Jan. 22, 1:18 A.M.- Plasti-Tak is the most useless garbage in the world. I use it and my posters fall to the floor. DeNiro in Taxi Driver has already fallen twice this year, and nobody messes with DeNiro! My resolution? Get me the person who made up this ridiculous residence hall poster rule and I will plasti-tak his ass together. But, don't worry, his ass will be fine in a month or so...when the plasti-tak just wears off and lacks the powerful stickiness it claims to have.
Jan. 23, 10:10 A.M.- So I guess it's now 30 years of this whole Roe v. Wade decision. I think most guys who are pro choice believe in it for one of a few reasons. They do believe it's a woman's choice to do what she pleases. They believe strongly in women's rights. But, in most cases, they are also looking to pick up a good looking girl, and what better place than a pro-choice rally?!?
Jan. 26, 12:03 P.M.- Last night, due to laziness, I basically survived on a dinner composed of candy. 2 bags of M & M's, a Twix bar, and a Cadbury Fruit & Nut bar throughout the night spaced over every hour or two. Then, I ended up going out near restaurants, yet didn't get anything. Strange, eh? Tough, very tough. And they call the guys playing in the Super Bowl today tough? Nah, what I did was a feat of strength...very Seinfeldian.
Jan. 27, 1:05 P.M.- I wonder why every morning when a person wakes up, their mouth feels real yucky, and they need to brush their teeth. I think if I could invent something to prevent that yucky feeling, I would be a genius. But, I figure the invention would be even pricier than those White Strips for teeth, not to mention that my product would be manipulated by the white man, and they would profit heavily from it.
Jan. 29, 12:20 A.M.- So, a couple nights ago, everyone was going nuts here cause supposedly the Olsen Twins were going to attend MU. Then, Brad, who lives on the Internet, figured out it was all a fraud. Then, suddenly the Olsen Twins were headed to OSU and OU and all these other colleges. Yet, throughout this whole ordeal, no one thought about the one most important thing: The Olsen Twins are worth $70 million! Unless they pull an MC Hammer, why the hell would they want to go to college?
P.S. If they came here, yes, I would have hit on them, and yes, they would have smacked me in the face. Or, perhaps, one of them enjoys the goofy Indian charm. Most likely not.
Jan. 30, 12:26 P.M.- I think a nap is one of the best things. And when I think about it, a lot of other great things come from the word nap. A wetnap...one of the great inventions of our time. A knapsack...where we would store our stuff. And, the big one, Napster, because they are like the Sir Isaac Newton of music "sharing." So, today, this day is devoted to the word, the condition, the thing that is "NAP"!
Jan. 31, 1:41 A.M.- A long night...studying for the Brit Lit exam. There's a girl in my Brit Lit class named Yuka. I've never talked to her nor is that really relevant to what I'm about to say. But, if she moved to the East End of London, people would pronounce her name "Yuker" due to their Cockney accent. And that pronunciation would sound like, as my Brit lit professor calls it, "the wildly popularly Midwestern card game of euchre." So, basically her name would become a card game. But, then again, maybe the British don't play euchre, so what the hell do I know anyway?
Feb. 1, 10:17 A.M.- I'm noticing that rap music seems to be using more and more Indian music in the background. It sounds good, but I can only make one conclusion about the whole ordeal: White people want to be like Black people and Black people want to be like Indian people. Thus, Indian people are the coolest and on the top of the racial hierarchy in this nation.
Feb. 11, 8:24 A.M.- Have you ever seen these ads for CDs where kids sing pop songs like "Whenever, Wherever" and "...Baby One More Time"? How is this marketable? Who wants to buy this? The songs sung by the artists themselves are bad enough, let alone hearing them in pre-teen harmony. Yet, I wouldn't be surprised if I see anytime soon: "KIDZ RAP"...kids singing gangsta rap (probably the censored version). And, then, yes, I'd probably buy it because it would amuse me.
Feb. 12, 12:39 A.M.- Today is February 12. Everyone is celebrating the 194th birthday of Abraham Lincoln. Sure, he lived in a log cabin. Sure, he was president. Sure, he freed the slaves. But, through this whole Abe Lincoln loving, we have forgotten one important thing...it is also the birthday of AJAY NAIDU, better known as Samir Nayeenanajar from Office Space! Happy Birthday, Ajay!
