So, why did Nickelodeon make these moves? Who knows? To make their network equivalent to a huge pile of trash that might as well be known as the Amanda Bynes and Crappy Cartoon Network! I can’t explain it, but every show sucks now, and they are unwilling to put them back on the air. So, now I must take my time to reminisce about all the shows we loved. And, here we go!

First, there was The Adventures of Pete and Pete, which started out as shorts, and then turned into a TV series (one of the best ideas Nick ever made!) Yeah, we wanted to hang out with the Wrigley family in good old Wellsville. And who could forget the characters? Big Pete (who went on to a bad haircut and being the E-Trade guy…well, at least I think it was E-Trade), Little Pete (went on to All That, which was obviously a poor decision cause who knows where the hell he is at now), Ellen, Artie the Strongest Man in the World (guest starred as “The Wiz” on a Seinfeld episode), Teddy (who I e-mailed and he responded back), and all the enemies like Endless Mike. Now, I’m reading that they’re showing the show on Noggin. But, since I don’t have Noggin, I will still be angry cause I can’t see the show! Damn! It was awesome!

Now, on to Salute Your Shorts in which we all delved into the wacky world of summer camp. “Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts, but when we think about you, it makes me wanna FART! Ahh, Budnick, you crazy bastard! Anyway, what was better than Donkey Lips, the funniest fat man since the Skipper on Gilligan’s Island? And, by the way, they stole a plot line from Gilligan in the one where Donkey Lips needs to lose weight, while Sponge has to gain weight. And Budnick’s mullet…ah yes, perhaps one of the greatest television hairstyles ever! As I said, Budnick…crazy bastard! And, of course, let’s not forget Z.Z., Telly, Dina, Michael or Ronnie (you choose), and Ug, who were also along for the ride. A true classic. I cry thinking that it is over. Of course, I cry thinking that all these shows are over. Screw you, Nickelodeon!

Then, there was The Secret World of Alex Mack, which is also apparently on Noggin now, which pisses me off again because I don’t have Noggin. Why put it on Noggin? Put it on Nick, you asswipes! Anyway, pretty much every guy wanted to have sex with Alex Mack. At our ages back then, it was a rule. She was good looking, she was on TV, we wanted to bang her. What I didn’t get was why Ray didn’t get in on the action. He just wanted to be friends. It probably was because he is black. Yeah, Nickelodeon, didn’t want an interracial relationship. Those racist bastards! Same thing with Clarissa Explains it All and Sam. Except he wasn’t black…he was just a stupid ass for not pouncing on Melissa Joan.

Ahh, and The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo. Where we follow an Asian version of Sherlock Holmes. Sweet! There’s not many Asians on TV, so it was nice to see her on there proving that dumb white guy detective wrong all the time. What an idiot. How did he still keep his job when Shelby was solving all the mysteries? Then, there were her two friends as well. And, who could forget Pat Morita! Yeah, he was what cemented that show. Then, Shelby moved to Boston for no apparent reason, and then the show just faded away. It was all B.S.., and the show’s not even on Noggin or available on E-Bay or anything. Screw it.

Now, on to Kenan and Kel, the only show that is actually still shown on Nickelodeon (though Sunday early evenings, and that is it). Kenan and Kel were like Gilligan and the Skipper only with occasional Ebonics, working in a grocery store with Arvid from Head of the Class, and crazy ass plots. Like remember that one where they turn the grocery store into “DA BOMB” dance club?! What was the deal with that? And, Kenan sues the tuna fish company, and then doesn’t agree to the $1 million settlement…he wants more. What a greedy bastard. He deserved to get nothing in the end. Then, the show ended, and I haven’t seen either of them since.

Then, there were the game shows. First, What Would You Do? the show where you really didn’t win anything hosted by quirky Marc Summers. It challenged the audience and people on the street to do weird, zany stuff. Regardless, it all ended with people getting hit in the face with pies. And, I think we all agree that we wished we could sit in the pie pod or go riding down the pie coaster. Would you like some coffee and pie? Sure, I would. Then, there was Nick Arcade, which was a show that basically rewarded you for being a lazy bastard who plays video games all the time. Nonetheless, we still watched it when we easily could have been playing video games instead. It made no sense, but we were entertained. Then, the intriguingly idiotic Legends of the Hidden Temple, where the huge statue Olmec seemed more intelligent than the host. The show really wasn’t challenging on the intellectual level, but it seemed physically difficult in its own way. The craziest part was traveling through the temple, and then encountering the guards, and you needed to give them a pendant. The guards had masks on, and no shirts. Man, that’s when you know your career has gone down the tubes. You’re portraying a guard that attacks kid contestants on a game show. Man, it was nuts, but a lot of fun to watch. And, last but not least, the famed Guts and Global Guts hosted by Mike O’Malley, who has actually moved on to a solid career on the television show, Yes, Dear, which I’ve honestly never seen, and don’t plan on seeing. It was good old Mike and sideline reporter Moira “Mo” Quirk, who had an annoying British accent, but was still cool. Then, there were the “reporters” broadcasting from countries all across the world. Do you really think there would be that many world broadcasters for freaking Global Guts? It was probably just a bunch of Americans that they claimed were from other countries. Oh well. And, how did these kids from all these different countries get on this show? Were they really young athletes, determined to reach their lifelong dream of being on Global Guts? Many questions, few answers. Nonetheless, I think we all waited for the Super Aggro Crag, and wished we could be there trying it out. I think if I climbed it, the avalanche of rocks would knock me over and plummet me down to the ground. It would probably take me fifteen minutes to get up that damn thing.

Well, sadly, this nostalgic experience must come to an end. I feel sad now. I miss my childhood. Talking about Alex Mack reminded me of watch “SNICK” on summer nights in my air conditioned house. I’m near tears. But, I guess it’s on Noggin now. I’ve got to get Noggin somehow. Ah well, to hell with those fuckers at Nickelodeon. Yeah, they’re fuckers now, not bastards anymore. I wish these shows were repeated on Nickelodeon, but alas, they are not on, and I’ve got to find the money somehow to fork over for digital cable, and live a hopefully nostalgic life with pleasant viewings on Noggin. If not, then I’ll just have to remember through this article. Good day, and I’ll leave you with this: “AWWWWWW, HERE IT GOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”