Britney first appeared in our lives in the spring of 1999 with her seedy video, “Baby One More Time…” As a Catholic schoolgirl, Britney sold sex to men like no one ever before, and immediately she was attracting attention and causing worldwide erections. Her first album sold millions, and Britney had to dodge rumors as her career rose up. There were rumors that she got breast implants. Then, she appeared on Nickelodeon without a bra on in an air conditioned room. Well, you get the drift. 13 year old boys found out about masturbation more than ever before on that night.

Britney followed her first album with “Oops…I Did It Again!” which must have symbolized her mistake in releasing a second album! Nonetheless, teeny boppers were buying the album in hordes, and Britney’s love life was steaming up. She soon couldn’t deny that she was together with another pop goofball, N’Sync’s Justin Timberlake. As fast as they thought they were in love, they broke up. And, Britney went on to bigger and better things like…

CROSSROADS! It was a cinematic masterpiece…of crap! Voted the Worst Film We’ve Ever Seen by The Underground Nincompoop, Crossroads was Britney’s first starring role and let’s hope her last. Crossroads was great. It tackled the monumental issues of virginity, road tripping, and then losing your virginity to the right guy on a road trip, which turns out to be a guy you just met a week ago. Yes, it’s love. Britney sang, “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.” So, what does that make her? Annoying!

But, 2004 seemingly cemented Britney’s place in THE HALL OF CRAP SANDWICH. She started off the year with a drunken Las Vegas wedding ceremony to friend Jason Alexander. Though he’s not George Costanza, Alexander netted Britney as his wife for 55 hours, before the “joke” was annulled. Alexander, however, took away a good amount of money for the annulment. However, he seems to be in tears over his inability to consummate the marriage within the 55 hours. Britney’s music wasn’t getting any better, either. She recorded “Me Against the Music” with Madonna, where she got “in the zone” of horrible lyrics. It only continued with “Toxic” where she was “addicted to you because you know that you’re toxic.” So deep. So very deep. No wonder Britney is so proud of her music.

Britney ended her amazing year by walking down the aisle with her back-up dancer, Kevin Federline, her second marriage of the year, this one on purpose! Federline, a father of two with a co-star from Moesha (yeah, can we get any more random?), walked down the aisle with the word “Pimp” on the back of his suit, thus confirming his devotion to this marriage. Regardless, all we know is that Britney is happy, and we can only anticipate that she’ll blow her money on her husband, on some drugs, on something real good. Yet, regardless of what’s held in Britney’s future, we know that she will have something great to remember: her Lifetime Achievement award in THE HALL OF CRAP SANDWICH!