This is a reprint of the entries Lula put in her blog. We are still in the process of editing the text to make it easier to read

Life's Little Problems

I try to wait on someone at work and some older dude in his thirties thinks he is Romeo or God's gift to women and keep saying that I'm cute, what's my name, how old am I, and all that shit. I only want to get him what he wants and get him out of there. Then he gets angry because I didn't smile and yells at me that he's going to file a complaint and get me fired.

A drunk tries to steal a bottle of wine. What am I supposed to do -- get my head beat in?

Damn computerized cash registers don't always read the swipe of a card and I have to type all those numbers in by hand.

They insist I type in date of birth from id or license whenever anyone, and they mean even old people, buy beer. The older people bitch and groan at me like I'm a fool unable to see they're way past 21 and they forgot their id.

People constantly try to confuse me or talk to me while I make change.

Stand in the cooler and load the gallon jugs of milk and other shit until my nose and ears tingle with pain.

When I'm busy with a line at the counter someone bitches because something isn't stocked on the shelf.

When younger kids come in and act all goofy the manager scolds me because I know them.

I think back just a year or so before I turned 18 and think of how nice it was yet I thought I had so many problems. I didn't know what problems were back then.

Inner Frustration

Maybe I've been more bitter than I should be. More belligerent than I ought be. Polemic sweat oozes from my pores and hot bitter breath like a dragon scorches my tongue making it lash with poisonous pugnacious jabs. Smoke from my ears and beams of fire in my eyes. When really I just want to cry and cry.

I should be so sweet and honey spewing with words oh so saccharin and dyed your favorite colors so bright as a butterfly's wings. Yet such inner darkness permeates my innards and vacuums my heart 'til nothing's there and hollowness only is inside my mortal soul.

Shadows of abuse. First family then friends I dared to trust. Sanctity of home violated while the blame befalls upon me. And that night at the party with friends to assure safety, but violation while I slept as they watched and laughed -- so I'm told. I remember none of the deeds in action.

At home my mind strolled away and at the party the chemicals stole all awareness. Buried are the hidden unintelligible mumbles of thought struggling to escape with my tears. I'm just tired, so tired of being to blame. So tired. So bitter. Like the punch drunk boxer overwhelmed with pain swings out blindly at whatever moves screaming bullets of agony. It's bleeding me. But not down for the count.

This is the only life I have to live in, and if I had never lived here I'd never had cried, nor never have laughed and most of all never will be able to love which is so very very scary. Yes. It is scary. So scary. The only thing worth living for, the only thing really real but so illusive and so so scary.

A Living Dream

Wow, I'm tired, so tired. But not from work. I've been partying all night long! I went and picked up some really fine shit and we had a great time. As a matter of fact, I met a dream! Yes, he is! A living real to life dream. I'm in love. He is such a hunk, but so nice.

We didn't fuck or anything, but just talked. And we talked. And then we talked more. All night as we got high on the shit and higher on each other.

I kept calling him Benji which he didn't really like, I don't think, but it was fun teasing him because his name was Ben. And we laughed. I never laughed so much in my life! We talked and laughed and giggled all night long.

Then Lammy, my sis, had to be a kill joy and say we had to go home. So we did. I call her Lammy because she used to sleep with a little hand puppet of a lamb. I think they called it Lamb Chop. But anyway, I just couldn't go to bed. No.

My uncle has a duplex and he lives on one side and we stay on the other. He is the one with the computer that I use. And a telephone. So I went over and got on his phone to call Benji and talk to him some more.

Lammy said I was crazy, and she went back over and hit the sack. I talked until I just couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. And I think he was about to give it up himself as the pauses between our talk grew longer. So we agreed to both give it up and get some rest.

It is getting daylight this morning and I just wanted to jot down a few notes here to remember that this was the night I met my dream. And hopefully it doesn't turn into a nightmare. But I don't think so. I am so excited I don't know if I can go to sleep even as tired as I am.

No Sleeping Sunday

I never did go to bed Sunday morning. I just took a shower, imagining the water was love soaking my soul, and then went to church with Lammy and my cousins.

Ben says he doesn't believe in going to church, so I guess he just crashed. I love to go and be with my friends and cousins.

The Youth Group is having a talent show pretty soon and we are going to sing as a group. I could never get up in front of people by myself, but I can with my sister and cousins.

While at church I talked to Jason, a guy I went to school with. He even rode on the church bus when it brought us home just to get to talk to me. He was even there at church in the evening when we had the Youth Meeting where we could practice for the talent show. But he's not going to be in it. I think he likes me.

I didn't see Ben today, but talked a while to him on the phone while I was at my cousin's house. Lammy and I spent the afternoon at my cousin's house. When I got home from the Evening Meeting at church I crashed in the bed and gave it up.

But had to get up early this morning for work. Still being trained to open. I dread it when they stick me on that closing shift when I have to clean and close at one in the night. I'd better get on to work now.

Monday Afternoon

This has been one crazy day already and 4:20 had better get here pretty quick or I'm going to shit a brick throw it and knock the daylights out of Monday.

After work, Ben was a beast, but my manager was a real bitch! My goofy-ass friends came in again and acted all juvenile. But she saw Morely when he slipped me a twenty and I slid it in my pocket. That bitch has the eyes of a vulture and after they left she read me the riot act, not once, but more times than I cared to hear. I told her it was none of her business and had nothing to do with the store, but she said customers can't give me money while I'm on duty. It looks like I'm stealing or something. Oh, fuck that bitch, anyways.

So after I got off here comes Ben over to the house breathing all heavy and shit. We talked on the couch, or I tried to, but he was all hands on like an octopus while constantly grabbing his crouch like Michael Jackson dancing. I don't know exactly what he was doing there if trying to shift gears or readjust the thing that kept bulging more and more. Kind of amusing in a way.

He then slapped a open mouth on me, slobber and all and very very rough, but that's so manly and a real turn-on!. I licked the inside of his mouth and could tell he'd been smoking weed. I asked him where was mine! He said he didn't have any more. I felt his pockets while he felt everything he could of me. I pulled out his bag of pot. "Oh, I'll share it with you if you fuck me." he said. I want some now, I insisted. I want some now, he insisted. We wrestled around for a while, then he open the front of his pants and sure enough he was more than ready, that thing was brighter red than my hair. I just went down and he exploded right away. He must not have had any in six months!

Then he cooled off and we rolled the joint and smoked it and giggled and laughed about his aggressive behavior, which he apologized for and said he just loved me so much he couldn't help it. I was so excited to think he was so much in love with me like that and all!

Last night I saw a star and made a wish that someone would show me real love and sure enough, Ben did! I won't be calling him Benji anymore!

He finally had to leave. He works two jobs and had just got off one and had to go in for the second one. I can say that much for him; he is a worker.

Then I showered and changed clothes. Now I have to head out and take care of Morely.

After that escapade with Ben, I headed over to my stepfather's house. It was right about 4:20 when I got there and I gave him the twenty that Morely gave me this morning. Then he got out his scales and measured out some shit and put it in a bag for me to deliver back to the boy.

He then gave me a small bag of some the really best stuff, and I sat back and hit a couple. So fine. I finally left and took the stuff to Morely at the park where he was playing some basketball with a friend. He was really glad to see me and gave me a big hug. That felt so nice. We talked just a little, then I made a couple more drops and headed for home where I'm knocking off the rest of my own before I pound the pillows. One more day of the early shift shit. Hooray!

The Really Real Thing

After posting last night, I went back over to our side of the house, that is the other part of the duplex house of my uncle. That's when I noticed shadows outside my window. Something moved out there, or was it just the wind or the weed?

Lammy was out with her friends,so I was alone there. I don't like that being alone like that. I started to go back over to my uncle's side, but as I opened the door to go out, there was someone standing there. I thought I was going to shit all over myself!

"Did you order a pizza?" the voice in the dark asked, but I hadn't ordered one but had thought about ordering one. The guy just barged in and I screamed. It must be some kind of trick to rape me!

But then I saw that it was Ben. I was shaking and hugged the fuck out of him. We just laughed after he said he kept knocking but there was no answer so he walked around to look in the window to see if I was okay. That was when I was over on the other side on the computer before I came back. He must of been around the side of the house when I came back in my side.