Feb. 13, 12:35 A.M.- Recently, a MU student's crutches were stolen from him at night by another student. At the time of the crime, the victim described the thief as a white male clad in a J. Crew t-shirt, Abercrombie & Fitch jeans, a North Face jacket, and carrying a cell phone. The police are baffled...I wonder why.
Feb. 18, 8:13 A.M.- Yesterday was President's Day. Did you know that our forefathers used to sleep lying down upright, which would mean their bodies would be positioned at 90-degree angles? Interesting, but there's an even more important fact: they all owned slaves, so they are jackasses in my book.
Feb. 21, 2:52 A.M.- The effort put towards Balki Bartokomous week has brought in results I'd like to take credit for. Perfect Strangers is now a part of Nick-at-Nite. And, a cartoon depiction of the show appeared in the 300th episode of The Simpsons. The problems? It's televised weekdays at 3:30 A.M., and The Simpsons made fun of the show with Balki dancing on a toilet. Well, at least, it's getting exposure because, hey, we know TV execs don't like immigrants on television. Why else would Margaret Cho's TV show have been cancelled?!
*- Cho is not an immigrant. Her parents were. As if you cared anyway.
Feb. 22, 2:54 P.M.- If a regular guy is labeled an "average Joe," then what is a regular woman labeled? An average Josephine?
Feb. 23, 2:48 A.M.- An interesting observation was pointed out to me by a friend. My hair's growing out longer and I'm sleeping a lot more. The symbolism behind this? It's winter time, and the sleeping is "hibernation." The hair is just a sign of a lack of care. I think the answer can only point to one direction: I am slowly turning into a grizzly bear.
Feb. 24, 10:35 A.M.- Did you ever think that underneath that Indiana Jones-type hat and the cape she wore that Carmen Sandiego was really hot? I mean, she's a cartoon and all, but I still thought so.
Feb. 25, 7:34 A.M.- I think the only English that Yao Ming can speak is "Yao," "Hello," "Shaq," and "Can I write a check?" But, he doesn't need language, it's pretty simple to see that he has a smile of gold, and, boy, can he play that game called basketball!
Feb. 26, 12:42 A.M.- If orange juice is shortened down to the nickname of "O.J." then why isn't apple juice given the nickname "A.J."? Sure, I guess you could retaliate that grape juice should then be "G.J." but no one goes by the initials "G.J." People go by the initials "A.J." and that's what makes the idea of apple juice having such a nickname so logical. I guess it is one of those unexplained mysteries in our world, so just think about it the next time you pick up a bottle of A.J....er, I mean, apple juice.
Feb. 28, 3:23 A.M.- I went into the Shrive, and saw that they sold "magnetic ransom letters" in the bookstore. Wow, it's great to see that they are selling an overpriced novelty item whose only point seems to insinuate that at least one out of the 16,000 students here will be inspired to kidnap someone of great status. And, to think, it all started with magnetic letters to adorn the fridge. By, the way, our fridge sucks.
Mar. 1, 1:40 P.M.- If you're feeling down, just think about French Stewart. Not because his annoying, quirky humor will make you feel better, but because he's set to appear in Inspector Gadget 2. No one's career has been flushed down the toilet worse than perhaps his currently. So, at least look at it from this perspective: you're not French Stewart.
Mar. 2, 2:46 P.M.- In our society, formality is put before comfort. One day, I will own a business where my employees can come to work in their pajamas or in sweat pants because that's what is comfortable, regardless of if it is frowned upon by society. If a person comes to a job interview in a suit, they will not be considered for the job right on the spot. This is my goal. And, that, my friends, will be the fashion version of affirmative action.
Mar. 18, 12:22 A.M.- Spring Break is over with, and everyone seems to want to show off their tans or talk about their tans. Well, all I have to say is, I'm tan year round, baby! So, deal with that!
Mar. 19, 1:10 A.M.- I watched George W. Bush's speech when he gave Saddam "the ultimatum." The only thing I could think of throughout the whole speech was that it reminded me of that Nickelodeon game show, Legends of the Hidden Temple. For 13 minutes, Bush was like Olmec: a huge statue of a head whose mouth just kept on moving.
