2003 Inductee
Nonetheless, over the summer, Bryant found himself accused of sexual assault by a 19 year old hotel employee in Colorado. After prosecutors in the now famous county of Eagle County charged Bryant, he went before the media with his wife to admit that he had committed adultery, but that the woman was consenting, and he did nothing criminally wrong. The Bryant case began to become a media circus, and live broadcasts came in of Bryant’s initial hearing, which lasted some six minutes, and was probably the biggest waste of six minutes I’ve experienced. Later on, Kobe bought his wife a $4 million ring. First off, I didn’t know $4 million rings even existed. Second of all, I’m not sure whether the ring was to show his love for her or to say “I’m sorry.” Maybe it was a combo of both, but it made me wonder, if Kobe wasn’t an NBA superstar, and white trash, we would have seen this whole incident on Jerry Springer rather than on CNN. The madness continued on as sites on the Internet attempted to put up pictures of the victim to seeing annoying cartoon links saying “SAVE KOBE.” Kobe then headed to the Teen Choice Awards, where he won the highly coveted surfboard and gave a speech in which he quoted Martin Luther King, Jr. It was powerful stuff…I guess. I don’t know. I didn’t watch it. Who watches the Teen Choice Awards anyway?
Kobe has since attempted to handle the situation to the best of his ability. He returned to the Lakers practices where he told reporters he was “terrified.” Kobe should actually be more terrified of the media…they’re the idiots that have made his case a national obsession! I was just watching ESPN’s SportsCenter and I guess Kobe’s hearing was going on. So, then they cut from whatever they were talking about to a live shot of the camera on Kobe as he came out of the courtroom for a recess. It was two seconds long. Big deal! I’ve seen Kobe before, do I really have to see him coming out of a courtroom headed towards the restroom so he can let his pee pee flow after drinking that 32 oz. Gatorade at lunchtime? It’s become quite ridiculous, but we can all learn an important lesson from this: if you’re a man and you’re a celebrity, don’t have sex at all. Hmm, that doesn’t seem right…well, don’t have sex with strange women. Or don’t rape them. Or don’t even go to hotels. Well, guilty or innocent, Kobe Bryant has already achieved a place in THE HALL OF CRAP SANDWICH before even heading to Springfield, Massachusetts. Good luck in the case, Kobe. I don’t like the Lakers, but you seem all right…too bad your news story has annoyed the hell out of all of us.