I was starved and choked down some pizza. So did he. He kept asking me like where's my sister Lammy, the greasy Lamb Chop he calls her because her red hair is really long down her back all greasy and nasty looking, he thinks. He says. When's she coming home? He wants to know. What is she doing? Who is she with. Fuck that! Why all the questions about my bitchy sister?

He just laughed rolled a joint. Then I thought a minute. Oh. He wants to know how long we have here alone. Oh. Alone. Oh, yes. Just us two here alone. Now I see. We laughed and then got real quiet as we stared.

He kissed me. Oh ya. Oh ya. He is the one. The real thing! I mean to do the real thing with! Right there on the couch? Shit! Why not? With the lights on? Hell ya. We were naked before the we finished our second joint and then... Oh ya. The real thing. Love. Lammy never did come home. She must of stayed with someone. She's always into something. So all night we were alone. All night it was love.

I hated the morning. I had to go to work, but was an hour late. The riot act again. All morning at the store the bitch kept harping at me about my friends and said they were stealing. I can't help what my friends do. The bitch said my register came up short and it would be taken out of my check. Fuck that shit. She kept yelling that I was in a dream world and had better get my mind on the job. So glad that was my last early shift with her. Off tomorrow. Late shift Thanksgiving. Ain't that the shits or what?

Where's Lammy?

Oh God I was in a panic! Woke up with light coming in the window and alone in the bed. I share a bed with Lammy, my sis. But she wasn't there. She hasn't been here the past couple days and that is beginning to worry me.

It was sort of nice that she wasn't here that night when Ben and I first had real sex and it was the first time I had sex with a guy that I was aware of it or conscious. Oh, I'm still trying to catch my breath after this scare. I mean the light coming in the window and I thought I was late for work. It's dark when I had been going in at five. I just knew I was going to be fired for sure this time as I jumped out of bed throwing my clothes off and heading for the shower. As I stopped to sit naked and piss I realized I didn't have to go in today. A day off.

Damn fuck all to shitty hell was I scared there for a while. My hands are still shaking so bad I can hardly type this shit. That is what really shook me up. And of course Lammy not coming home worried me. And Ben? Oh, he went on home last night after we got us some. He had to be in early and had other crap to do.

I had planned to go to the party, ya a midweek party, at my friends house. It was actually a rave. That's a party where we do drugs and no one knows when or where until the last minute when Carl calls us to let us know. Actually I got wind that there was going to be one and I called him, since I don't have a phone in my side of the duplex.

Gonna have to talk nice to my Uncle Tom about running me an extension over here. I don't know if he'll do that or not. He lives on the other side and lets Lammy and me stay over here. I go over there and use his phone and computer. He's easy going and acts like he don't give a shit about anything we do, but his wife is kind of grumpy since she had to have her toes cut off from an infection or something. They are in their sixties. Old folks, you know. I better not say much about them cause he reads my blog. It's okay, Tom. You're cool even if you are old.

But as I was saying, now I forgot. Oh, the rave. That was wild. All kinds of booze and a really great bomg. I mainly went thinking Lammy would be there, but she wasn't. I got really wasted again. Me and my cousins sang some songs that we are going to do at the church talent show, and then they wanted us to do a strip. We did.

By that time I was too far gone to be shy anymore. I even did a few lap dances while naked. That was a first for me. I mean the naked part. It was funny that after a while I forgot all about not having clothes on and just went on as if it was natural.

I can't remember very much after that cause I kept hitting the bomb and sampling different bottles. I barely remember my cousins trying to get me back in my jeans and then letting me off at the house. The next thing I knew the light was coming in the window and I thought I was late for work.

So I Lied A Little

I guess its time to tell the truth. Just like that girl in that comment, my friends tell me that I live in a fantasy world and never see life as it really is. They say I wear my heart on my sleeve and exaggerate everything when I tell them about stuff. And they are constantly accusing me of plain out lying. Oh, hell. Maybe so. Well, I did lie in the profile thing, but doesn't everyone, I mean we all say stuff that is not all the way true to make me look better? So, I ain't going to no college. And I ain't so smart as when I get my uncle to help me put some of this shit together so it sounds fancy and all and like that. I use his computer and there is this little program thing or whatever it is that when you write something or read a word you don't know it, then you press and it a little box comes and you type or drag the word in it and it tells you what all it means. And if after you write shit, you can then go back and pick some short ordinary word and the it gives you a list of a whole lot of other words that mean the same thing only they sound more smarter like and makes the whole thing look like you are brainy and all. Damn I am so nervous trying to write this kind of shit, but hell, everyone lies a little and I bet there are a lot that use those spell check stuff and have a friend or someone read over what they wrote before they push the final button on it.

I asked my uncle to read over sometimes and he tells me stuff and sometimes even changes little things for me. Just touching it up and like that you know. He said it really ain't so bad like putting make-up on to look better you know. So I not going to college and was trying to fancy up the words and sentences and maybe even put a flair in the sound of what I was saying. I bet everyone does that. There isn't no one that writes shit and gets all the words right the first time I don't think so. What's so bad about having someone proof it like find mistakes and tell how to make it sound better. And fib a little to make me sound better like the college thing. I guess I will just have to change my profile. But that stuff gets complicated and I'm afraid I fuck up everything to mess with it, so I'll wait until my uncle has time to sit down here with me and help me do that.

Well, I came clean, I think. Maybe it did sound like fiction but it sounds so boring to read them blogs that just make lists or say shit in a way like reading some school book and all. Oh. Got to go catch the church bus, this is Wednesday evening and we will get to practice our singing after they make us listen to them preach at us. So now you know I really not as smart as those other fancy sounding blogs out there, but I bet if you wipe the make-up off them you'd see what dumb asses they really are just like the rest of us.

Wednesday Night Church

Lammy wasn't at church. And after I came home she wasn't at home. This worries me, but everyone just says it's typical of her to take off for a while and she'll be back when she gets ready. But I still worry.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but no one seems to want me to come around. Not even mom, really. It snowed here this morning but it's mostly melted by now and just looks like we had a rain. All those pretty leaves that changed color on the trees are just stinky rotting shit now.

At church they cut me out of the talent show. And that Jason, who keeps hanging around me, was a real ass.

But before I go into that shit, which is upsetting as fuck, I was saying, Lammy wasn't at church and that upset me to begin with. But I began to get more cheery and excited when we got to practice our act for the talent show. But my cousins and I began giggling about that party where we stripped. We were singing an old Britney Spears song along with a CD that had these words in it:

My loneliness is killing me
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

But we sang the last line like, Fuck me baby one more time. That was at the party we did that, but Jen kept saying fuck when we were singing and breaking us up, and then all of us sang Fuck me baby one more time. But that pissed off the youth councilor and she made us get off the stage and said we were out of the talent show.

We pleaded and all that, but she evil eyed us, especially me. Gave me the creeps. Made me sad. As a matter of fact I cried, but tried to hide the tear and acted like I was watching the others practice. That's when Jason came near and kept making funny faces and acting silly like he was mocking the kids on the stage. It was silly, but it made me smile some.

Then he nodded for me to sneak out and we went out in the parking lot and he showed me he had a joint, so we snuck onto the church bus and lit it. I just had a couple hits when he was all over me like Ben was that night, but he just doesn't do it for me. He's such a dorky silly kid and all and I didn't want to fuck him or give head, which he really wanted. I just wanted to get out of there but he kept grabbing me and begging me to go down on him and I just kept saying I wasn't in no mood for that shit.

Then a guy who works for the church saw us and made us come out of the bus and took us inside and told our youth councilor. She was furious and yelled at me that I was getting too old for the youth group and should be with the young adults. But these guys here are all I know. But maybe she is right. So I guess I'm out of the youth group at church and cut off from my old friends.

When I got home I felt all sad or pissed or something. And Lammy still wasn't there. I went over to my uncle's side of the duplex and used his computer to check the comments and felt all defensive and shit and just went back to my side.

I still had a little weed there, but just didn't feel like hitting it. On the bed I stared at the ceiling but kept thinking of all the shit at church and then the comments. That Mushroom head guy keeps wanting me to put up a nude pic for HNT but Lammy isn't here to take any pictures. I just don't trust anyone else. Not much in the mood for it anyway.

And Ben, no, I don't want him to know about my blog and he's not interested in taking pictures anyway. He just works all the time and pops in here to pop off and leave. It's beginning to look like all he wants out of me is a fuck. That's all he does, work and fuck. We started out talking a lot, but the pauses in our talk gets longer and longer. Sometimes on the phone we just sit there for ten minutes without even saying anything. I thought back when he brought those roses to me and I thought he was such a dream. Then I looked over at the roses and they are all wilted and the stems are bent over and the peddals are all over the table and floor. Now it is just a stick with thorns.

