i may not be writing 10 pages essays and having finals... YET! but i am working my butt off so dont tell me i have it easy. as for the job search its going but slowly... the income or should i say lack there of is becoming lower and lower. i just need to catch a break. on other subjects i learned that friendship does have a time limit... there is this grace period where you can say sorry and everything will continue on its path... but once its passed its done. that friendship you once knew no longer needs you. though it was hard its something i must let go it was my own fault for taking it out on people that had no reason to be in it. there is nothing left for me to do. well the days become fewer and fewer and the month almost coming to a close... you would think that that is something to look forward to.. a new month to start over and continue your life. for some that may be true, i dont know so much for me. the past couple of months have been ones that i never thought i would experience. but like the saying, "never say never." im living proof of that... i use to say "no, never again!" with such a passion. but here i am in the situation i said i would NEVER be in. to recap the past months i learned how to trust, i was exposed to different worlds, became comfortable, and for once i was happy who i became. a part of me i thought had died was awaken. the feeling of sharing memories, laughs, and pains was fulfilled. it was almost everything i wanted... the feeling of "belonging" was one that left me speechless. i heard words i thought i would never hear coming out of mouths i thought could not speak such things. i catch myself sometimes thinking how did this all come along, i ask myself "why me?" then as time pasted it became "why not me?" i deserve to be happy right? to have a smile put on my face, to be appreciated, to be noticed, to be fully accepted for being me. if thats true how come when the sun goes down and another day starts i wish i could just hold on to that day, that it never ends. so nothing will be taken away from me. it was like a chain reaction the problems i was dealing with were solved... family came around and had trust and approved... social issues were catered to by being accompanied with trust worthy people and i became happy even though it seemed that the very little happiness i became was upset all the time i wasnt... behind closed doors i was happy with what was brought to me. dont you think something that great being taken away would suck? i would think so. its times like this that make me want to travel into the future. i want to go and take a glance on how i am doing... just to make sure that i made it through these hard times... that i survived. because the present is killing me... just for once i want to experience full happiness. until they make and sell time machines i guess ill just have to wonder what my future holds and wait like the rest to see what happens. with all this thinking im starting to think that the "all or nothing" approach is a stupid option however its still an option as much as i want all of it... and having it partly will make things worse on my part, why? because ive been down that road that long road of uncertainty and in and out feelings... something i went through that i can no longer handle. "Who will I run to Who will I turn to Now that you left me behind Who will dry my tears When I cry Who will I run to Who will I turn to Now that you’re not here In my life" may.3o.2oo5 current groove: my boo what a week it has been... last week was my 19th birthday. honestly i was not excepting much but i got more then i could ever ask for... mr. man was there with me the day before until it turned midnight to say happy birthday. the day of showed up with beautiful long stem roses, balloons, and more. went out to eat with the family and then just enjoyed each others company. it was not the typical birthday plans i have had before but this birthday topped them all it was spent with people that really genuinely cared. thank you to those people mostly to mr. man because i know he was very tired. thursday was a very hectic day filled with stress and worry. i knew coming into this that there would be a chance of that happening but i never really thought it would. it was a site to see the night before all intact the next night all torn and all over the place. the following nights were spent pretty restless due to lack of sleep come saturday the day to clean what was left. took down walls filled with many memories all in which i have enjoyed. at the end of the night grew tired from all the work that was done, headed home to a secure place. did some laundry, grabbed a bit to eat, talked and played with our baby beyonce. sunday was a day to take our minds of things and just enjoy for even for a few hours. myself, mr. man, and his friends headed over to six flags magic mountain. a fun filled day... made some new friends, relived some old memories, and just chilled. but at the end of the night was brought back to reality of what was happening. this weekend was definitely a rough ride but there were people that i would like to say thanks for even for a few moments helped with that ride, lolo for the help and driving my ass around, the best friend we've been through a lot thanks for being there for me through this just your presence made my day and made me relax, to miss annie for being the great friend you are, really defining " a friend who is down for a friend no matter what." what can i say this event did change my out look on the road ahead. just this weekend i learned to let go of everything and trust someone, completely trust someone. i never felt this level of trust. where you can care so much and just completely give yourself. that you shed a tear if you hear that distance may be put in between you and that person you gave that trust. but you asked "you're not going to let that get in the middle of THIS?" i'll tell you right now... "im there, im content" if things result to the last option, as much as it will pain me... i understand you have to do what you have to do, but i'll be like aaliyah singing "i miss you." as of right now im here i know cant offer much but im here for you. just play it by ear and we'll "compromise" thank you to mr.man for everything birthday gifts, time, effort, hours of sleep or lack there of, just everything. "At night I think of you, I