| The only time I felt anything anymore was when I was slashing my skin to pieces. Afterwards collapsing on the floor sobbing. The slowly the emotions would slip from my grasp again. I was like a zombie I would just slip into this state. I would mechanically clean up the blood dress the wounds and then start cleaning the house. My parents ended up finding out and they took it surprisingly well to begin with, but then the cracks began to show again. I saw a counsellor who helped me alot, but I had to hit rock bottom first. I ceased to really exist I got really sick with a chest infection for 10 months. I have about 3 months of my life where I don't really remember much. I found myself spending hours staring into nothing. The scars got continually deeper, I had to get rushed to hospital twice in one week. I just didn't care about anything least of all myself. I dropped out of sixth form as I mucked up my coursework, in all my subjects but history which i strangely continued. I slept all the time or not at all. I was completely fucked up. I even cut all my hair off because it was just too much hassle. The turning point came when I decided I was going to give myself one last scar and it might as well be a pretty one. So I got a tattoo that is so daft and represents all I want to be. Whenever I want to cut I think of it and smile. I still want to cut. Oh God do I want to cut with the way my life is right now, but I have to remain strong. It's been such a great year since I got my tattoo, 1 year since I've spilt blood. But I think this families cursed. A month a go my sister got raped by a childhood friend of both of ours, he violated her in the worst possible way. She doesn't want to press charges, and now she's acting as if nothings happened. My entire family have turned into the Waltons and I seem to be the only ones whose angry about all this. I've never felt such hate for anyone. How could he? He's known since she was a baby, she's virtually family to him and he could do that to her!!How I don't understand. She's my baby sister and she's suffered two sexual assaults. How much more will she have to go through? She doesn't deserve this, no one does. So now I can't sleep. I have so much anger and rage boiling away, and I'm haunted about cutting myself all the time again. ARGH! Will life just never go right for my family? Haven't we gone through enough? 31st October 2003 Life for once in all respects is normal. My parents are fine, my sister is doing so much better and we can actually afford to live where we do for a change. Nothing happened to the bastard that violated my sister, in fact my parents still mention him in casual conversation about what he's been upto as though he still the nice boy next door. I found out a few months back that shortly afterwards that his girlfriend dumped him, and he got deeply involved in smack. Unfortunately she took him back even knowing about the rape because he convinced her that my sister made it all up, though that contradicts his claim he could remember nothing of that night somewhat. It's amazing he's so innocent but he daren't speak to me or even look at me if we pass in the street. Another unfortunate thing is I promised my sister that I won't push the issue with him. After he's ignored her lack of consent as well as being under the legal age, to go against her wishes...I can't do it. |
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