I got up and grabbed them to throw them out but it hurt! It seemed kind of funny in a way that there was just a tiny prick on the end of my thumb with a tiny red dot but such big pain. Ouch! When he first gave them to me I wrote that love is all that is real, but now it seems that pain is all that is really real. So I figured I'd come back over to my uncle's side and write on my blog. Feel so lonely now. So deflated.

Ha. Just had a silly thought. You're growing up Lula, but what you are becoming is not very becoming.

Thanksgiving Day

I just couldn't stand sitting in that place alone this morning. Went over to the other side of the duplex and talked to my uncle for a while. Told him about the shit that happened, but he is just like "Yeah, uh huh, okay, yeah." It's easy to spill my beans to him but he never critisizes or says much and it's like tossing my guts onto the wall and it just runs down on the floor in a big slimy puddle.

Got bored with that and walked over to mom's to see if she saw Lammy or heard anything. Greeted with her shit-face and tonguelashes that she heard about me getting kicked out of church; she heard about me going to be fired; she heard I was having guys over like as if it was a whore house or something.

Just Ben comes over. Once in a while Carl drops by. And Mike comes sometimes, but he is only fourteen and all, just a kid but fun to talk serious with. He don't really understand, but at least he's more responsive than my old uncle with his "Yeah, uh huh, okay, yeah." And mom threw that up to me, too. She said she heard I was putting out to him to get him to let us stay there. Mom poured the shit into my ear until it filled me up to my neck and I wanted to gag.

Hmmm. Maybe this shit sounds like fiction because of the example things like I think, oh metaphor and simile or something like that. I had to ask my uncle about what it was again. I shouldn't have asked him because it causes him to come in and look at what I wrote and he starts that "Yeah, uh huh." shit.

I got confused what I was saying. Okay. My step dad grumbled at me and said he had about three or four drops for me to make. I just take the shit to someones house like a paper boy or something and he collects the money later somehow. But after all that, no word of Lammy.

After the drop I rushed back because Ben was picking me up to go to his parents house for dinner. I know his sister, for a long time. We call her Hooch because she used to play in the chat rooms with us back then and she called herself Hoochiegirl. Of course there was a bunch of numbers after the name like they give criminals or something.

Ben had to fuck before we went. But I don't want to lose him. At least he is nice to me, sort of. He went on about hearing about Jason at church and said he was going to kick his ass and all that kind of shit.

Hooch said she heard that Lammy was shacking with Pokey, but that dude is around 30 or something. Lammy is just 16. What's she want with an old guy like that? But at least I know she is okay, I guess. They say he is one of them, wait, I have to asked my uncle for that word. Oh, pediphile. Pokey likes the younger girls. But he ain't mean, I don't think. Just goofy acting like he is a kid himself. It could be worse.

Oh, hell, I've got to get over and shower and get ready for work tonight. That damn Ben just wanted to fuck again when he let me off at home. That's like all he thinks about and told me to keep a diary and write down how many times we fuck and all. He's getting a little creepy. But maybe guys like that kind of shit. So I have to keep a log of our sex in a notebook so he can check his stats when he comes by.

But now, got to work. It might be better without that bitch manager standing over my shoulder all the time. Oh, and speaking of looking over my shoulder, my uncle read this and said that whoever it was that said that I should write a blog about myself opened Pandora's box. Who the fuck is Pandora?

Friday Morning

I was tired last night after I got off work at one in the morning. We had to clean everything, like the floors and coffee pots and stock everything up. But it was still better than having that bitch manager cleaning my clock all the time. I don't think she likes my ass.

When I got home I was ready to have a hit and hit the bed, but Ben popped in. He keeps saying he ain't got no shit and I know he does, so I tell him I ain't got no shit because I don't want the cheap ass to smoke all mine and then I don't have any and he hordes his. That just ain't right. So I hid my stuff over on the other side of the duplex in my uncle's house. He won't find it because it is in a jacket I keep over there and Uncle Tom don't bother my stuff.

Ben just kept wanting to fuck after he checked his stats in the notebook that he makes me keep about how many times and all. And then he said he was staying all night. Shit. He fucked me three more times and I thought I would never get to go to sleep. It is kind of nice having someone close like that, but that just seems too much.

At work they were talking about sex while it was slow and they were saying stuff about coming and orgasms. I really have never heard of that. I'll have to look that word up. They thought I was stupid or something and just laughed. Or maybe they just thought I was trying to act silly or be funny or something.

I just never thought that girls were supposed to feel that, whatever it is like, when men make faces and groan and carry on while fucking. I thought just men did that shit. But they say there is more.

They even mentioned that men could go down on a girl. But what would they suck if they did. That don't make sense. I mean, what the fuck would they do? Stick their tongue in the pussy? That sounds gross. Who would want to do something like that? And what the hell could it do for me?

I think I'll head out, now that Ben has gone to work and go see some of my cousins and friends and see if I can find out where the hell Lammy really is. Hooch said she just heard that sis was staying with Pokey but she doesn't know for sure. Mom didn't seem worried about it. All she wanted to do was bitch at me about my life. I'm outtie.

Morning or Evening?

I was really messed up when I woke this morning. It is the time of year now that seven in the morning looks about like seven in the evening when you look at a window. I couldn't figure out which it was for a long time. If it was evening, I was late for work but It felt like I had just got off. Talk about feeling confused that is a weird feeling not to know if it is morning or evening.

I still had my street clothes on so maybe I had just came in to take a nap before work in the afternoon, but on the other hand maybe I just crashed when I came home from work at 1 a. m. I was beginning to get nervous because if it was in the evening then I am late and they'll fire me for sure. I felt all dizzy and shit when I tried to stand up and it was like I was on a rocking boat making me dance around the room and bump into stuff.

I thought a shower might help so I pulled my clothes off and let them fly around the room, then headed to the bathroom and turned the shower on to let it get hot and then turned to the toilet. But it seemed to be bubbling or something, making splashy like noises inside the bowl. I stepped a little closer real slow, then some little green head popped up, like it was, no not an aligator like I firt thought. Oh, I know, it looked like that Iguana thing that the Lazy Iguana has a picture of on his blog. It was all creepy and shit as it was coming out of the toilet trying to get up on the seat. It was flashing that tongue and making hissing sounds like a snake, but it was really ugly and gross looking.

I just stood there and the piss spewed down all over the floor and my feet and legs. I wanted to scream, but nothing would come out, so I turned and ran out and to the back door and out of the house and across the backporch to my uncle's back door, but it was locked and his stupid dogs kept barking.

I was freezing and I looked down at my bare feet that were all wet where I had pissed all over myself. Then I started to feel in my pockets for a key, but realized I was totally naked and the keys were in the house in my pants. I remembered that my uncle had a key hidden and I grabbed it, but waited. Hell, I was naked and couldn't go in there. What would they think? But no way I'm going back in my side of the duplex with that thing in there!

I shivered trying to make the decision. I hate to make decisions like that. But finally shoved in the key and went in and stood in the dark with my back against the wall and felt the warm air from the register by my feet. Then a roach or something crawled off the wall onto my shoulder and I yelled and brushed it off and rushed into the dining area and tried to find the light, but kept bumping into chairs and shit and fell to the floor, knocking a chair over with me. I was scared and dizzy and really confused but the light came on.

There was a couple minutes of calm as I looked up and saw my uncle standing in the doorway all sleepy like and squinting his eyes trying to adjust to the light like I was too. I got to my feet and was crying and breathing all heavy when I ran to him, but he held out his hands to stop me and started with that "Yeah, uh hum, okay." shit, and he turned real quick and left the room. He came right back with a big bed sheet in his hand and tossed it at me and I again realized I was naked so I put it around me.

I told him about the thing in the toilet, so he quickly went out to my side and I sat down and tried to compose myself while looking at the colored design on the sheet like swirls and thought how that was what my mixed up life was like. Seemed like he was over there a long time, but finally he came back saying there wasn't anything in my toilet. But I swore to him I saw it and it was coming after me.

