Prior to his persecution from the I.A.C., Artie resided in Wellsville, U.S.A., where he was the personal superhero of one Pete Wrigley. Among his exploits there were trying to see how long he could go without sleeping, helping his friend, Clark the turtle, recover from amnesia, rescuing Pete from near-doom during an intense dodgeball match, engaging in deadly battle with Rolling Thunder, Pete’s Dad’s menacing bowling ball, and more.

Artie, with his coal-black hair, black glasses, fuschia pants, and striped top, may not seem intimidating, but those in Wellsville who remember Artie remember a man known as much for his bravery and strength as well as his many quirks.

“I remember him and Pete once choreographed a lunar ballet,” says Wellsville resident Ellen Hickle. “It was beautiful in a creepy sort of way.” The only anti-Artie voices in Wellsville belonged to Michael “Endless Mike” Halstrom and the I.A.C.
“He was a weenie, just like that goon Wrigley that hung out with him,” Halstrom said.

The I.A.C. did not return the Nincompoop’s calls.

The international community, meanwhile, is still trying to deal with the ramifications of the decision.
“The appointment of Artie is the height of hubris,” said Senator Tom Daschle in a heated interview. “He has no experience in weapons inspections. This is a horrible move.”

The United Nations, in a statement, said “Superheroes have no place conducting weapons inspections. At least, not small-town superheroes. Superman would be good, though, with his x-ray vision and all. Yeah, he’d be good. Unless the Iraqis have developed chemical weapons containing kryptonite, which they may well have. We just don’t know.”

Powell said that Artie was selected for his “…extraordinary strength, speed, and intelligence. Artie will find the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.” President Bush praised the decision, saying “Artie is a true American, and that is shown from his record of helping turtles recover their memory and fighting sinister bowling balls. His talents make him eminently qualified to hunt for weapons of mass destruction.”

Pete Wrigley responded to the criticism directed at his friend in a scathing press statement reading, “The U.N. are a bunch of blowholes. So is Tom Daschle.”

Artie could not be reached for comment at press time.