NOTE: Many of Richard Lederer's essays and books have been dissected and put on the web for years. I find his writings funnier when they are all together. Please do not take this or any of his other writings without giving the author credit.

English Is A Crazy Language By: Richard Lederer

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented by the English or French fries by the French. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So, one mouse, two meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while wise man and a wise guy are opposites? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

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