He then stretched out his hand toward me and I backed off from his sudden move, but then noticed that he had my crack pipe in his hand and a frown on his face. He was like, "This is where the Iguana came from." I grabbed the pipe. He began to scold me in an angry voice, the first time he ever did anything like that, but he said the pipe was on my bed. It still had some rock in it but I told him it was just a little pot, but that didn't matter to him. He was mad because it was on the bed and said that I should never smoke anything when in bed because I could set the covers or mattress on fire and burn up the house and all that.

I started crying and he shut up and apologized for scolding me, saying he was just scared of fires. It could kill me and all of us. My hands were shaking and I couldn't stop them, so I asked him if I could just take a little hit to calm me down and he hesitated and finally said "if it would help go ahead" and said some corny shit like "Your life is the horse you chose and you have to ride it and I am having enough trouble staying on my own horse and keeping it on the right path."

I laughed because it sounded sort of funny or silly hearing someone talk like that when that is the kind of shit that is usually written down in books and not really talked. So I lit my pipe.

Anyway he walked me back over to my side and we went in the bathroom where he showed me nothing was there and we laughed about it. I thanked him and hugged him and the bed sheet fell to the floor and he began that "Yeah, uh huh, okay." shit and acted all nervous. He turned quickly and left telling me to rest some more sleep and when I got back up to come over and he'd fix me something to eat.

So I woke up again just now and dressed and came over to my uncle's side and he is fixing me something to eat as I write this. He didn't say much about what had happened except that "Yeah, uh huh, okay." shit. I am starved! That shit smells really good he's fixing!

Gloomy Sunday

Church was disastrous, it was a total creepy rainy day here, and gloomy and all that, like you know, cloudy. I was up pretty early this morning, but my bag was empty but a few crumbs like in the bottom. I was wanting anything to calm my nerves so I went over to my uncle's side to see if I had something hid in my jacket pockets but I'd used that shit up, too.

I knew there was beer in his refridgerator because Aunt Red (she has red hair like me) is like an alkie, or really a slush for beer. That's kind of a lame buzz, but better than nothing, so after Uncle Tom did his "Yeah, uh huh, okay." shit and went back in the living room with her, I slipped out two cans and then grabbed a turkey baster from the drawer and rushed back out before he saw me take the shit. I just tossed him a yell saying I'd see him later and was outie.

Back home on my side of the dupe I shed my clothes faster than Superman to the rescue and got in that hot shower. Put that beer in the baster thing and then slowly worked the tube up into my ass. That was some really rad feeling, when I squeezed the bulb and squirted that ice cold beer inside me while standing under the steaming hot shower. I think that gave me more buzz than the stinky beer. How can people drink that sewer smelling shit! It gags me to even just talk to someone who has drank some.

I finally got dressed and primped up for church and was ready to catch the church bus when here come Fast Fuck Ben. I told him it was Sunday morning and I was going to church and he just said he'd go with me because he wanted to see that Jason guy that everyone was talking about and how he was messing with me in the church bus that night at the talent show rehearsal.

Ben said he'd take me so I didn't have to catch the bus, but he wanted to fuck real quick before we went. I got pissed because I didn't want to get messed up before church and I like to ride the bus to see some of my friends I don't see unless I do. But he said I just wanted to see Jason and ranted on with that jealous shit so I just told him we could fuck after church and asked him if he had anything to smoke. He handed me a pack of cigarettes. I threw them at him and whipped the shit out of him with my tongue, laying every bad word I could think of on him, but it just made him more horny, he said.

The bastard wouldn't hardly let me talk to anyone at church and he sat right next to me close like he was guarding me or something and afraid I might escape. He acted real nice like in a pretend way, like you see couples do in movies or TV when they are in love, and he even kissed me. The phoney ass hole! He never kisses me when we are alone, and don't even kiss me when we fuck. What's with this lovey dovey shit in public?

Then I saw Jason out of the corner of my eye. He was making pucker faces and and acting all silly making fun of Ben and then Ben turned to see what I was laughing at and he saw Jason's ridicule shit and Ben pointed and yelled at him. The preacher stopped preaching and everyone turned and stared at us and my friends held their fingers to their lips to 'shhhhsh' us. I just sat up straight and propper like rolling my eyes around but trying to look cute and innocent.

Ben put his arm around me like showing I was his property or something and Jason kept mocking every movement Ben made with exaggeration and silliness. He just kept doing that over and over and making stupid kissy faces until Ben finally leaped to his feet and jumped over the pews toward him. Jason hopped the pews and climbed over people until he got to the isle and then he sprinted to the door with Ben right at his ass like an excited dog after a rabbit.

They left through the front door and the youth councilor came to me and told me that I should leave also and that I was the cause of it all by flirting and getting those poor boys all excited and shit like that. But she used fancy words like harlet and fornicator, you know, the kind of stuff we read but just don't hear people say in regular talk much. It made me laugh hearing her do that like my uncle talking that funny stuff like I have my own horse to ride and shit.

My grin really pissed the youth councilor off and her words turned color like her face turned red. She yelled for me to get my whoring ass out of this holy house of the Lord as the preacher was trying to settle her down. So I ran out.

I didn't see them outside, and really didn't want to. I just turned and started walking just anywhere to get away from those fools. It seems like I walked for hours, but I guess it wasn't all that long before I got to my mom's house.

I told step-dad I'd make some delivery drops for him and that I needed some shit, but he said he cleaned house and was closing shop for a while because of some task force investigation or something. He moved everything somewhere else and said he was just going "low profile" for a while. That churned my guts. And mom kept harping at me about shit but I didn't listen to her.

I just left and headed back to my place and sat and cried and hid when I heard Ben knocking at the door. Fuck that stupid bastard anyway. After he gave up I went out the back door to my uncle's side of the house and told him if Ben called or came by to tell him I was not home. He just went like "Yeah, uh huh, okay." and I sat down at his computer to write this.

Then my uncle came over and asked me what something was. It was what was left from a brick I had and I grabbed it like his dogs snatches scraps. I thanked him, but never told him what it was and said I was hungry, so he went to fix me something to eat and I broke some off the brick and stuffed it in my pipe and lit it and started writing this. Don't have to worry about work today.

What's That Grand Feeling?

Last night, Sunday night, I just really didn't feel like seeing or talking to anyone, especially Ben after that shit at church. I just wish that Lammy was here and it gets so lonely by myself and all. So I just stayed over on my uncle's side of the duplex and goofed around on his computer. Uncle Tom sat by me for a while and first started talking about my job over at the convenience store and said he had been there several times but never saw me there. It was sort of hard to breathe as I just stared off not knowing exactly what to say and just said I was probably on break but he said I must take a lot of breaks.

I could feel my lips begin to quiver and couldn't hardly stop it even when I bit down on them. He asked me why I was so stoic like a rock and that made me giggle because it sounded funny and I didn't know what that word was but didn't want to look stupid to him. And besides, when he said rock, well, you know what I thought.

I just sort of stared at the computer screen but didn't really see it. Instead I saw that bitch manager firing me and saying she not only had a video of me putting money in my pocket but they had a video from a hidden camera in the district manager's office who gave me the job after I gave him a blow job there. She had even made me sit there and watch that video of me going down on the guy and it seemed so odd seeing myself do that because I never saw myself from the way others would see me, and it seemed so embarrassing watching me do that to him.

I cried when I watched it and I began to cry last night as I sat there staring stoic at the computer screen, like my uncle said with that word. He looked at me and then at the screen and asked me what I was reading to make me cry like that. So I finally just said to him that I was fired a while back and was lying about having to go to work and all. He seemed to get nervous and started with that "Yeah, uh huh, okay..." shit and I just had to laugh at him because he seemed to be feeling as awkward and sentimental as I was as I wiped my tears.

Then he said something really stupid like "When you fall off a horse you just have to get back on." and I laughed even more at him for saying that shit like was written in books and all, and I don't really know why he keeps talking about horses. But somehow I felt better and started talking more to him, but didn't tell him about the blow job. But I did tell him about the notebook Ben makes me keep and I even ran over to my side and got it and brought it over to show him. He was just like, "Yeah, uh huh, okay."

I asked him what my friends were talking about when they said orgasms and shit like that. He got even more nervous, and then pulled the keyboard over and clicked on Google and found a website that explained that kind of stuff. Then he went in the other room and would come back once in a while to see how I was doing. So when he came back I would ask him stuff and he would stammer around and try to explain it.

