Jarmell: So, your parents are ex-pro wrestler Kamala and current popular psychic, Miss Cleo?
Byron: Yup.
JJ: How was your childhood?
Byron: It wasn’t too bad. I lived with my Mom, Miss Cleo, most of the time. This was before she got her big break, though. So, we were living in Jamaica at the time and she used to charge people money for her to read their fortunes. She slowly began to master the tarot, and we basically lived off her earnings from that.
JJ: That must have not been much money to live on.
Byron: Well, she also dealt drugs and knew some voodoo potions, etc., so that got us a lot of money.
JJ: Voodoo potions, eh? Kind of like that Mobu chick in Weekend at Bernie’s 2?
Byron: Yeah, that’s a somewhat accurate description.
JJ: Pretty underrated movie that Weekend at Bernie’s 2, eh?
Byron: Actually that movie was terrible. I can’t believe the writers actually influenced the production company to make a sequel to the original, which was also a horrible film. Now, Office Space, there’s an underrated movie!
JJ: Yeah, two words: cult classic!
Byron: Definitely.
JJ: Well, we’re getting off the subject. Er, what about your relationship with your Dad, Kamala? Why don’t you remind our readers of who exactly Kamala was, what he looked like, etc.?
Byron: Well, Kamala was a pro wrestler in the WWF and WCW in the mid-90s. He was the big fat guy with stars on his fat boobies and a crescent moon on his beer belly. My relationship with my Dad was actually pretty good. He’d show up for my birthdays and other times when he could. He kind of started off bad in the pro wrestling game, but when I was 10, his career began to grow. He started to make a lot of money in 1992, which allowed him to get me that Neo Geo I always wanted.
JJ: Neo Geo, now there was an overrated system!
Byron: No doubt.
JJ: What about some of the highlights of your life with your Dad?
Byron: Well, when his career skyrocketed, he got me tickets to the pay-per-view events to see his matches. But, every time, he always seemed to fight the Undertaker in a Casket Match, and he’d never win.
JJ: Yeah, no one beats the Undertaker in a Casket Match.
Byron: They nicknamed my Dad “The Ugandan Giant.” It was cool for a little while, but they never allowed him to talk, and then made him look like an idiot in front of all the fans. But, it didn’t matter to him…he did it for the money to support himself and to support me.
JJ: Were you ever embarrassed that your father was a pro wrestler?
Byron: Not really. I was more embarrassed that he never went to the weight room. I mean he was a 400+lb. man and he made no attempt to slim down or lift weights. It was all fat…I don’t even know how and why the WWF hired him. He didn’t even have any skill in wrestling…he just did a belly flop on his opponents.
JJ: So, you liked your Dad, but what about your relationship with your drug-dealing, voodoo spell giving, and tarot reading mother?
Byron: It was okay. We were financially stable throughout the years, like I said, so that wasn’t the problem. But, it did suck living with her. Any day that she looked at the tarot and it seemed like a bad day for me, she wouldn’t let me go out. My junior year, I had a hot date, and she didn’t let me go cause I got the Devil card.
JJ: Youch, that must have been a rough teenage life.
Byron: It wasn’t too bad. By that time, we had moved from Jamaica to Hawaii. My mother motivated me to work hard in school, and it paid off. I got a full academic scholarship to Hawaii Pacific University where I’m majoring in Pineapple Studies. So, basically, I surf all day long while my professors talk about pineapples for half the period and then play the “Hawaii Five-O” theme song on a ukulele.
JJ: How stereotypical!
Byron: It kind of sucks, though. I accepted the full scholarship to Pacific, so I wouldn’t have to worry my Mom about financial stuff. But now her psychic phone lines are raking in more money than the eye can see. Damn, why did I turn down Princeton?!?
JJ: Eh, what the hell does it matter? The way I see it, you can surf all you want, get your Pineapple Studies degree, and then sit on your wealthy inheritance from your mother’s psychic scams. By the way, will I be seeing your mother on Fortune’s Billionaire List soon?
Byron: I don’t know about that, but maybe Bill Gates and the Sultan of Brunei should watch their bums!
JJ: Ahaha! Well, what are your two parents doing now and do they ever get together?
Byron: Well, like I said, Mom’s making her share by stealing money from innocent people who receive terrible fortune telling in return. My Dad has retired from the pro wrestling spotlight. He still participates occasionally in fun or charitable events, but he’s so financially stable that he’s just relaxing and enjoying the rest of his life. As for my parents together, they still do talk occasionally, but nothing like the romance in 1981 has occurred since. My mother is too focused on her psychic work, or lack thereof, to get involved in a relationship, and my Dad has been so typecast as Kamala that when he goes out on dates, women ask him to pat his stomach just like back in the day.
JJ: Ah yes, the famous patting of the stomach by Kamala. Then he belly flopped his opponents.
Byron: Yup.
JJ: Well, any final thoughts?
Byron: Yeah, weren’t you on an episode of Seinfeld?
JJ: Yeah, Elaine’s boyfriend. The Jujy Fruits. Ring a bell?
Byron: Oh yeah! Jujy Fruits! Hell yeah!
JJ: Anything else?
Byron: Not that I can think of.
JJ: Well, it’s been a pleasure talking to you.
Byron: Likewise. Aloha!