| Two detectives were sent on a burglary call. They came upon a nice house in a middle-class neighborhood, not frar from their own homes. It was about five-thirty and the victim had just returned from work. The sliding glass door had been pried open and they went inside. When asked if any belongings were missing from the home, the man replied that someone had stolen his marijuana. "Could you repeat that, sir," the detectives asked. The victim's eyes got bigger as the cold, hard realization hit him. He had just admitted to the police that he possessed an illegal drug. He stammered for a moment in search of an out. There was none. "Are you admitting to possessing marijuana?" the detectives asked. The man appeasred to be frozen in time. H e couldn't take the words back, and he couldn't think of anything to say. "Well....... nothing, uh..... i...... oh, never mind," the man said. "Just forget it." The officers turned and left as the man quietly closed the door. Without the dope, they didn't have a case against him, but we had a good laugh. ------------------------------------------------------ At his criminal arraignment, the defendant stood before the judge. "You are charged with the theft of an automobile," the judge said. "How do you plead?" He expected to hear a simple "guilty" or "not guilty". Instead, the defendant tried to explain his whole defense as succinctly as possible. "Before we go any further, judge," the accused man blurted out, "let me explain why I stole the car." The judge's decision was made in record time. ------------------------------------------------------ The police had a call informing them that a woman had her purse stolen from a shopping complex. A short time later, they saw a man who fit the description given to us by the victim. They apicked him up and took him ac k to the scene of the crime. It was explained to the suspect that they were going to take him back to the scene and when they arrived he was to exit the vehicle and face the victim for a positive identification. When they arrived on the scene, the suspect did exactly as he had been told. He stepped from the catr and looked up at the victim, and before anyone could say anything, he blurted out, "Yeah, that's her.... that's the woman I robbed!" ------------------------------------------------------ A man was sentenced to ninety days in jail for disorderly conduct, a fairly minor offense. While in jail he toiled over his plans to escape and finally accomplished his feat. On the next-to-last day of his sentence, he broke out of jail only to be caught in five minutes. When re-arrested, he was sentenced to eighteen months in jail. ----------------------------------------------------- Two police officers were dispatched to pick up a man for cashing a stolen check. As they arrived at the man's house, his dog started barking at them. The man came around from the back yard to see why the dog was barking. "Mr Norton, we have a warrant for your arrest for receiving and cashing a stolen check." said one of the officers. "Nahhhhh, you've got the wrong man." he said, shasking his head. I never cashed a stolen check in my life." "Well, sir," the officer said, while holding up the check from the bank. "On the back, you wrote your own name and you provided the teller with your driver's license, complete with your home address. ------------------------------------------------------ It was a classic case of love gone wrong. In this case, she really tried to let him down easy, but he was distraught. He was fumingh as he ran out of her kitchen and into the night. He ran into the fields and saw a weapon. He ran back to his girlfriend's house. He chased his girlfriend around with a large snapping turtle. He caught her but couldn't get the turtle to bite her. The girl called the police. When the officers arrived they disarmed, deturtled?, the guy and arrested him for assault with a reptile. Juliet thought the big turtle was cute, and she was grateful that he hadn't bitten her. The girl and the turtle are still together and living happily ever after. ------------------------------------------------------ With her Oregon State Lottery ticket in hand, Alice Krumm stood staring at the winning numbers posted on the cash register. So close but not quite. The ticket she had just bought was only one digit away from the twenty-dollar winning number. For once in her life, Alice wanted to be a winner. Alice struggled with her greed for a long minute before finally giving in. Creeping around behind the baked beans and canned goods, she altered her lottery ticket with a ballpoint pen to win the twenty dollars, then returned to the counter to collect her ill-gotten prize. She should have worked a little harder on her forgery. The clerk spotted it immediately and called the police. The dishonest lottery player was arrested on the spot and charged with fraud. Then the arresting officer made an interesting discovery. He found the real number under her bad forgery. His revelation made her feel even dumber. Had she looked further up on the chart of winning numbers, she would have discovered that her original ticket number had also been a winner - for five thousand dollars! ------------------------------------------------------ One crook had a bright idea to rob a branch of a bank. He had an even brighter idea for a low-cost, low-fat, completely disposable disguise. He would cover his entire head with whipped cream. Congratulating himself on a wonderful idea, he walked into the bank and approached the teller. The employees' response to his disguise was just the opposiet of what he wanted. When he said, "Put all your money in the sack," the giggles dissolved into open laughter. By this time the whipped cream was getting warm and beginning to slide. The teller had long ago punched the silent alarm. The police arrived and took the rapidly melting bank robber to a refrigerated cell. ------------------------------------------------------- Rhode Island police were sure they had the right man when the suspect charged with a stringof vending machine robberies paid his four-hundred-dollar bail entirely with quarters. ------------------------------------------------------- An officer fired at a bearded burglary suspect. The fleeing felon was unhurt, but the bullet tore a hole in the man's shirt as it flapped in the breeze. The criminal escaped. Immediately afterward, he shaved his beard to fool the police and whent right to the police station to report that his car had been stolen. he was arrested on the spot. In his haste he had cut himself shaving, so his face was a bloody mess. Oh, and he also forgot to change the shirt that had the bullet hole in it. |
| Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest |
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