Wreslers bioghraphies

Kane & The Undertaker
The truth - stranger than parody

With its dropped angles, revolving roster doors, changes in the booking department and many unexplained gimmick changes, the world of professional wrestling can fail to deliver proper continuity and storytelling to its audience. Therefore, for the sake of the smart fan, ScoopThis.com has elected to bring these broken storylines together, and recount the script - without rewriting it - in one fluid column. We call this the STc Biographies.

We present to you - the smart fan - the story of Kane & The Undertaker, as it was scripted by the WWF.

The Callaways owned and operated a funeral parlor in Death Valley, GA. On March 24th, 1962, they gave birth to the undead Purity of Evil and Lord of Darkness and named him - what else? - Mark. Since both parents were very busy with the booming death business, it was their parlor assistant Paul Bearer who watched over Mark most of the time. Paul was only 8 himself.

Five years later, the 13 year-old Paul had an affair with Mark's mother, which produced another son - Glenn. This secret would remain concealed for another 30 years, to protect the secret of Ms Callaway's pedophilia.

Like most young boys, Glenn and Mark would often get into trouble. After playing with flammable embalming chemicals one too many times, it happened. The house and the funeral parlor went down in a raging inferno, killing both parents and, presumably, young Glenn.

According to the bulbous Bearer, he was at school when the Callaway home caught fire. He returned home in time to see the building go down in flames, and saw Mark run off! Both parents perished, but the younger sibling miraculously survived that fire, with only his teeth ruined by the inferno - a fact no one knew, except for his father, Paul. Pointing to what he claims to have seen, Bearer told Glenn that his beloved brother set the fire purposely to kill his entire family! Bearer kept Glenn in isolation since that day, not letting anyone else know he was alive. Over that time, the scarred monster has listened, time and time again, to Bearer recount the story of how that fateful fire began.

This tragic turn of events was a crossroad for both children. Each grieved in their own way: Mark packed up his parents' ashes and chose the path of professional wrestling, while Glenn chose to pursue a Masters degree in dentistry, to compensate for his forever-ruined enamel.

While Glenn was breezing through med school with flying colors, the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase made Mark an offer he just couldn't refuse and introduced him as his mystery partner for the WWF Survivor Series 1990. He called himself Kane the Undertaker. Originally managed by Paul Bearer-lookalike Brother Love, the Undertaker eventually brought in the real Paul to watch over his career.

Paul never told Mark about Glenn still being alive, however, and only pretended to be on Mark's side for the next 8 years, while secretly grooming Glenn to come kill - yes, kill - the Undertaker. Which was no small task, given that it would mean first finding a way to bring him to life. In the meantime, with the earnings he won from DiBiase, Mark bought himself a shiny new golden urn so he could take his parents with him wherever he went and draw power from them.

During a confrontation with Hulk Hogan in 1991, the Hulkster opened his urn, grabbed a fistful of UT's parents, and threw them in the air, blinding the Undertaker. That was the last we've seen of UT's parents, but the empty urn continued to serve as inspiration for the Lord of Darkness for several more years to come. It was even stolen by Kama for a brief period of time and melted into a necklace, but soon reclaimed and molded back into the shape of an urn.

But the urn was more than just aesthetically pleasing - it was practical, eventually upgraded and doubling as a flashlight when time called for it. The flashlight urn became a coveted item, and was eventually lost to Mick Foley in a match sometime in 1996. Mick apparently still uses it when disaster strikes and the power goes out. The Undertaker has since learned to live without it, so it worked out well for everyone.

While his brother's career flourished in the WWF, Glenn changed his name to Isaac Yankem, DDS, so as to not raise suspicion in the community of Death Valley that he was still alive, and was now a practicing dentist. One day, none other than 'The King' Jerry Lawler came in to disinfect his mouth after losing a kiss-my-foot match to Bret 'The Hitman' Hart, when Yankem had an idea. Against the advice of his father Paul who didn't think he was ready, he offered Lawler to take care of Bret if he could get him in the WWF, so he could get closer to his brother Undertaker, and maybe get an autograph from his favorite performer, 'Diesel' Kevin Nash. Lawler agreed, and soon introduced the massive dentist to the world of professional wrestling.

But Yankem didn't yet master the art of spontaneous human combustion and fireball projection, and as a result went into the industry unfocused and unprepared. The experiment was a failure, and he took it badly. Some say the failure drove him psychotic. He started dressing like his favorite WWF superstar, the WCW-bound Diesel. In light of his failure as himself, Yankem soon started to believe he was really Diesel. Announcer Jim Ross eventually saw the potential in fooling his entire audience into thinking the former Diesel was returning to the WWF, and introduced the Fake Diesel to the world during an episode of RAW. This attempt, too, met with failure. The Fake Diesel retired as quickly as he appeared and went into a deep depression.

It wasn't until his father rescued him in 1997 that Glenn finally found himself. Paul Bearer hadn't recognized his son as Yankem or Diesel, due to his bad eyesight and general poor health, but he did now, and so Paul informed the former dentist that as a half-brother of the Purity of Evil, he has special abilities he never knew of. Now filled with renewed rage and passion, Glenn soon learned from Paul how to ignite ringposts, throw fireballs, and no-sell moves. He wore a mask to hide his rotten teeth, and was now prepared to face his brother in the WWF. The unimaginative Paul named him Kane, the same name Undertaker used in his WWF debut, and the big red machine made his first appearance at Hell In A Cell 97.

Both brothers feuded for over a year across the country, doing what brothers tend to do -- insulting eachother, trading blows, setting eachother on fire... with Undertaker getting the upper hand in the end. They eventually got bored of one another and went their seperate ways: Kane began teaming up with Mick Foley and Sean Waltman, while the Undertaker discovered the Amish way of life, sacrificing men, kidnapping women, and burning teddy bears. The Undertaker eventually married underaged Stephanie McMahon in April of 1999 on live television, but has been sorely neglecting her ever since.

Both men are still actively competing in the WWF.

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