Mar. 25, 12:38 A.M.- America has a bunch of Chinatown's. Why doesn't China have any America Town's? I mean, sure, not many Americans live in China, but, hey, we're the same country who decided on freedom fries. Why not just demand to establish America Town's across the world?!
Mar. 26, 12:45 A.M.- I always wonder what life would be like if any time a person walked into a room, a song would play. It could be their favorite song or a song that they exemplified. If I had the choice, I'd want to enter with Razor Ramon's theme song in the background. It's just funny sounding, and then people would equate me with "machismo" or being "the bad guy." Either that song or "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)." Yeah, pina colada...
Mar. 27, 1:34 A.M.- I realized if you scramble the letters in the last name "Gund," you can get the word "dung." Which makes me realize that the team that plays in Gund Arena reminds me very much of dung.
Mar. 31, 12:20 A.M.- I think we all agree, or at least I think that the buttocks is the funniest thing in our world today. It's just funny looking, and poop comes out of it, which is also funny. So, today is devoted to the buttocks! Speaking of which, Dave Matthews' concert is tonight. How ironic.
Apr. 1, 5:58 A.M.- 50 Cent tickets go on sale today and they are only $10. It makes no sense. John Mayer tickets were $33, and Dave Matthews tickets were $50. I guess ticket prices correlate with how big of a douche you are.
Apr. 2, 10:44 A.M.- I'll support this war going on on one condition. If George W. Bush speaks to the nation, and tells them that the theme song for "Operation Iraqi Freedom" is "I Am a Real American." That's right, Hulk Hogan's entrance music.
*- Special thanks to Ryan Jones for downloading Hulk Hogan music.
Apr. 3, 3:24 P.M.- I feel bad, yet am amused by bearded men who work at the cafeteria. They are forced to put on hairnets due to their beards and thus have hairnet beards. I feel even worse for bearded women who work at the cafeteria. They could be doing so much more with their lives at the circus.
Apr. 7, 12:31 A.M.- If you hear a Jamaican person or I guess any person from another country saying "push it," it sounds like they're saying "poo shit." Kinda crazy.
*- Download "Sweat (a la la long)" by Inner Circle to understand the meaning behind this Smachronism.
Apr. 8, 12:40 A.M.- I have to devote today into rejoicing my NCAA victory. 2 years in a row of picking the national champion. When people looked at brackets, no one thought of Syracuse, but alas, I did. Too bad I didn't think of the entire rest of the Final Four, or maybe I would actually have some money in my pocket.
Apr. 10, 1:08 A.M.- I watched the Saddam statue fall live. It was an interesting experience. I hope those Iraqis take the statue and sell it on E-Bay. That can earn them a lot of money.
Apr. 11, 1:06 P.M.- Why doesn't Tara Reid just become a porn star? She's terrible at acting, and, let's face it, the only reason guys watch her movies is in the hope that she'll get naked.
Apr. 14, 4:05 A.M.- Why is it that if a hot guy pursues a girl it's called flirting, but if an ugly guy does the same thing, it's called stalking?
Apr. 16, 1:38 A.M.- If milk had alcohol in it, I'd be a drunk.
Apr. 17, 12:31 A.M.- It's a good thing I don't have a friend named Fredo. Otherwise, every time I would see him, I would have to grab him by the neck and move his ear close to my mouth, and whisper to him, "I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart." It would just be an impulse.
Apr. 23, 3:45 A.M.- The bad thing about being up from 3 A.M. to 6 A.M. is that you look at your buddy list and see a huge line of away messages next to everyone’s name, and you just sit there and wonder why you’re active. I guess you could put up an away message, but what’s the point? No one else is going to see it anyway.
Apr. 27, 1:14 A.M.- Why do all these people say "I'm not gonna lie to you"? Should I be expecting what every person says to me to be a lie? It is easily the most useless and overused statement out there today.
Apr. 28, 4:30 P.M.- It's pretty bad when you start trying to figure out how badly you can fail an exam for a course that you hate, yet still keep a decent grade in it overall, but, alas, welcome to my world!
Apr. 29, 6:54 A.M.- I leave for home on Thursday. Period. I have no countdown. Thank you.
