By Jake Jarmell
Jared: Yeah, 245 pounds to be exact, Jake.
Jarmell: That’s fascinating. What made you think that Subway would help you to lose weight?
Jared: Well, Subway was just part of the plan. I also exercised regularly, and ate other low in fat foods.
Jarmell: So, let me get this straight. You can’t lose weight if you’re a fat, lazy slob, who goes and gets footlongs at Subway three times a day and packs on a ton of mayo and cheese?
Jared: No. That is unhealthy.
Jarmell: Then that’s flagrant false advertising!
Jared: Not exactly. If you read the small, fine print in every commercial, you’ll see that all that information is there.
Jarmell: Yeah, fine print is also known as deception. Anyway, when you lost all this weight, what gave you the idea to go to Subway with this?
Jared: Well, I was very thankful to Subway for helping me to lose weight. I had noticed that their food had been very helpful through the nutritional facts they provided. I went to their headquarters to thank the president, the Italian dude that started the company, and suddenly their ad executives felt they could market me as their spokesperson.
Jarmell: Wait a minute. Nutritional facts?! Geez, man! You’re an American! No American reads the nutritional facts! Anyway, so you now landed the job as spokesperson. Continue.
Jared: Yeah, and then Subway was noticing that a few other people around the country had also lost weight due in part to Subway’s food. So, then the ad campaign just took off, and since then Subway’s business has exploded.
Jarmell: I’ve noticed that. They’re even sponsoring the NFL Halftime Shows for all those fat ass football fans out there.
Jared: Indeed.
Jarmell: So, now that we’ve made it clear that you and a few other people have scammed the rest of the country into thinking eating Subway will equal immediate weight loss, let’s get into the more personal details of Jared. I’ve been wanting to know this for a while. Since you’ve been popular, have you been getting mad poontang?
Jared: I don’t mean to brag, Jake, but it’s been freaking unbelievable. Imagine me, a hot babe, and a Subway sandwich in my hand while she’s riding me. My dreams have come true!
Jarmell: That reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. Does that mean then when you eat Subway sandwiches, you also get turned on?
Jared: Yeah, just like George Costanza, I get all hot and really into it. Cold Cut Trios are like quality porno’s for me.
Jarmell: Hmm. Let’s get off this subject now. Now, I heard through the grapevine of an episode of South Park in which you make an appearance, and it claimed you lost all your weight due to AIDS. Is this true at all?
Jared: No. Not at all. I lost my weight with Subway and exercise. South Park was just trying to be humorous. Don’t you understand humor?
Jarmell: Oh I understand it. I’m funny, don’t you think?
Jared: Yeah, you’re funny.
Jarmell: But, I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?
Jared: Get outta here, Jake!
Jarmell: Ha ha! I almost had you, you fat turn skinny bastard! Anyway, let’s get back to the interview. Wow! That was good. You also were mentioned in the most recent Austin Powers movie.
Jared: Yeah. That was a great promo for Subway. Our business is booming because of it.
Jarmell: You say “our.” How much money have you made working for Subway?
Jared: More than you can imagine, Jake. More than you can imagine.
Jarmell: Man, you’re what’s wrong with the world. You get on TV, make millions doing nothing, and get women that are in my fantasies.
Jared: Well, it’s the luck of the draw I guess.
Jarmell: Well, this whole realization of that is starting to piss me off. So, let me conclude this interview with one more question. In an unofficial and non-statistical poll done by The Underground Nincompoop, you were voted the third most annoying person in commercials behind the “Can you hear me now? Good!” asswipe and the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” jackass. How do you feel about that?
Jared: Well, I don’t have a snappy catchphrase like those guys do. But, I think that helps benefit me cause people would gladly kick their asses before they do it to me.
Jarmell: Yeah, I’ve often dreamed of beating the crap out of that guy and asking him “Can you hear me now?” and that bitch better not say “Good!” or he’d just be asking for more. But, anyway, that’s delving into my own problems with the marketing industry. Speaking of the marketing industry, it seems like Subway is fazing you out and replacing you with some other douche obsessed with eating Subway.
Jared: Yeah. Well, I’ve made millions, so it’s time for someone else to come in, but I’m still trying to pitch Jared: The Movie to production companies. It’s about my plight from fat man to success.
Jarmell: Wow, you’re really pushing your 15 minutes, don’t you think?
Jared: Well, hey, so is Andy Dick!
Jarmell: Point taken, but I like Andy Dick, but MTV Andy Dick. Not the new ABC Andy Dick. Not a wise decision, Andy. Not a wise one at all. Well, Jared, all the best to you. I hope you don’t gain your weight back again, and maybe, just maybe, you could hook me up with some of your ho’s?
Jared: Sorry, Jake. All I can hook you up with is footlong subs. So, eat up!
