The Tale of the Tape
LeBron
vs.
Sumukh
King James sports an Adidas turtleneck in this picture. Now that he's joined Nike, could this be a weakness in his matchup with Smacks?
Smacks' shocking hair is perhaps the only thing that could lead him to victory over King James. Pure basketball talent sure won't help him!
Throughout this entire year, the name LeBron reverberated across the country. The name Sumukh reverberated absolutely nowhere. Nonetheless, we are at a crossroads. As LeBron is set to join the NBA, Sumukh has come out of retirement from the game of basketball. And, as we all know, these two are juggernauts in their own right. So, imagine if you will, these two playing one-on-one at a crowded playground (like in those T-Mac Code Red commercials) and wonder what could happen. The Underground Nincompoop has devoted this special report article (thank god it's not about Michael Jackson) to that subject and looking at "the tale of the tape."
                                  Lebron                vs.                  Sumukh
Height/Weight:              6'8", 240 LBS                                                       5'9", 160 LBS   

Nickname:                     King James                                                              Smacks                           

Jersey #:                             23                                                          7, 21 in the past. Now: 00

Trademark:                    Slam Dunk                                             The steal (if his lazy ass actually moves)
                                                                                                           or the fadeaway jumper

Career High Pts:           50...maybe more                                                            18                                   

Has been compared to: Magic Johnson when                                 Avery Johnson when he sits on the bench
                                  he's out on the floor               

His future:          Will play with the Cavs next season              Will buy a ticket to watch the Cavs next season

Money:                    $90M contract with Nike                      If offered, would sign a $90 deal with L.A. Gear

Arena Fact:                Has played at UCLA                                             Has played at the YMCA

Hair:                         Styled like Paul Pierce                            Steve Nash looks worse.                                                                                                

On the Cover:    Was on the cover of Sports Illustrated               Covered his textbooks for class junior year.
                                     his junior year                                            Doodled all over his Physics one.

His impact:    Will provide Cleveland and NBA with revenue    Will provide the Asian Indian community with a
                                                                                         famous person who isn't M. Night Shyamalan

18th B-Day Gift:             A new Hummer                                                     Columbus P.D. mace in his eyes

Throwbacks:   Improperly accepted Wes Unseld and Gale      Improperly purchased Chris Mills jersey when it
                               Sayers throwback jerseys.                                         wasn't a throwback.

Leadership:              Led his teams to state titles.                  Part of his HS Quiz Bowl teams who didn't win
                                                                                                                    any titles.

Bandages?:              Put bandages over his tattoos.                            Puts band-aids over his papercuts.

Michael Jordan:               Has talked to MJ                                 Has talked to N. Jack Doshi, a fan of MJ.

Ricky Davis:       Will help Ricky shoot for an NBA title          Will help cheer on Ricky in shooting at his own
                                        with the Cavs.                                                         hoop.

Thoughts?:           Thinks he can turn the Cavs around.         Thinks this tale of the tape comparison is turning
                                                                                        into a Mastercard ad. Is priceless coming up
                                                                                                                 anytime soon?
U.N.'s Pick: LeBron 11, Sumukh 1

Comments: LeBron's speed, agility, strength, and talent dominates Sumukh. He controls the entire match-up jumping out to a 9-0 lead. Sumukh scores his only point when a Nike representative calls LeBron over to do a quick ad. Cutting the lead to 9-1, LeBron then closes out Sumukh with a baseline jumper and then mimics Jordan's "The Shot" over Sumukh. He will even do the fist pump. But Sumukh won't do the Ehlo disgust reaction. No. He has dignity.