Aug. 26, 7:33 A.M.- The first day of class is like the first day stranded on a desert island. You're confused, you figure things out, and the day itself is quite easy. Then, you realize, there's a ton of more days ahead, and if you don't actually do something, you're screwed. (I know this one wasn't that funny and must have reminded you of something Dennis Miller would say)
Aug. 27, 8:18 A.M.- I don't really understand bald guys who use toupees. Isn't there any Bald Pride out there? It's not as if black people are so ashamed of who they are that they go out daily putting on globs of white make-up to try and convince the rest of the world they're not who they are when it's so obvious they're faking it and everyone else knows who they are anyway. It's useless, so just be happy with baldness. By the way, I'm not bald...yet.
Sep. 4, 11:30 A.M.- R. Kelly named his most recent album, "Chocolate Factory." When you think about it, the Chocolate Factory was where Willy Wonka led kids to their greedy doom. In R. Kelly's case, it must be where he leads kids to having sex with him.
Sep. 5, 12:24 A.M.- Trying to go more in-depth into discovering the root of my name for Theatre class, I used a search engine. And here's what turned up: Click Here. It's a Smachronism in itself.
Sep. 9, 10:38 P.M.- It's a strange day when one of your professors pours his bottle of Diet Pepsi over his head cause he thinks your name is John, you act like a gay man who only says "zucchini," then the lights go out, and you blow a 14-9 lead with 34 seconds left to the Steelers in Madden 2004. All this after a day when your toe gets bitten by some weird black insect. But, yeah, that was today. Just a regular Tuesday.
Sep. 17, 8:44 A.M.- Playboy has announced that they are pursuing Wal-Mart employees to appear as centerfolds in an issue. Has anyone at Playboy ever seen a Wal-Mart employee? I'm sure the magazine's subscribers will love to see Dorothy, the 73 year old woman who handed them their cart when they walked in, naked.
Sep. 19, 9:45 A.M.- Here's a T-shirt for everybody. On the front, it says FUCK THE FRATS. On the back, it says, GEEK WEEK 2003. That's right...I now proclaim this GEEK WEEK 2003 out of complete annoyance of those other T-shirts with dumb slogans floating around.
Sep. 22, 12:29 A.M.- I don't really understand these beauty pageants, particularly Miss America. The contestants go on stage and talk about what they'll do as Miss America, and how the position will help them change the world. Has any Miss America done anything productive during their reign in the entire history of that competition? Did Miss America 1963 kill Kennedy? Will Miss America 2004 head the peace plans between Israel and Palestine? Am I asking too many questions about a silly, superficial contest? Maybe, or am I on to something...yes, Jacquelyn Mayer did kill Kennedy! And, yeah, what's really sad is I checked a search engine to find out who was Miss America 1963...hopefully, for her sake, she's not related to John Mayer.
Oct. 1, 7:20 A.M.- My roommate occasionally will tell me the great things that are involved in being a part of ROTC, and will ask me if I want to join. The only reason I would is because everyone refers to each other by their last name, so I would personally find it amusing to force all these white people to pronounce my last name.
Oct. 2, 12:17 A.M.- In this day and age in which a bunch of various companies and products use songs to advertise, I was thinking Viagra should start having commercials featuring Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine."
Oct. 3, 9:40 A.M.- So, I signed up for Dictionary.com's "Word of the Day" e-mails yesterday, and, strangely enough, the first word that I was sent was "venal." I think they forgot sick in front of it, but Travis Bickle couldn't have said it any better.
Oct. 6, 2:44 P.M.- Why do restaurants give you a smaller, plastic cup or a styrofoam cup or just a crappy cup in general when you order water? Just because you're not paying for it means you can't get a cup with their logo on it, thus forcing you to be an outcast because you drink water rather than paying a $1.19 for an unhealthy carbonated beverage? Hmm, the whole thing just smells of discrimination.
Oct. 7, 4:19 P.M.- I don't know who's in charge of these message boards in Razor Ramon Hall. You go to one end of the hall and it has information on Mahatma Gandhi. You go to the other end and it talks about condoms. I don't understand how these two subjects seemingly got picked at the same time.
Oct. 8, 3:34 P.M.- Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Period.
Oct. 13, 10:47 A.M.- I question a lot of things. Yesterday, as I was thinking about Michael Moore films, I then started thinking about welfare, and then wondering if prostitutes were on welfare. Then, I thought of an even bigger question. How do prostitutes file their taxes? I still haven't figured that one out.