I told him that I never felt anything like that with Ben and he suggested that I should try with some other guys that were nice and see if it would happen. Then he found a site that explained how women could masturbate and that shocked me because I didn't know girls could do that. He just said that it might give me a hint of the feeling I was supposed to get with a guy. Then he would go away again and come back after I had time to read it. After a while it didn't seem so embarrassing to talk to him like that. It began to feel natural like when I did that strip at the party and walked around naked and forgot about not having any clothes on. And he got more relaxed about talking to me, too and didn't do so much of that "Yeah, uh huh, okay." shit.

We talked to past midnight about that shit and I told him all kinds of shit and then the phone rang and the whole mood changed all of a sudden. I thought it was Ben, but Uncle Tom said it was Carl. He's the guy who has the rave parties. He said he wanted to talk to me sometime and asked if he could stop by tomorrow afternoon.

I went on back to my side and took a shower and let the water hit me between my legs and rubbed like it described on the website, and it felt good but I felt silly doing that even if I was alone. I never did get that grand feeling they were talking about, but it was interesting and gave me some ideas. I then went on to bed and got up about seven and Uncle Tom is fixing me some breakfast as I write this.

Carl Stopped By

This has been a crazy ass day. Morning wasn't too bad, but the afternoon was hell. I took a shower and got all primped up because Carl was supposed to stop by today. He didn't say what he wanted, but he is rich and all and I wanted to make an impression on him like cleaning up the place, like that.

I was excited when I heard a knock at the door. My hands tingled and were all sweaty when I turned the knob, but it was fuck-face instead! Ben. I never imagined that I'd ever hate to lay eyes on his ugly mug, but my whole insides regurgitated (found that word in that little program on this computer). And I sure did feel like vomiting all over him. I just didn't want to put up with him now with Carl coming over and all.

Ben charged in like a bull yelling and screaming at me wanting to know where I had been and what have I been doing and why didn't I answer the phone. "I don't have a damn phone, dumbass!" He's like, "Your uncle kept saying you weren't home and for me to stop calling because it is bothering his sick wife." Then he starts the shit like I'm fucking my uncle and I just told him to fuck off, and he said I was his woman and I said I ain't nobody's whore, and that is what he meant.

That fucker don't love me. He thought he was going to read the riot act to me about what I should and shouldn't do or could or couldn't do and I told the son of a bitch to suck my imaginary dick! Ben says "Don't get smart mouth with me or..." and I'm like, "Or what!?" Then he slapped the shit out of me and I screamed at him even louder trying to scratch his eyes out and he hit me with his fist, knocking me to the floor and making everything all blurry.

Then the door opened wide and there stood Carl blocking all the light in the doorway, and he was big enough. Carl is a black man way over 250 and all muscle, and mean looking with that shaved head. Ben turned and yelled at him like "What the fuck do you want?" and ended that question with the N word and that was the end of that conversation. Carl followed his fist into my living room and into Ben's face and Ben flew through the air right over me, landing on his back beside me and spitting blood.

Carl was holding a gun in his hand and I crawled out of the way faster than I have ever moved. Well, anyway, Ben got his bloody and piss covered self up and ran out the door faster than Jason ran from the church, but he didn't get very far because there were two other big black guys standing on the front porch and they snatched Ben like he was a ten-year-old little kid or something. Carl nodded and they led Ben out back, and I heard some screaming and smacking for a short while. Then all got quiet.

Uncle Tom came out and was on the front porch, but didn't say anything. I told him to go back in and he went like, "Yeah, uh huh, okay..." and he went back into his side of the duplex. Carl asked if he was going to call the law and I said no he wouldn't do that, but Carl said he didn't want trouble with the law and he pulled out and handed me a bag of weed, saying that he'd call me later tonight. Then he left.

I rushed to the back door, but Ben was long gone. I took a shower and washed the blood off my face where Ben had busted my lip and eye and smoked some of the weed then went over to my uncle's side to tell him everything was okay and wait for Carl to call. My hands are still shaking from all that shit as I try to type this.

Frightful Night

I asked my uncle if I could just stay over on his side of the duplex all night and sleep on the couch because I am really scared, especially after it got really dark out there.

Carl had called about eight and said he wanted to meet with me, but he would call tomorrow and give me the location where I should come because he didn't want to say much on the phone tonight and couldn't really tell me what it was about or anything. He just mentioned something about a task force like my step dad did. So I told him I'd come over to my uncle's in the morning to get the call.

Then I headed back over to my side to smoke some of that weed he gave me and it was good shit! But that's when I started hearing noises and it sounded like it was outside my window. At first I just thought it was my imagination like when I thought I saw that Iguana thing in the toilet, But I saw a shadow on the window shade and it was moving.

I hate this shit of being alone! Wish Lammy was here. I headed for the back door, but stopped. Shit! If that is someone out there, and I thought probably Ben, it would be stupid to go out there. It could be someone wanting to hurt me or something, or even Ben wanting to hurt me after what happened in the afternoon.

I pounded on the wall three times with my fist like the signal my uncle and I agreed like he would do if I had a phone call. Then he pounded three times. And I did and he did. I tried to yell into the wall hoping he could hear me. Finally I took both fists and kept beating the wall like a drum. In a moment he came in the back door and yelled for me. I ran to him and hugged him because it was a relief to have someone around because I was so scared and all. He just went like, "Yeah, uh huh, okay..."

I asked him if I could go over and sleep on his couch because I keep hearing someone out my window and it might be Ben wanting to hurt me. He agreed and we headed for the back door, but I stopped and ran back to grab the bag of weed and a hat and he was like, "Yeah, uh huh, okay..." and I put the bag on my head and covered it with the hat.

As we were coming over the dogs ran in the yard and barked at the bushes, so I rushed inside my uncle's side of the house. I sat there at the computer and smoked and I thought he had gone into the other room, and I heard that noise outside his window and the dogs barked. It really scared me. He asked if I wanted him to call the police to come and check it out but I shook my head and pointed at my head, but he didn't seem to understand. So I held my fingers to my mouth like I was smoking and he was like, "Yeah, uh huh, okay..." and then he went into the other room with his sick wife.

I think they have gone to bed and I tried to go to sleep on the couch but just couldn't go to sleep and didn't want to turn on the TV because it might keep them awake. I just stared at the ceiling like for hours, so it seemed that long. Every once in a while the dogs would jump up and bark or growl and that really kept me on edge.

I finally fell asleep when the dogs began barking and woke me. I looked around and swore I saw someone turning the door knob, but the dead bolt lock was on and the door wouldn't open. I know it wasn't my imagination because the dogs ran to the door barking like someone was out there. Then it got quiet and I just couldn't move even though I had to pee so bad I couldn't stand it.

It was like I was paralyzed. I kept listening, then the dogs began barking again at the window and I saw the shadow outside and I pissed all over myself! My uncle came in and I told him I pissed on the couch and he laughed. I pulled the wet pants and panties off and when I stood the t-shirt seemed to be long enough to come down and cover me, except maybe if I bent over or sat down, but I could just keep my legs together. I asked my uncle to stay up with me until morning and he wanted me to wrap a sheet around me, but I said I wasn't worried because I trust him.

So I am sitting here at the computer and Uncle Tom is at the table (the computer is in his dining room) and he has his head down. I think he fell asleep sitting there. But at least he is here and that makes me feel safer. I am awful sleepy now and can't hardly hold my eyes opened or focus on the screen. I feel like I'm falling asleep, so I'll just sit at the table, too and put my head down. Hope morning comes soon.

Yesterday Seems So Far Away

Oh, shit, I am really fucked up this morning and I just got home from a party. I really just don't give a shit about anything right now because I am so tired and haven't slept all night because I was at the party with Carl and them. He doesn't want for me to say anything about him much on the blog because he is all paranoid but has to be because of the shit he does.

I got that call from him in the morning yesterday and it all seems like ancient history now that it is so long ago and I saw Hooch as I was walking over to the place Carl told me to come to. He doesn't want me to say much, but I saw Hooch and I asked about Ben and she said he looked like a raccoon with both eyes black and he is really mad at me, but he'll get over it. I kind of wished I could see him and be with him again for a while because I now miss him and this room is rocking and making me seasick and like I have to go throw up.

Okay, now what was I saying? That place where I met with Carl and his friends was really strange, but I ain't supposed to say much about that. When I was talking to Hooch while going over there she asked me if I ever heard from my sister Lamb Chop or I mean Lammy as I call her.

