Golf

your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British open on Saturday night.

you say you hate the game but you play the next day.

you see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.

you secretly wish bad luck on your mates.

the golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.

you cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on Sunday.

your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.

your bathroom is full of golf magazines.

you make small practice swings while in church listening to the sermon.

you are proud of your sunburn.

you could open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.

ten inches of snow has no effect on your plans to play.

if your caddy mentions lightning, and you say, "what lightning?"

you go to the driving range every day and try to give golf tips to the person in the next stall.

your bumper sticker reads, "My other car is a golf cart!"

people in your family get their supply of sunscreen from you when they go swimming.

a day at the beach means you hit into too many sand traps.

your spouse complains when you take your golf clubs to bed. (You're only trying to keep them safe, warm and dry, of course) When she says it's her or the clubs and you hesitate before answering.

you took the time to read this.
****

Just remember that golf is flog spelled backwards.
-Milton Berle

Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six and write down five.
-Paul Harvey

I shoot golf in the low 70's. If it gets any colder, I quit.

Golf is a lot of walking broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

Golf ruins a good walk.

Arnold Palmer is the greatest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.
-Bob Hope.

Man blames fate for accidents but will take credit for a hole in one.

Prayer never seems to work for me on the golf course. I think it has something to do with my bieng a terrible putter.
-Rev Billy Graham

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just now childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
-John Updike

Give my my golf clubs, fresh air, a beautiful partner, and you can keep the golf clubs and the fresh air.
-Jack Benny

There's an old saying: if a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockleburrs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot.
-Sam Snead

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
-H.G. Wells

Never bet with anyone you meet on the first twee who has a deep suntan, a one-iron in his bag and squinty eyes.
-Davey Marr

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway. That way you don't waste energy going back to pick it up.
-tommy Bolt