want to be your lady,Baby If your game is on gimme a call boo. If your love is strong ima give it all to you.. Everyday i pray my heart can win.... Everynight i pray i can call you my man. I need you i want you To have you,hold you,squeeze you So now im going out every weekend Just to see my boo" may.16.2oo5 current groove: so sorry well what can i say i am a very difficult person to deal with. well this past week and weekend have been pretty interesting thats for sure all started on thursday the usual routine between me and a parental. the issue of me going out but n the end it turned out alright... my girlfriend is the greatest taking me and rescuing me for the day... went to the mall had our one on one conversation that was great it was even better at night when we went to a little get together met new people which was cool learning to be more open and welcoming new friendships to form. then it was a nice time knocking out at girlfriends house after a fun filled night of checkers, open conversations, hiding behind a couch, and just plain fun. it was my last night of fun before dooms day. which was friday... the day i would have to get my wisdom teeth pulled out... after a long morning at girlfriends house went to my dentist appointment and was face to face with death.. well not to that extreme but it was pretty bad... they were digging for my teeth they they were gold. after about an hour and a half it was over my mouth swollen. target buddy picked me up and we went to target to pickup some chicken noodle soup for me to eat.. had our fun in the target parking lot with the car sessions which were always fun. then got brought home by another target buddy. knocked out for a while then a visit from mr. man who bought me a milkshake to make things feel better. then just slept the night away. then saturday rolls around early wake up call after knocking out again headed over to hts for some festival where i got fried and turned dark saw some old faces and went to old hang outs. spent a good portion of the day drugged up. spent the night with lolo1 and lolo2 who came back from the bay and canada and attempted to eat thai food. came home and watched a movie with the family. sunday went to glendale once again for a little family reunion because it was lolo3's birthday. lolo1, lolo2, and lolo3 all in one spot talking about everything... heard alot about family history today. came home took a little nap then had a visit from mr. man. i know i can be a pretty hard person to deal with sometimes... i know constantly target buddy calls me stubborn i just want to thank all of those people for putting up with it... target buddy i know you preach and preach and think i dont listen i do listen but i just might not act upon your words.. however know that your advice and caring heart is noticed and appreciated. to THE best friend for always listening to me even know i have not yet taken control... you would have been proud of me today... i took control! but mostly to the person i have given the hardest time of all... i have asked countless questions some more then once, pick fights, and just been a brat sometimes... i asked why you put up with me.. you answered because you put up with me... i guess youre right, again. we do balance each other out. im going to try my hardest no to jump the gun and think things and work on my issues. im happy youre willing to put up with a brat like me. "I'm so sorry for anything I might have done. And I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt the only one, And I'm sorry, the best laid plans sometimes fall through, For anything that I might've done, I apologize to you. For anything that I might've done, I apologize to you." may.1.2oo5 current groove: voices in my head weekend fun: friday- kevin flew it saturday- nicoles graduation from pepperdine, - family everywhere - camarillo - tippin' on 4 4s... love my cousins. - glendale havnt been there in forever - saw some old faces - spent the night in glendale... it was a long day sunday- cousin day - the gal - in n out - amityville horror - pitzer university and now im back at home. it was a good family weekend. kevin is only here for a week, it was fun hangin' with the cousins... they are "tippin on 4 4s" making me laugh all the time. but yes a thing that came up this weekend was... "can you believe it, its been almost been a year since we graduated." its true a year has gone by since high school. we are getting older and things have changed so much. its crazy... one cousin has graduated college and now in the real world, another in the coast guard traveling around the USA, another becoming a nurse, and the other in the same road as myself studying arts. damn time goes by so fast before we were just little kids playing with each other worrying about nothing much but playing ddr on the playstation and taking the yearly cousin picture during summer break. now we barely get to see each other cause of our busy lives planning our future. sometimes i wish i could rewind and just press pause. lay still in the good moments i had. i already how things in my head i was thinking about... this weekend added to it. not in a bad way but it was just one more thing to think about... i love you all cousins. i have more i can say but i can seem to get then out right now. april.25.2oo5 current groove: simple man it is monday morning and its early usually i would be grumpy and moody and my brain wont wake until around 12 or 1 but yes it is 10:07 and awake with lots on my mind that needs to come out. well lets start with my fuck up... i fucked up and didnt think about my actions. i didnt mean to overlook your feelings for the situation. i honestly didnt think it meant that much to you but now that i do. im sorry. ive said it to you.. i know that you said that you will brush it off but im still sorry. the next one is this on going subject of friendships. what else can i say about it.. i think i said all i could. how i feel about it, what i think about it, what happened to me because of it. honestly there was a point where i was ready to go and kiss and make up. but as of right now with some many events going on in my life. i think im gonna need time again. like i said before if our paths cross in the future then i guess its suppose to happen. but as of right now im gonna keep things the way they are. the pass couple of days have been a learning experience. 