Oct. 14, 7:33 A.M.- You know who was one of the luckiest people in the world? Whoever made up the idea for the Where's Waldo? books. They took an idea that wasn't too difficult, didn't write a single word, and made millions off of it.
Oct. 23, 1:09 A.M.- I overheard a girl talking about how her graduation gift from her parents would either be a car or spring break, and she's choosing the car. That's Miami for you. You want to know what my graduation gift will be? My parents' pride and the harsh realization that I have no clue what the hell I'm going to do with my degree.
Oct. 24, 3:33 P.M.- You know how rock bands have groupies? Do female rock stars/musical performers have male groupies? If so, how can I get in on that?
Oct. 29, 8:06 A.M.- You know I'm not much of a fashionable guy nor am I some awesome mathematician, but here's an equation for everybody:
Straight Guy + Pink Dress Shirt = You're an Idiot, Man
I guess we're living in a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy world. And, to everyone who tells me to watch South Park, yeah, I watched that episode. Believe me, it was a rare occasion.
Oct. 30, 1:24 A.M.- I was watching TV and a KFC commercial was on and I realized Greg Pitts, who played Drew in Office Space, was in it. And, all I could think to myself was that he was about ready to say: "If things go well, I might be showing that bucket of chicken my O face. Ohh! Ohh! You know what I'm talking about. Ohh." The bad thing is that line will live on forever in that poor bastard's life...he'll never get a decent acting gig again without that being brought up.
Oct. 31, 10:20 A.M.- I remember when I used to think monsters would hide under beds or tables or behind chairs. But, nowadays, it's our dirty ass, unvacuumed carpet that does that job.
Nov. 1, 11:29 A.M.- Why do people take a drink of water after going to the restroom? Did pooping or peeing exert so much energy that near dehydration occurred? Or do people just want to have a drink after peeing, and thus start the cycle for their next urination again? It seems like some sort of sick, water loving ritual that I won't fall for...usually.
Nov. 2, 10:57 A.M.- NBC is starting a new reality series, Average Joe, and finally a person of the brown skin color is on one of these reality shows...too bad it's the one that makes fun of fat guys and nerds. On the outside, the guy doesn't look like there's anything wrong with him, which makes me believe NBC picked him because of his skin color, thus assuming that people of the brown race are unattractive which is simply just sick, venal. That's why, as of yesterday, a ban has been put on NBC. Join me in this fight cause, hey, their shows suck anyway...not like you're going to miss out on anything.
Nov. 11, 1:16 P.M.- It seems like they're slapping the word "matrix" on everything now like the new ABC show, Threat Matrix. I think it got to a real low point when I noticed a commercial for Matrix Direct Insurance. Yeah, now eleven year old nerds think they can call these guys up and get Neo to save their ass from the bully who picks on them during recess.
Nov. 12, 1:02 P.M.- I get this real bad feeling that all the people that dress up as clowns for a living aren't really happy. I mean, they get paid shit, have to dress up in a silly costume, act/entertain like they're happy, and probably have to deal with 95% of the kids being disrespectful. So, this day is devoted to the clown...the best actors on the face of this Earth, controlling themselves from possibly killing several people. You may also sing "Send in the Clowns" since, you know, it's clown day, and, if, you know, you like the song.
Nov. 14, 9:14 A.M.- If you downloaded the Paris Hilton sex tape and want an excuse as to why, just blame Conan O'Brien. The first 15 minutes of his show last night were pretty much about that, and Max Weinberg even sang a song about it. So, just blame your curiosity on their brainwashing, cause, you know, we all do whatever Conan and Max tell us.
Nov. 15, 12:02 P.M.- Who are the ad executives in charge of Radio Shack? I just imagine five years ago, they are all sitting down at a large table thinking of who could be the perfect spokesperson for their store. And, somehow, they come up with Howie Long. Yes, it makes so much sense...let's grab a Hall of Fame jock to advertise for the nerdiest store in America.
Nov. 17, 2:31 P.M.- Have you ever seen some of these anti-drug commercials? Like the one where the mom asks her kid who he's hanging out with, and he's got a long ponytail and baggy jeans, so we just stereotype him as a drug user. I mean, just cause the kid tells his mom who he's hanging out with, it's not as if he's not going to smoke up. And then there's "The Enforcer," the mom who controls her son from drug use. At one point in the ad, she tells him he can't use the phone because he smoked weed. Can't use the phone?? That's your punishment for smoking weed? Yeah, some enforcer...and then the kid helps his mom with the groceries. How nice. These ads are so inspiring...I think I'm going to go shoot up some heroin now...you know, Jack Bauer style.
