One-Liners

Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

Do you know the best way for a guy to impress a girl at the gym? Do pull-ups. Pull up in a Corvette, pull up in a Rolls Royce....

Don't expect the best gifts to come in pretty paper.

It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful

Into each life some rain must fall, but some people go around seeding the clouds.

A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

There are three kinds of liars, men, women, and stastics.

The biggest trouble with having the gift of gab is wrapping it up.

When trouble arrises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a soluti9n and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy.

Now that the holidays are over I figure that I'm about 90 days ahead on my calories and 90 days behind in my bills.

When someone says, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put in your two cents, where does the other penny go?

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money!

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

I'm going to live forever, or die trying.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and drove the mime nextdoor nuts.

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in "lisp?"

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said the whole time.

Crazy is a relative term in my family.

I cleaned my house yesterday. I wish you could've seen it.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

I've always been crazy. It keeps me from going insane.

Space is a dangerous place, especially when it's between one's ears.

I have a game plan. I just don't have a game.

Better living through denial.

Finns have more steam.

Welcome to Earth a subsidiary of Microsoft.

Happiness is being married to a gunman.

Rest assured that all your effort and hard work will go unnoticed.

I hate perky people.

People who want by the mile but try by the inch should be kicked by the foot.

No more Mr. Nice Clone.

Self-unemployeed.

I wish I was here.

Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.

People who think they're out of this world make you wish they were.

If vegetairans love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

A true friend knows who you are and likes you anyway.