I don't want to be Vilandra. I hate that I ever was her. I hate that she betrayed her family, her race, her planet. And for what? A man. ..well, alien. I hate that Lonnie and I share this. Except that she embraces Vilandra's spirit. She stood by and watched as her lover killed her brother. And then she tried to kill my brother! How could something like that exist in me? It scares me that she's a part of me. Everybody tries to convince me that I'm not Vilandra, but Isabel. And I would never hurt the people I love. Then tell me why, I always seem to hurt the people I love. I could have loved Grant, but he's dead now. Because of me, because I couldn't help him. That's why I can't be with Alex. I'd die if I ever hurt him. So I pretend not to care so much, but I do. I have to shove the thoughts of my past mistakesinto the back of my mind, just to make it through each day without going insane. What scares me most is when I start to feel numb, because that's when I feel her the most, Vilandra.

That's what I am, or rather what Vilandra is. She is the archive of our failure. She's why we died. Because she had to be with Khivar and Nicholas and Rath. She probably would've been with Zan too, had it not been for the bond that he had with Ava. God, the disgust I feel at knowing that I was once her and that part of her exists in me. I don't want to cause anymore pain. As long as I stay in control. As long as I remember who I am. I'm Isabel Evans, sister of Max Evans, daughter of Phillip and Diane Evans. I'm Isabel Evans, friend of Michael Guerin, Tess Harding, Liz Parker, Maria DeLuca, Kyle Valenti, and Alex Whitman. I'm Isabel Evans, killer of Senator Whittaker. Stop it! But I'm also Vilandra, sister of Zan, friend of Ava, and lover of Rath, Khivar, Nicholas, and who knows how many others. Vilandra, destroyer of a kingdom. Vilandra, traitorous murderer of her brother, sister-in-law, husband, and self. I think I- -Vilandra really was insane. Which seems to be the direction I'm headed in. Maybe that's why we did what we did. Omigod, I just said we. I can't believe that Vilandra's that big a part of me or I'll definitely lose. That's it, I have to stop referring to her as if she were a person. Control. I've got to be in control.

I can't ever let anyone else get close to me again. I really have to be the 'Ice Princess.' I just hope that the others understand. I'd rather suffer in this anguish than hurt anyone else that I love. So, I'll just pretend that I'm dealing just fine with everything. I'm good at performing. I guess I get that from her, too. Just as long as no one sees through. And as long as I don't succumb to the numbness.

The End