Dec. 1, 8:06 A.M.- Why is it that prostitute characters in movies are so much better looking than in real life? That seems unfair to project. Same thing with lesbians in movies. It's just not right...not right at all.
Dec. 3, 11:28 P.M.- My roommate is all happy that he went to the grocery store and got Ramen noodles at the price of 8/$1.00. Everybody eats Ramen, but don't you kind of wonder how they make a profit at 12.5 cents per package? It kind of makes me think there's something they're not telling us about those noodles.
Dec. 6, 9:22 A.M.- McDonald's ads now have a nice little rhythm saying "I'm Lovin' It." Lovin' what? Stealing the African-American sound and posing in the worst possible ways as a source of Black pride? What a sad display of trying to equate one's self with whatever's cool out there now. I mean, what's next? Grimace comes out of the closet, and starts picking out clothes for Ronald and McBurglar? Yeah, I'm not lovin' posers.
Jan. 12, 8:17 A.M.- Have you noticed three of the four horrible, joke auditions in the American Idol ads are of unstyled Asian men with no singing talent? Thanks again, FOX. First, you cancel all your Hispanic casted shows, now this. You're really helping out the brown man.
Jan. 14, 10:53 P.M.- I hope, for his sake, that I never run into John Stamos on the street. Otherwise, I'll rain blows upon poor Uncle Jesse for even uttering the numbers, "10-10-987."
Jan. 17, 10:07 A.M.- People are so open about talking about sex, but they aren't about taking a poop. They are both biological activities, so something just doesn't seem right about that.
Jan. 23, 2:14 P.M.- A requirement in most of the meals eaten by Asian people is rice, thus, Asian people cannot go on the Atkins diet.
Jan. 27, 8:46 A.M.- There are three words that many people can identify themselves as today that really don't mean much anymore: "GRAMMY AWARD WINNER."
Jan. 28, 9:37 A.M.- They teach classes in film in genres as well, like Science Fiction film. But, what if one day, colleges start teaching classes on Pornographic Film? It'll probably be taught by fat, lonely middle aged men with no lives. Strangely enough, that fits the same profile of who probably teaches Science Fiction film.
Jan. 31, 12:52 P.M.- If actors were performing nude on the stage, and then someone yelled "Fire!" in the theatre, boy, would it be a problem for those actors.
Feb. 1, 8:12 A.M.- Don't even bring the groundhog out tomorrow. I can check the icebox that is my car and realize there's six more weeks of winter.
Feb. 3, 1:48 A.M.- Have you ever seen these ads that say that you could become the owner of a state-of-the-art video rental machine that will have you raking in big bucks? What the hell is this idea? What lazy ass would choose to go rent a video from your stupid ass machine than drive five more minutes to their local Blockbuster? Yeah, real big bucks.
Feb. 10, 2:00 A.M.- If life gives you lemons, then wonder who the lucky bastard that got the oranges is.
Feb. 11, 12:42 A.M.- There are some things about Razor Ramon Hall that I just wonder about. Like in the basement, one of the restrooms reads WOMEN on it. Pretty simple. But, then underneath that it says "Women Allowed Only." As if the sign saying WOMEN on the door wasn't clear enough.
Feb. 24, 12:12 A.M.- I remember when I was in elementary school the song "Finally" by Cece Peniston was big. The song was fine, but I kept chuckling whenever I'd see her name because the word penis was in it. Let alone ton after that. Yep, ton of penis topping the Billboard charts.
Feb. 25, 12:28 A.M.- If you think about it, we would be a lot better off if our world were a nudist society. For example, you wouldn't have to get up in the morning and decide what to wear, and there would be a lot more comfort with the naked body, but, most importantly, we wouldn't have to see Joan Rivers on TV anymore.
Feb. 26, 10:02 A.M.- Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, and the evil side of me was saying I should go up to people, and, like a real jerk, say, "There's something on your forehead." But, I realized that really wasn't right. I mean, come on, it's not like I've had to deal with ignorant people asking me questions about dots on foreheads.