1) having lots of friends doesnt meant shit because yes you have them great in number but how many of them do you know has your back. its good to see the true colors of "your friends" so you can discard that ones that are just there for decoration. 2) you never really know who can stab you in the back it hurts enough if a friend does it but just imagine your own flesh and blood. you think out of all the people in your life they would be the ones that have you back and willing to back up for you. but no they are the ones that put you on blast. dont worry my friend i know how that feels. i know the pass 6 months have been really different from my usual routine in my life. new friends, new surroundings, new everything. i had to start all over again i love change i embraced it when it came but how i choose to change it maybe is questionable. the approach i took was very drastic but i learned how to deal with it my own way. its better that way because its all on me. i have no one to put fingers at when i fuck up or when i succeeded. i learned to trust someone beside the history we had. their company has been one i enjoyed. ive also made a lot of new friends... my melrose buddy, counselor, target buddy, black brotha, headrush, big brother i never had and others but those people have been really good people to me the past couple of months. they made it easier for me to get on with everything. though questionable i glad i made the change i made... if it affected other people all i can say is sorry but i cant change what happened. "I'm just a simple man I like pretty things I'm a simple man, really I'm just a simple man [Yes, I am] I like funny things; I like beans and rice I'm just a simple man I like stupid things I'm a simple man, really I'm just a simple man [What you like?] I like funny things; I like cheap things Give me the body of a goddess ???? from God It's odd how things fall in place I'm all about good taste, expensive or not No sensitive spot in you, I like what I got Now don't mistake man for mind, 'cause I'm not simple-minded Just logical, efficient and completely on time With my thoughts in the process always bring progress" april.17.2oo5 current groove: JC's blog entry ive decided to wipe "MY OWN GROOVE" clean because no need to keep all that here. start it out all fresh. its pretty cool how you can come up from such a bad fall. when you think that you have just reached rock bottom and would just stay there, but you find a way to get up from the fall. even though im still in that process of recovering its one that im enjoying. you learn that you were strong enough to overcome it all. the word friendship is one word in my dictionary that is so hard to define. i thought i had it all figured out but i didnt. its that lesson i had to learn the hard way. ive had so many "best friends" but in the end i was left with me. but there is that one person that i truly believe was or is my best friend. we've been through a lot, joyous times being the best of friends, times of no longer talking to each other, then by a miracle, rejoined. she knows who she is, thanks and remember they never know whats in front of their face. with this subject of friendship there are so many areas i must cover but im not going to. why you ask. its because i learned my lesson. 1) not to except so much of a person 2) never say never 3) never care more then you should. these are for a spread of things thats just to make a long story short. the memories will be cherished, laughs remembered, but its time for me just to put them away because i know things just arent going to ever be the same. time to move on. conversation now a days arent about wheres the big party is or when we're gonna get fucked up. conversations have grown to when we are gonna move on out of the parents house, where im going with my future, and deeper things. dont get me wrong im one that likes to have fun too but i find it fun to just chill and talk. its nice just to have a conversation with someone about the randomest things and just have a rolling conversation one subject just running to another. ive had so many of those lately. its great. those people just make my day by being there to talk to. its also nice to hear when people say that "you deserve better" because it makes you feel more then what you think you are worth. it gives you that boost on your off days when you think the world has just turned its back on you. it amazes me where i am in my life... so many things i see differently. the people i surround myself with are not who i thought. mostly with the company i have been keeping the past couple of months. its weird how things workout. mostly it being the second time coming around. even though i may have my doubts and issues i'm willing to have patience with things being that there is a slow approach being taken. its good to know that you have THAT someone there for you. though there are still obstacles of effort and trust we have to complete, we can talk them through. "we" being a key word. but as of now there are no options. hoping that its vice versa. im content with my new surroundings and company. someone told me that lately ive had the "good vibe" coming off me i intend to keep it coming. the way it will continue is if i just stay focused on what im doing now... no need to rock the boat with drama. just leave it be. to recap lessons ive learned... 1) not to except so much from a person knowing that they arent going to do anything 2) never say never because anything is possible 3) never care more then you should because you should meet in the middle 4) conversations are the cure to mostly everything 5) is im still learning my lesson. "i have a deep appreciation for the ladies. i know many of you dont give yourself enough credit for what you are. women are the depiction of beauty." 'bitches' - from the movie "the brothers" i would trade my life and all its riches to rid my life of all the bitches. to watch a game just eating and drinking and say 'yo get out my face' when she say 'oh baby what you thinking.' to hang with my boys and not worry a bit to get me a little ass and get on with my shit. to have a good life baby free from her friction bedful and pregnant and in the mothafucking kitchen. but they got the booty and hey thats the hitch and us without them aint that a bitch.

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