I guess I could say some stuff like it was so funny when I first met with Carl because it was so silly the way he was playing with my head or like Bill Cosby did that silly playing shit with his kids on that TV show. Carl was in a long black leather coat with mirror sunglasses looking like that guy in the Matrix movie with that bald head. It was so funny when he held out his hands and there was a blue pill in one hand and red pill in the other and said some shit with that deep voice telling me to take one, the red one I did and popped it in my mouth, but I bit down on it and it was just a jelly bean. Well, I thought it was funny at the time, especially when he said shit like, "Welcome to the real world."

It went on like that, but then he sat with me and told me a bunch of shit I can't repeat now. He got a job for me to do like bagging drugs and shit like that but I can't say but everything would be okay if I like I was supposed to do.

I still feel sickish and must have had too much shit last night at that party and I think I was running around naked again and maybe they fucked me, and it seemed like a whole lot of them that did. The real scary part was when they were giving me a shot because I was always scared of getting shots at school or the doctor, but I forgot about that pretty quick and I had a lot of fun, I think.

Damn I got to get back over and get some sleep for a while. After Carl talked and explained shit for two or three hours or whatever, I helped them fix a place up for a rave party and then the shot and the party and now I am at uncle's and don't feel like doing this now, so I'll ask uncle to walk me over to my side and help me in bed and my uncle can finish posting this shit. bye.

The Cops

I really slept sound and was dreaming of a sound of a phone ringing and just kept ringing even when I opened my eyes squinting in the light of day and tried to figure where the sound was coming from. I was still in my clothes on the bed and had to piss really bad like I was going to bust, so I started for the bathroom, but still heard the ring sound mixed with the splashing of piss.

I knew it was real by then and quickly wiped and tossed the toilet paper toward the bowl as I headed back but the paper bounced and fell on the floor and I was like, "Fuck it. Later." There was a phone beside my bed and I guess my uncle had put it in there while I was out partying last night. Carl's deep ass voice took my breath and he wondered if I was okay and some of his guys would stop by to pick me up to take me somewhere later on. It took me a minute, but then I realized what he meant because I was going to help them bag some pot. Nice fringe benefits with that job, you better believe.

I went over to Uncle Tom's to eat and he said he just let me flop on the bed last night in my clothes and didn't want to undress me or anything and I said he should have got him a thrill and laughed, teasing him. We talked some shit a long time then I went back to my side and took a shower, but as I was leaving I teased him and asked if he wanted to come over and help me take my clothes off and he was just, "Yeah, uh huh, okay..." and waved me to go on and I laughed all the way over there.

I kept hearing a thud sound as I was showering and thought it might be my uncle beating on the wall as a signal or something, but it wasn't that, it was the front door. Shit, it wasn't even noon yet. Those guys were awful early to come get me, so I just grabbed a towel and put over me as I opened the door to tell them later, but it was a couple men in suits.

They showed me badges. I was like a statue for a while, then they said they just wanted to ask me some questions. I told them I was undressed, but really didn't have to because I could feels their eyes all over my body in that bath towel, but I said that as an excuse to not let them in.

Then they explained they were just checking out some shit about my sister, Lammy and was wondering if I knew where she was. I had made a blood oath with Carl and all that I wouldn't tell the police anything, but I wasn't sure if that included stuff about my sister and stuff like that, so finally I told them I thought she was with Pokey, but I didn't say Pokey the Pedophile.

After I dressed I used the fuck out of that phone calling everyone I knew to see if anyone knew about Lammy and also I was concerned about Ben.

Then the guys were here to take me to my new job, but it was more like a party than a job, you know?

Back home my uncle fixed me something to eat and I talked to him about this blog. He said he had made some comments under my user thing, but I don't care. He said a lot of people think this is fiction and some think it is real, but he wants to keep it a mix of true and fiction so that the police can't use any of it in court because all we have to say is that it is a story, and they couldn't prove anything because we use the same computer and they couldn't show who wrote what. Like that. I'm going back over and burn up that phone! Thanks Uncle Tom!

My First Orgasm

I finally got my shit tight and called Ben to see how he was and he was so cooing like a pigeon and all. It was like that first night when I talked and talked to him until I thought my uvula was going to fall off. Yeah! I know that word, uvula. Sounds dirty, huh? But it's that hunk of meat that hangs down at the back of your neck, but sounds like part of the pussy or something. My uncle mentioned it is why I learned it.

I was talking about the party and was telling him about a game we played call cum-uppens. That's where a guy sits down pantless and Leggs (she's a black girl with long ass legs) and I would get on each side of him and they would time us each thirty seconds to blow his horn until he popped and whoever was sucking when he came was the winner. I beat her eight out of eleven guys. I told my uncle that night I was so stoned after the party, and he told me to open wide and he looked down my throat and said, "Yeah, uh huh, your uvula is white-washed." and I didn't know what he was talking about until he told me what it was. Oh, I thought it was funny at the time.

But anyway, Ben kept talking so sweet and saying he loved me so much he could fuck me all night and the way he was saying fuck and love got me feeling tingly and I stuck my hands down my pants and I was soaked where my low-eye was crying for him. But he said he wouldn't come over to the house because one of the black guys who took him out back lives next door to me. I thought a minute and then realized that it was Saint, one of the guys we played the game with, and then I thought about Saint's dick. I remember when I was sucking it I was thinking about what it would be like him fucking me and wondered if I would have one of them orgasms and all.

Ben told me to go stand on the corner and he would come by and pick me up, but that reminded me of some ho standing on a street corner and then I began to think how he just used me for sex all the time and that it would start all over again.

But really I was thinking of Saint's big cock. I wondered if Saint was home. I just told Ben I would think about it and then went out on the porch and looked over at the house next door to see if any lights were on. I knocked at the door and asked Saint if I could borrow a cup of sugar and he said he had his sugar in his pants for me and I just smiled and said your place or mine.

I went in and he was playing some music and my pants just seemed to fall down to my ankles and I just said I must be losing weight and he said I looked thick enough for him. But he wasn't all grabby and rough like Ben is. Saint was so smooth and I sucked his tongue and his hands were so gentle against my breasts like he was handling eggs. We floated onto his couch and he engaged and we rocked slowly to the fast rythm of the song.

Saint kissed the fuck out of me, and I think that really made a difference and things got really weird like I had taken some drug and I began to scream like crazy and couldn't help it. Good thing we fucked at his place because if my uncle heard me he would have thought someone was killing me or something. When it was over, I told Saint I didn't know what he did to me, but I sure hope he does it to me again. By God, he did.

After a few more times I went home and didn't bother to dress, just carried my clothes over to the house and my uncle stepped out on the porch as I was coming up and he looked at me and just said, "Yeah, uh huh, okay." and he went back in. It was only about eleven at night but I just fell into bed and went to sleep, the earliest I ever went to bed since I don't know when. So I got up early and showered and came over and woke my uncle up when the dogs barked.

I sit at the computer and he is fixing me something to eat. I think he is spoiling me. But all I could think of was that feeling I got when Saint fucked me and finally I told my uncle about it. He was just, "Yeah, uh huh, okay."

Suddenly Sentimental

I came over here to my uncle's side of the duplex this morning about 6:30 and was all excited about having my first orgasm and all and just wrote like crazy spilling my guts. I mean it was great and all, but after I ate the breakfast my uncle fixed me I went back over and laid there staring at the ceiling for the longest time and just thinking all alone. And something seemed to fall all over me like the dew settles down on the grass in the morning and I got all misty and serious or maybe sentimental is the word I found on that little box of the program on this computer that helps me pick words and shit.

But actually I felt kind of sad even though I was happy, sad and happy at the same time, and I felt real still in a way but like there were jumping beans inside my stomach. I kept thinking maybe I should go back over and delete that last entry because it was so dirty and like that. I mean it feels good to write and let it out of my head like taking a shit, But it worries me somehow and makes me feel all slimy and gooey as I think about what I wrote. I guess ashamed of myself. Maybe guilty. Just like I shouldn't have done it.

I thought about Uncle Tom and how he is better to me than any of my family ever has been, and he really isn't my uncle even though I call him Uncle Tom. I don't know why he is so nice to me and he never asks for anything back and just accepts whatever I do as, well, not really okay, because he says he doesn't like what I do sometimes but says that doesn't change his feelings. He said it might be that his wife was pregnant but something happened and she lost the baby and had to have her sex organs removed and couldn't have any kids. And they couldn't afford to adopt. And his wife is a red head like me and so he sort of looks at me as if his child would have lived, then it might look like I do. Like that. Kind of sad.

