It all started quite innocently. Nick and Jessica, two budding pop stars whose careers were heading upward, and music heading downward, were together. They soon broke up, but realized that their love was truly deep, and got back together again, and soon married, thus relieving all of Lachey’s pent up sexual stress of having to cope with Jessica’s decision to be a virgin up until she married. Though a respectable decision, most men in our generation who think with their genitals, would be shocked having to date someone like Jessica, but Nick managed to handle it, and walked down the aisle with the woman he loved.

With their marriage beginning, some moron decided that it would be great to have a reality series focusing on the lives of Nick and Jessica together. MTV premiered the show, and it began to earn pretty high ratings for the network, thus continuing the trend of American television audiences being complete idiots. Nonetheless, we should have realized the idiots were the ones on the boob tube. It seemed that every week, Jessica had something ridiculous to say, whether it be asking if “Chicken of the Sea” was chicken, or just whining, and playing off her “dumb blonde” image. Regardless, the show skyrocketed the duo to fame. I take that back, it skyrocketed Jessica’s career, while Nick came along for the ride. Yeah, he’s totally her bitch.

Near the end of 2004, there were rumors that the couple was ready to split. Shit, we should be so lucky! But, as far as we know, the couple are still happy together, ready to torment us into 2005.

Nonetheless, MTV is set for a new season of Newlyweds, which can only bring about more stupidity and more incessant talk about these two nuisances to our lives from the likes of Entertainment Tonight to People magazine. I don’t know if Nick or Jessica has won a Grammy award or an MTV award or even a People’s Choice award, but I think you know the award they should be proud to receive: the first married couple in THE HALL OF CRAP SANDWICH!