Star Wars Episode VII: Return of the Attack of the Empire: George Lucas just isn’t happy enough with the millions he already has, so he writes a very imaginative, yet disturbing Episode VII to his Star Wars series. In it, Lucas takes a much different approach and seeks to appeal to reality TV fans as well. The film takes place in present time, and Lucas plays himself. The premise? The descendants of the Skywalker family have progressed from a galaxy far, far away to Earth, 2008. Unhappy with Lucas’ interpretation of the life of Anakin and his situation with Luke, the family, led by Darth Abdul-Jabbar and Quedo 4XQ Skywalker, unite with the current empire to destroy Lucas. But the new immigrant Skywalkers are having a tougher time killing Lucas than they thought, (damn shoddy light sabers!) so they do the only thing an American would do: sue Lucas! So, Lucas must fight his opponents both legally and physically. With guest appearances by Vanilla Ice and Gary Condit (as Lucas’ generals of his “Big Liars” Army), *NSYNC (denied in Episode II, but back again!), and Gary Coleman as Mace Windu XV, this film should be a surefire blockbuster! Some authentic, obsessed “Star Wars” fans appear in the movie in the hope that they can realize that “Star Wars” holds some reality, and that devoting their lives to it hasn’t been as pointless and as a big of a waste as everyone else thinks!

Harry Potter and the Hex of Puberty: Harry Potter returns to Hogwarts, but he and his friends have to face their biggest opponent of them all: puberty! Suddenly, Harry has the desire to have sex with practically every girl in class, and finds an ability to masturbate mentally rather than physically (thus taking the term, “Look Mom, no hands!” to a new level.) Acne starts appearing on the Potter gang’s faces and not to mention hair in those strange places. The film is expected to be a hit, and eventually shown in Health classes in the future for its positive look into puberty and abstinence as seen with the booming sound of Jermaine Stewart’s one-hit wonder classic, “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off” playing through the end credits!

American Pie 3: Jim and the gang are back to finish off the final installment of the “American Pie” trilogy. The friends are about to graduate from college, and thus be able to brag about how many girls they did it with. The only problem is they are still stuck on one! Jim still bangs the band geek when she’s in the mood, Chris can only get horny off phone sex with his overseas girlfriend, Finch screws Stifler’s mom every day, and Kevin is too focused on the offer he received to make “Rookie of the Year II.” (this time his left arm can pitch fast!) This film is filled with a chock full of humorous occurrences like Stifler eating a pile of the “Shermanator”’s shit thinking it’s salisbury steak, Jim’s genitals in a near terrible situation with a blender, and Jim’s dad begins to dress like Snoop Dogg to become “hip.” Expect teens to be flocking to the box office!