He looks at me wishing he had his child, but knows I really ain't his kid. Sort of like, he says, if he sees the faint ghost of his dead mother and reaches out to hug her once more but... You know. She's not really there. Like hearing a song and playing air guitar he hugs the air wishing he could hug his mom one more time.

It made tears pool up on my eyes where I was laying on my back on the bed looking up and I had to sit up and let them run out of my eye sockets. I don't know what is wrong with me this morning. I feel so much different than I did when I first woke up and wrote that stuff. It is really kind of strange and hard to understand. So I came back over to his side of the house and thought maybe I could delete that last entry before someone reads it. But I'm not sure how to do that. I could ask my uncle to do it, but just don't feel I should.

I don't know if I should really say this, but I kind of love him for being so good to me, and wish I could find a guy like that my age who would be like he is to me. I tell him a lot of shit, but wish I could tell him that to his face, but just haven't even talked quite like that to anyone. Maybe he will read this and understand. I'm such an ass most of the time, and I know a lot of people hate me, but I do have feelings in here. I really do.

Lammy Is Home

I just came over to pick up some clothes because I am going to stay overnight at mom's house. They found Lammy and I want to spend the night with her because they won't let her come over to my place. She's under house arrest for running away, they said. They found her as she was walking down to the little store, but she never has told them where she was staying or anything. She's only sixteen and it was the school that was raising so much hell.

Mom is acting all innocent like she says she thought Lammy was staying over with me and all that kind of shit. But mom is letting me stay over there tonight to be with her for a while, but the detectives are saying that I am a bad influence on her. Lammy said they did go talk to Pokey, but they can't prove anything right now and she told me not to say anything about him. So I stopped in here to add this real quick before going back over to mom's.

Nothing really exciting to say about what happened Thursday. I just went over and worked a few hours packing shit for Carl, but it wasn't as much fun as it was before. More like just working and got sort of boring. But he pays me and gives me shit. Saint is always with Carl like he is a bodyguard or something, but he just said hi to me and didn't even act hardly like he knew me. Carl just patted me on the back and said I was doing a good job. That's about it for that.

I haven't got to talk a lot to Lammy yet, but we will be together all night. I sure missed her and wish she could come back and stay with me, but she can't. I got to go now.

Are They Watching Me?

It was so great being with my sis Lammy all night at mom's house and we laid in bed and talked all night and laughed about shit and then a couple times we cried, but it was great to see her again. She told me that Ben had come by Pokey's house and talked to her about me and Lammy thinks I should go back with Ben because he loves me so much and shit. I just said he loves to fuck is all and told her about the notebook he made me keep track of when and how we have sex.

We hit some shit I had hid down in my pants and I told Lammy that I fucked Saint and had what they call an orgasm, but didn't have that with Ben. Then she started talking shit about butt fucking and said that Pokey does that and she liked it but I thought that would hurt and all but she said it was just like the needle; that it hurts at first when they stick it in but then it begins to really feel good.

Then I was talking about how nice Saint treated me and how Ben was such a redneck wanting to boss me around and act like he owned me but Lammy just argued that Saint just wanted some white pussy is why he acted nice and all. We went on like that all night and finally fell asleep for a while.

When we got up a police woman or correction officer came by to check on Lammy and said I had to leave and she was limited about visitors because she was under house arrest for running away and the c.o. asked me shit about if I knew who she had been staying with but I didn't say shit like as if I didn't know and she said she knew I knew but I said I didn't. I felt so sorry for Lammy having to sit there in that house like in jail or something and not even any TV or shit.

When I went home I stopped by my uncle's side of the duplex to use his computer to write this and he told me I missed all the excitement last night. He said cops were all over the place chasing that black guy next door. Saint! They arrested him but my uncle didn't know what for. I didn't say anything to him about the task force shit we heard about and wondered if they went after Carl or the others. Then I got a creepy feeling and got scared like maybe they would be coming after me.

I had a strange feeling as I walked from mom's house over here like as if someone was following me but when I stopped to look around I didn't really see anyone, but they can be sneaky. Carl told me they can be invisible when they tail people and I wondered if invisible men were watching me. Something like that movie called Predator with Arnold where the guy from another planet could bend light or something. It sort of bothered me because I noticed something splash in a puddle where it had rained yesterday but I didn't see what made the water splash up. Maybe it was one of them task force that stepped into the puddle or like that.

I've got to watch out because I saw something on TV or someplace that were talking about it is getting like Big Brother more and more but I just thought that was just a silly book or movie or something. My uncle asked me some questions about Saint and me that night I fucked him and that sort of made me feel funny like maybe Uncle Tom is one of them task force things and is trying to get me confess to shit. But he is nice and I think he is on my side even though he keeps harping that I shouldn't take drugs and fuck around like I do. But what am I supposed to do then?

But if they got Carl, too, then I won't have that job packing the dope any more and will have to get out and get a job at a store or something. But maybe I should go back with Ben and maybe get pregnant and then he would have to get an apartment and let me move in with him. I was talking with Lammy last night about what I could name my baby if I had one and she said when she talked to Ben the baby would have to be a boy and named after him.

Ben Comes Back

Some of the guys picked me up and took me to work for Carl. I guess Saint getting arrested had nothing to do with any drug force thing. It didn't have anything to do with drugs but someone has filed an assult and battery warrent against him, but no one knows exactly who it is. He roughs up a lot of people for Carl, especially people who refuse to pay for their shit. There wasn't anything in the paper about it and it all seems so hush hush. Carl was really pissed and said they will have to let us know who filed when Saint goes to court and then someone is really going to be in trouble. Carl doesn't play games if you know what I mean.

And after I came home from work, Ben came over and was all joking and laughing about Saint going to jail. That made me feel uneasy because if it was Ben that filed the warrent, well, I don't really want to think of what they will do to him, and maybe me, too and like that. Ben is staying all night with me tonight after we fucked, well, I lost track. He's like a rabbit, but he will wear down sooner or later. He is asleep right now and I slipped over here to write this real quick and better get back. Maybe I can say more after he goes to work in the morning.

Saturday Morning

Ben never would say one way or other if he was the one who filed a warrant on Saint and he wouldn't even talk about it except to call him racial names. Then he asked me if I fucked Saint and I told him of course not. I told him he was the only guy I have ever been with like that and he grinned and was like, "You better not or else!" and I was like, "Else what?" and he just said "You know." Like he was saying if I knew what was good for me I'd better just be his sex slave alone and not have a life of my own. But I heard he was fucking around while we were apart.

It was an awkward night because I fell asleep but Ben woke me wanting to fuck one more time and then I couldn't go back to sleep because it got me all horny and shit but I didn't have one of them orgasms. Still never had one with him. I wanted to mention to him what my sis Lammy had said about butt-fucking, but it was then I realized that we really can't talk as personally as I thought it was with him. I just didn't know how to bring the subject up to him and just didn't at all. It really made me nervous and I kept thinking about that feeling I got when Saint fucked me.

While I was typing the previous entry, I mentioned to my uncle about not having an orgasm with Ben but did with Saint. I can say anything to my uncle now and that is what I meant when I said I wish I could find a guy my age that was like him who treated me nice and I could say anything. But my uncle just said to think about or imagine I was fucking Saint while I was fucking Ben. Sounded strange at first, but I thought I would try, but I forgot when Ben fucked me again and then it was too late because he didn't fuck me any more that night. I just laid there in bed not able to go to sleep while he snored away until morning.

While I am writing this here comes Uncle Tom and handed me a white plastic bad like they put shit in when I worked at the store and he said Saint threw it in our yard. But it wasn't in the bag when Saint threw it. My uncle had put it in that bag to conceal it. I thought it might be some dope but it was really heavy when I lifted it. I unfolded the top and peeked in then pulled out a gun. Then I let it fall back in the bag. I had never touched a gun before and it seemed strange like when I was a little kid and the first time I touched my step-father's dick.

I told my uncle I didn't want it and he said he didn't want it and that Saint was my friend and I said I just fucked him is all. But finally I said I would take it to Carl the next time I went to work for him, but he is giving me a few days off since I did such a good job and all. So I'll take it and put it over on my side someplace until I see Carl again, but not at a party because we get too stoned and someone might get shot by accident with it.

