“As far as I know, it just seemed that most of the senators did not know what to expect out of Judge Milian,” David Farraway, an intern on Capitol Hill said. “She fit the profile of maybe what the government was expecting in terms of diversity, but no one knows her views on anything. Then again, no one knows Harriet Miers’s views on anything. Then again, Harriet Miers has never been a judge. So, it does seem like Judge Milian has one-upped the actual nominee in one category!”

“We were delighted to find out that Judge Milian was on the short list, but we were saddened when we found out she was quickly crossed off that list,” said Felix Neruda, president of the National Latino Advancement League (NLAL). “It angers us as Latinos because we helped put President Bush into the White House for a second term, and he turns our back on us. He could have considered Alberto Gonzales, Judge Milian, or any other Americans of Latino background with a strong judicial resume. In the case of Judge Milian, you have a candidate with several years of experience as a judge, an attractive woman with great camera appeal, and someone who busts out Spanish colloquialisms when necessary. Isn’t that exactly what the Supreme Court needs?”

Though Milian had her supporters, it seemed that the dissenters were a stronger force. “President Bush liked Milian because she was a more mainstream and recognizable selection. She’s both Latino and a woman, which would have fulfilled two minority groups’ interests,” says The Underground Nincompoop’s legal analyst, Frida Chiapetta. “But, the President cared a great deal about his selection in relation to the Senate, and though he had support from senators from Latino-populated states, too many senators had no idea what to think about Milian. Plus, I heard that God told Bush to pick Harriet Miers.”

Judge Milian was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson for The People’s Court said that Milian was not concerned with any speculation regarding the Supreme Court, and was focused on a docket that included a Jamaican woman suing her sister over cellular phone bills, a man suing his ex over an engagement ring, and a prostitute suing a private investigator over some sort of crack deal. When asked about the status of Judge Wapner and reporter Doug Llewelyn, the spokesperson responded, “Who are they?”