First, we got a look into Jackson’s personal shopping sprees. It was like one of our own, only instead we spent millions of dollars on strange, useless artistic sculptures. Then, we got to see Michael with his lovely kids, who wear masks out in public. So, those poor children don’t know the difference between the average day and Halloween. And, the way their father’s face is, it only affirms that every day IS Halloween in Jacko’s house! After that, we met Jacko’s cute baby. Too bad we couldn’t see his face cause there was a towel over it all the time. Then, Jacko went to Germany. His fans loved him, and shouted for him to show the baby. So, then, like a kidnapping freak, he dangled the baby in a type of Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake sleeperhold over the balcony to the cheering crowd. The next day, we were plagued with headlines. Newscasts were talking all about crazy Jacko and his dangling the baby escapades. After all this jazz, the documentary turned to Jacko receiving an award from Boris Becker. Yeah, the same Boris Becker who wowed us as a teen at the 1985 Wimbledon, and now basically does nothing. After all that hooey, we finally got to delve into Michael’s life on his Neverland Ranch. We saw the rides and the children’s happy faces. It was very nice. Then, however, we met one of Michael’s child friends, and Michael admitted he allows kids to sleep in his bed with him. Now, it is somewhat understandable if we looked at it as Michael is a father figure, but of course, Bashir and his crude voice-overs just led us to our harsh, pedophilia filled thoughts. In the end, Bashir and Michael had a heart to heart talk, but by that point, we pretty much didn’t give a damn about it, realizing we had wasted two hours of our night on a documentary that only made ABC executives salivate at the ratings.

Following the broadcast of the documentary, we all thought this Michael Jackson talk was over. Far from it. Everywhere we turned, discussion of the documentary was happening. On CNN, on daytime talk shows, on nighttime talk shows, on talk shows at 3:30 A.M. Anyone and everyone was on: Elizabeth Taylor, Jermaine “Let’s Get Serious” Jackson, and LaToya “I’m even crazier than Michael” Jackson. Emmanuel Lewis, a friend of Michael’s, was asked by The Underground Nincompoop’s Jake Jarmell a day after the documentary: “Did Michael ever make you call him Mr. Poppadopoulos and then want to give you a sponge bath?” Webster, er, I mean, Emmanuel, firmly denied such crazed allegations.

With all this nonsense going on, we didn’t realize that Michael had something up his sleeve. He had had his own filmmaker filming the interview Michael had with Bashir. These shocking revelations were broadcast in a special hosted by Maury Povich, who took time off from sending teens off to boot camps or destroying people’s lives through paternity tests. The program showed that Bashir sucked up to Michael throughout the interview and what he was telling him during their talks completely contradicted what he would say in his documentary voice-overs. In the end, it didn’t matter. FOX’s special’s ratings were slim pickens in comparison to ABC’s, and after some time, Michael Jackson started to fade away in the news, probably after that whole weapons of mass destruction/war thing. Regardless, the whole ordeal earned Michael Jackson and Martin Bashir something truly unforgettable: a place together in THE HALL OF CRAP SANDWICH!