Now that it is getting daylight, I am going to take a shower and go over to see my sis Lammy because they said I could see her only for about an hour at a time, but could come like in the morning and then in the evening or something like that. Bye.

I had a dream, or was it a dream?

I just woke up and was laying here on the bed naked in the dark. It has to be in the middle of the night, and I was having some weird dream like Barbie dolls and stuffed animals were in my room and one of them they called Dr. Doo Doo gave me a shot. I felt my arm and it is really sore and has blood on it and a bruise. He doesn't give very good shots for a doctor, but in the dream he was a doll and all.

And there was a gangster guy who kept saying they were going to consider me for something called Naked Gymnasts For Jesus or something like that and I didn't get it. I mean I didn't understand what that meant right then, but now I remember sometime Saturday I was on the computer and was reading a blog called Pansi Files about dolls and stuffed animals still having Thanksgiving dinner over a week after it was past.

But I think there were really people in my bedroom and I'm all wet and sticky with that slimy shit all over me like what men shoot when they fuck. It's running out of my low eye onto the bed and making the sheet all wet and sticky.

But in the dream Jesus climbed on top of me and began fucking and I said I thought Jesus was gay or something and didn't fuck. But then he groaned and went on like the holy rollers that worship him and all those dolls and stuffed animals in the room kept yelling "Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming!"

I looked all around and those stuffed animals and dolls looked like people standing around and one of the dolls that is black looked like that girl Leggs who works with me and played that game at that party one time we call "cum-uppens" where we take turns going down on a guy for 30 seconds and see who he comes with first. I found that Saint was her boyfriend and she is jealous because he came while I was sucking instead of her. She keeps calling me a white bitch and like that and I don't know why she wants to throw race into the shit. She's just mad about me making Saint come at the party instead of her and she says I had something to do with him going to jail. The other dolls in the dream kept asking me about Ben and where he lived and all, but I didn't say anything. I don't think so.

I was really scared just now waking up in the dark all naked and shit that slime all over and my arm hurting and bloody, so I ran into the living room and pounded on the wall to signal my uncle. In a little while he came in and was all drowsy and shit where he had been asleep but the dogs woke him when I hit the wall, like that. I hugged him and told him I was really scared because I had a dream but don't know if it was a dream or real and he just went "Yeah, uh huh, okay." and he told me he had washed my clothes and stacked them on my dresser. But I felt too slimy and sticky to put clothes on so I went in to take a shower and he pulled the nasty sheets off my bed and turned the mattress over and made up my bed. I don't know why he does all that shit for me unless he wishes I was his daughter or something like that.

I came back in and dressed while he sat in the living room waiting for me and we came over to his side. He told me he could hear people with me over there but thought they were my friends. Then he went back to bed and I am typing this entry in my blog in the middle of the night. It will be Sunday, or it really is Sunday morning. I was thinking of going to church with Lammy and my friends later this morning. I am starved. I'm going to see what Uncle Tom has in the fridge that I can heat up in the micky-wave. Then I might go back and sleep a little more. Oh, yeah. I think the pansi files is at if I wrote that right. Bye.

Very Sad Sunday

I walked over to mom's and then my sis, Lammy, and I caught the church bus. She wasn't in a very good mood and said that she just couldn't take that shit of being locked up in the house like that.

Later, as we sat in church, Lammy suddenly turned to me and hugged me, then kissed me on the cheek and said she loved me. Then she stood and started toward the side door and I asked where she was going. She just turned to me with a tear running down her face and hugged me again. She kissed me in the mouth and said she loved me, then ran out of the side door.

I sat there for a couple minutes in a daze or something, trying to figure what that was all about, but then the jumping beans began hopping in my stomach again and I ran to the door. When I got out in the parking lot, I saw Pokey's car speeding off. Lammy was inside and waved at me as it turned onto the road and sped out of sight. Tears just seem to squirt out of my eyes. After I got home I told mom about it and she called the police.

I went back to my place and just laid there on the bed and cried for what seemed like hours. I listened to some music, but that began to get boring and just made me think and cry more.

No one called or came around. Not even Ben. I called a few people, but they all seemed to be busy with other things and didn't want to talk much. No one knew where Ben was. I couldn't stand being alone and went over to my uncle's side, but just didn't feel like looking at this stupid computer and all, so I went in his living room and watched TV all afternoon. He talked to me for a little while, but I just didn't feel like talking about anything, so he left me alone.

It's about six in the evening now on this dreary sad Sunday as I thought I'd make a note, but don't even feel like fooling with this thing. I guess I'll just go over and lay down for a while or something on my side of the duplex. Maybe Ben will come by.

Monday Blues

It's Monday morning and I walked back over to mom's to see if she heard anything about Lammy, but she just got all over my ass and said that I was the adult now and that I should have been watching over my kid sister, but I didn't know anything about what she was going to do until she did it. And I couldn't stop her. But mom always wants to put me down and blame me.

I just left and walked around in the cold for a long time. It was freezing out there, but I felt numb inside and just didn't care. It felt so lonely walking like that passing houses and wondering what they were doing in there.

When I was in school I had all kinds of friends all the time, but now it seems like I don't have any anymore. They are all working and getting married and having babies and stuff. I wish Ben would get me pregnant and then I could go live with him. Just thinking.

When I got back to my place I tried to unlock my door but my hands were so cold I just couldn't do it, and I couldn't see with the tears all froze up like over my eyeballs. I knocked on my uncle's door and he helped me get in and I sat over the register warming my hands and rubbing them together. He wiped the tears from my face with the back of his hand and said my cheeks felt like frozen leather. He offered to fix me something to eat if I wanted to come over, but I wanted to stay alone and he said if I needed anything just hit the wall.

I was kind of glad when he finally left, but I wondered what I would do if it wasn't for him helping me. Why couldn't Ben be like that? But hell, I'll take Ben as he is right now I'm so lonely and feel so hollow inside and like that.

I looked around to see where I hid my pot and opened the drawer of the bed stand and saw that gun that Saint threw in our yard. I wonder if it really was Ben that filed a warrant on him.

I reached in and touched the gun and it was so cold and when I picked it up it was a whole lot heavier than I thought a gun would be. It shook in my hands as I rubbed it and it made me feel so strange with a scared like feeling as I examined it.

I looked into the opening at the end and imagined a bullet coming out with a loud sound and smoke and all and the bullet spun in slow motion as it moved through the air toward my forehead.

I dropped the thing and was breathing really fast and deep. I quickly picked it back up and put it back in the drawer and slammed it shut.

I just keep thinking about Ben and wondering where he is and if he is okay and wish he would come by.

My arm is sore where someone gave me that shot the other night and I still can't remember what really happened there.

And I am so hurting about my little sister running off again. But in a way I wish I could have gone with her and get away from all this and take care of her, but hell, I can't take care of myself.

So this Monday morning after going over to mom's I just laid on the bed and stared at the blank ceiling and saw a collage of images flashing. It was my little sis playing with that Lamb Chop puppet, Ben bringing me flowers, my sis Lammy taking my pictures, my Uncle Tom being all awkward saying "Yeah, uh huh, okay", my cousins and me singing "Fuck me baby one more time!", Ben and Jason jumping over church pews, the youth councilor kicking me out of church, seeing the video of me going down on the district manager to get a job, getting fired, playing cum-uppens at a party, Ben hitting me with his fist, Carl hitting Ben, my first orgasm when I fucked Saint, the Iguana coming out of the toilet, Dr. Doo Doo giving me a shot, Jesus fucking me and dolls and stuffed animals yelling "Jesus is coming!", shadows on my window at night, walking alone down the street, my sis hugging and kissing me and then running out the door, my mom saying I'm no good, a bullet coming out of the gun in slow motion toward my head, and like that. Yes, and like that.

I looked down at the floor and saw something sticking out from under the bed. I dropped my head down to look and it was the hypo needle. There was still something in it and a tiny bit of my blood swirling in it. I put it in the drawer with the gun and came over here to write this. Now I'll go back over. Yes, and like that.

Eat my head
My brain is bread
That's what I said
I'm already dead



And that was the end of her blog. Lula went back to her side of the duplex that night, but was never seen or heard from again. The gun and dirty needle were missing. She must have taken them with her, where ever she went. We don't know if she was kidnapped or just ran off somewhere. The blog ended in December 2005. I have started one I call Growing Up Lammy about the mystery of what has happened to my sister, Lula.