The New Cleveland Indians
by Ravi Shankar
In the first ever edition of the underground newspaper known as Liberty Weekly, an individual wrote about the Native Americans and their dislike of themselves being portrayed on sports logos. It is understandable that some Native Americans are offended. However, it seems so simple for professional and collegiate teams to change their names and logos (both Miami (OH) and Stanford went from being the Redskins to the Redhawks and Cardinal respectively). So, in light of the Native Americans’ hopes for change and professional team owners’ ignorance, I have assembled a compromise that would work well for our home “squadron,” the Cleveland Indians.

This proposition should be able to satisfy both sides on the issue. The word “Indians” should now refer to Asian Indians rather than the Native Americans! I’m sure it sounds strange to you, but it seems so simple and perfect once you weigh in all the factors.

First, one may ask him or herself, “Wouldn’t the Asian Indian community also be offended with the name being used to depict them just like the Native Americans are?” The surprising answer is no. Most Asian Indians are already marred with enough stereotypes that they would be so honored to receive a baseball team in their name. As long as the logo of the team does not depict an Indian with a stethoscope, or one driving a taxi, or one saying, “Thank you, come again (though everyone loves Apu),” then the community is satisfied. Not to mention also that the logo not, in any way, will make fun of any religion (no, that elephant dude won’t replace Slider as the mascot).

So, now that the Indians are the Asian Indians, what should the logo be? The choice is simple. The logo of the team will now be a cartoon drawing of the face of the great leader, Mahatma Gandhi. With Gandhi as the team logo, the Indians get a representation of peace and nonviolence that will play a huge role in the mental portions of baseball. Players will be baffled by the logos to the point that they won’t be able to hit anything, even against Chuck Finley, master of the high E.R.A.

The Cleveland Indians can keep Slider as their mascot, but also should add a guy who looks like Gandhi to dress up as him and be the second mascot. He can use his cane and do some slick dance moves with Slider on the top of the dugout. It would be a riot, and if not,at least the drunk fans will enjoy it! True, it may probably turn Gandhi into being known as both a dancing idiot and an advocate of peace, but, hey, that’s the sacrifice the Asian Indians will have to make to get their notoriety. You have to please everyone with some humor.

Rubbing his bald head for luck: priceless.