Feb. 27, 8:22 A.M.- Do you ever get stuck behind people who walk extremely slow? You're just walking along, and then suddenly your pace drastically slows down, and you're right on these people's asses. Then, if it's a few people you can manage that embarrassing feeling of walking around them, but if it's a huge group you find yourself trying to find some way to get around them. It's these type of people that make me wonder if even pedestrian minimum speed signs will be necessary in the future.
Feb. 28, 10:41 A.M.- Seems like everybody has "I'm Rick James, bitch!" in their profile. Come on now, we all know "Piss On You" was much more revolutionary in the world of satirizing musical figures who have found themselves in strange occurrences.
Mar. 2, 1:10 P.M.- The Kennedys are a messed up family. Consider this: I was reading about Marlene Dietrich, and apparenlty she enjoyed bragging about how she slept with three Kennedys including Joseph Kennedy and JFK. Now, what the hell was JFK thinking? Wouldn't it be amazingly weird to have sex with someone your Dad did as well?
Mar. 7, 9:53 A.M.- Don't think that a movie that you thought was really funny in elementary school will still be really funny when you're in college (Police Academy 3, for example).
Mar. 8, 2:58 P.M.- I saw the end of a Full House episode yesterday, and Bob Saget was telling Stephanie that she was a sore loser with the way she handled finishing second in the spelling bee to Danny Wu. The main point is that no matter how good you are at something, there is probably someone out there better than you, and also that person is probably Asian.
Mar. 9, 10:31 A.M.- Click on the link below to the website. You don't have to click on a number, and my army won't grow!
Mar. 22, 9:11 A.M.- SPRING BREAK WAS REALLY REALLY...normal.
Mar. 23, 9:01 A.M.- If you're ever sitting in a doctor's office, don't you have the urge to just poke the person next to you and ask, "So, why are you here?"
Mar. 24, 8:05 A.M.- If you're ever sitting in a brothel, don't you have the urge to just poke the person next to you and ask, "So, why are you here?"
Mar. 25, 12:44 A.M.- Why were quilted paper towels invented? Do I really want to pay 10 cents more for paper with drawings on it that are just going to get dirty and thrown away anyway?
Apr. 1, 9:28 A.M.- It's come to a point now where Christina Aguilera just scares me. How can I find a person who changes the way she looks every five minutes remotely attractive? It's too damn confusing. She's like a chameleon.
Apr. 5, 1:21 A.M.- ( part of I Love the 1980s Week) I keep seeing the phone number "867-5309" in commercials or people just joking around saying that it's their number. But, frankly, it's not funny unless your name is Jenny. Even then, it's still not that funny.
Apr. 6, 12:17 A.M.- ( part of I Love the 1980s Week) Wouldn't you want to see some company make popcorn balls in the design of The Terminator's skull? It would seem like a creative, tasty treat.
Apr. 8, 1:12 A.M.- ( part of I Love the 1980s Week) TV shows like DIFF'RENT STROKES and WEBSTER were amazingly realistic because they focused on the trend of white people adopting black kids with height deficiencies.
Apr. 9, 3:12 P.M.- ( part of I Love the 1980s Week) If a shitty car like the AMC DeLorean could take us back in time, imagine what a Yugo could do.
Apr. 10, 2:21 P.M.- ( part of I Love the 1980s Week) "I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for." Hmm, sounds like REO Speedwagon singing about most of the wars that exist today.
Apr. 12, 9:09 A.M.- Here's a surefire way to get laughs: Mention L. Ron Hubbard's name in any conversation you have.
Apr. 15, 9:11 A.M.- Usher recently admitted he is a sex addict. I wonder how exactly that works. Is it like needing a cup of coffee every morning? He needs sex every morning? And, does that mean he just can't function without it, and that he's willing to have sex with anything in sight to crave his addiction? I really can't explain it, but this crazy sex fiend is selling a lot of albums.
Apr. 17, 1:58 P.M.- On a commercial on Lifetime: Television for Women, they are advertising a day of movies entitled "Infidelity Sunday." Such a great subject to devote an entire day to. This is why Lifetime is such gripping, high rated programming.
Apr. 20, 12:33 A.M.- There are many nerdy things in the world, but it wasn't until I walked down an aisle at Wal-Mart that I found the newest, nerdiest item that will leave losers salivating: The Lord of the Rings version of "Risk."
