Hilton’s 2004 started off with a bang. Or, rather, a videotaped bang. The now infamous sex tape with then boyfriend Rick Solomon surfaced, and Hilton’s nude nightvision body was spread across the Internet to millions of downloading perverts across the world. Somehow, most of us, after first hearing Paris speak, realized that she most likely would end up in a career in porn, but no one could have imagined in this way. Nevertheless, the sex tape proved to benefit Paris as ratings for her show, The Simple Life were strong for the FOX network. On the show, Paris proved everything that the general public expected: that’s she’s a rich, spoiled, stupid girl who hasn’t worked a day in her life and enjoyed shaking her butt to big, big savings. Well, maybe not the savings part, but she certainly throws out the cash in the name of high fashion alongside Nicole Richie, who threw out cash in the name of just being high. Nicole is the daughter of Lionel Richie, which made Paris being the daughter of a hotel chain, not seem as bad.

Hilton then relieved her sex tape fiasco by beginning to date Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, the most manly man on the face of this Earth. He’s also the blackest man. Okay, so I’m making fun of him because he’s a giant poser. Come on, this guy was not talking and dressing like that a few years ago. Regardless, Paris and Carter had several instances of PDA, to the enjoyment of the paparazzi. However, the paparazzi thrived even more when they noticed Paris had some bruises, thus leading to allegations that Carter may have physically abused Hilton. When asked about it, Carter responded in tears, thus confirming that there is no way that Carter could have physically abused Hilton because even a sickly stick like her could beat him up. Nevertheless, the memorable relationship of Paris and Nick ended.

As the year wound down, Hilton managed decent success with The Simple Life 2, also known as The Sequel to More Inane Crap. Her sister, Nicky, got married in Las Vegas. The marriage ended a few months later. Currently, Paris can be found in a commercial for text messaging with the likes of Big Boi, Snoop Dogg, the little person from Jackass, and Jeffrey Tambor. Yeah, I can’t explain it, either. To highlight her year, Paris was selected as one of the “10 Most Fascinating People of the Year” by Barbara Walters, which just exemplifies that it was the right time for Walters to retire as she has become senile. But, the true highlight of Paris’ year is this: her selection as one of the “7 Most Crap Sandwichy People of the Year.” Mmm, I can smell the crap from here! Smells like some expensive perfume…