NP: Why hello Mr. Tilton, it is both an honor and pleasure to be in your presence this evening.
RT: Thank you Nick, but that’s only because when you’re in my presence, you’re in the presence of the Lord who speaks through me.
NP: Yeah…does he live in you too?
RT: Yes.
NP: In front or in back?
RT: You frontin’?
NP: I’m just a pop-a-lackin’, a crack-a-lackin’ fa’ shizzle dizzle!
RT: (Farts)…Praise God!
NP: Hallelujah!
RT: For just fifty dollars a week the Lord can live in you too you know?
NP: Really? RT: Yes! ... (Farts) I smell the bread of life within this very room as we speak!
NP: So let’s get to the interview. Why are you decided to go back into the ministry after your corrupt lifestyle has caused so many people to hate you?
RT: I’m just…Wiiiild enough to do what God said that’s why! ... (Farts) Results happen!
NP: I can sense your excitement. I don’t know what it is, but something about you I just like but I can’t seem to get it out of my system. Can you help me?
RT: Well of course I can new believer, all you need is to take that first step of faith, for your new … (Farts), that was prophetic! That was the Lord speaking through me!
NP: My new what?
RT: Here I’ll show you. What I want you to do first is take out your wallet and then hand it to me.
NP: OK!
RT: Now I want you to sit back and relax. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and let out a soft hum.
NP: Hummmm … (Farts).
RT: YOU DID IT!
NP: I DID IT?
RT: Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah! (Farts), (Farts), and (Farts) once more.
NP: Does this mean I get into heaven?
RT: You can only get into heaven if your family members and your loved ones send a large portion of their income to my new ministry. WHOA! It’s like the strangest feeling just went through me … (Farts) Praise God!
NP: For some reason I feel a lot better, thank you! Now lets’ continue with the interview by reflecting on your dark and dirty, dirty, dirty past.
RT: How about we retract from this past, and reach our arms out and sing a new song for Jesus! (Farts)
NP: Are you referring to this new pyramid scheme people were accusing you of doing?
RT: Umm, what pyramid scheme? Brother, I do not know what you are talking about. I have nothing to do with a scheme to take over the world as the anti-Christ and taint the true meaning of Christianity as people know it. I had NO plans on giving people false hopes for the future, NO plans of creating my own whore house, and NO immediate plans of molesting little boys on a regular basis. Where do you get this? In the name of Jesus I cast this demon out of you Mr. Park! Satan leave Mr. Park now! I cut you to pieces in the name of Jesus! Ohnda bah shaba ma hat tu tu!
NP: …
RT: …
NP …
RT: … (Farts)
NP: I think this concludes our … (Farts) interview.