Apr. 21, 9:21 A.M.- I was trying to buy a new razor, and I was standing in the aisle for at least 5 minutes trying to decide whether I should get the Mach 3 or the Mach 3 Turbo for 24 cents more, simply because the Turbo was a cool, red and black color. I felt like I was 5 years old again.
Apr. 26, 9:02 A.M.- Did you ever want to be a bus driver just so you could wave at your fellow bus drivers when they drive by you?
Apr. 28, 8:55 A.M.- AOL's Today's top news story is "White Power found in Bill Clinton's mail." Curious as to the idea our former president could be receiving racist pamphlets, I clicked on the link, only to find out, "White Powder found in Bill Clinton's mail." A much bigger difference.
Apr. 29, 1:39 P.M.- I have never quoted anybody in my profile because either no one says anything funny to me, nobody else would understand the inside joke that is said, or I've run out of room for text in my profile. So, in other words: "Only I may dance." -- Conan O' Brien on The Simpsons.
May 3, 4:40 P.M.- Sick of reading "J/K" and "BRB," I went on the Internet to see a list of AIM acronyms. A few disturbed me, such as "COTFLGUOAHAHA": Who the hell would type that long of an acronym? Then, there was B5 for Babylon 5. Yes, that horrible sci-fi TV show... I don't know how that would even be brought up in an AIM convo.
Sep. 13, 9:04 A.M.- Don't you think Jerry Springer just recycles some of his "Final Thoughts"? Like he takes a show from 1996 and substitutes "hooker" with "slut," and just uses the same speech in 2004. Why even say this "final thought"? To give a moral ending
to his show? Does anyone who is on or watch his show know what a moral is?
Sep. 15, 9:51 A.M.- In Gone in 60 Seconds, Angelina Jolie asks, "What's more exciting: stealing a car or having sex?" For actor Gary Coleman, it would be stealing a car since that is the only one of the two that he's probably done.
Sep. 22, 10:12 A.M.- As a child, I always wanted to visit all of the 50 United States. Then, I saw a documentary on Mississippi.
Sep. 26, 3:16 P.M.- What genius decided that reporters should go out and give news during hurricanes? I think I can trust you that winds are 100 MPH. I don't need to see someone who I can barely hear getting whipped around like a rag doll and pelted by rain to get the point.
Sep. 29, 10:31 A.M.- Don't you love people whose away messages are just traps for you to IM them? Away messages like, "This has been the best day of my life!" or "I'm still stuck at home. I am so mad." make you basically have to IM said people and find out what happened. I don't know if it's sick, venal, but it's something.
Oct. 1, 10:47 A.M.- No one can "win" a debate. It's not like a football game. There's no definitive answer. So, pundits sit around blabbing about who won, when, frankly, it really doesn't matter. What matters is who wins the election, then, technically, that person wins all the debates. It's not as if, well, Poopy won all the debates, but Peepee won the election. Then again, this is the Bush administration, which has managed to defy all logic.
Oct. 4, 10:09 A.M.- Coke's C2, with its 1/2 the carbs and 1/2 the calories of normal Coke, allows you to "break free." The Bush administration has announced today that C2 is now the official beverage of Iraq, and millions of ounces of the drink will be shipped over there since no American wants to drink it, and the country must "break free."
Oct. 13, 11:25 A.M.- Rather than actually reading, it is really effective to just skim over a text by reading whatever the person who owned your used book before underlined or highlighted.
Oct. 19, 1:18 P.M.- I want to see Ashton Kutcher "punk" Eminem or 50 Cent. In other words, I want to see Ashton Kutcher on crutches.
Oct. 24, 10:36 P.M.- The Rolling Stones said "You Can't Always Get What You Want." Unless all you want is to touch yourself, and, in that case, you can always get what you want...unless you have no hands.
Oct. 27, 9:03 P.M.- I agree with the people that say nudity in films is gratuitous, and only should be done if it means something. Such an example is Wild Things in which the threesome scene was VERY NECESSARY, and the nudity in it provided great depth to the film.
Oct. 31, 10:20 P.M.- Stupid perceptions would have us believe that women who are feminists must be lesbians, and that the only men who believe in feminist principles are gay. Thus, no heterosexual can be a feminist.