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| 1941-2007 |
| DR. FINKLEBONK'S TRIBUTE TO THE SUPERPOWERED |
| America has lost a hero. Luckily for us, we live in Sweden. Here in Sweden there are no overdressed young men in tight, tight pants hopping from rooftop to rooftop, ensuring that bank robbers are brought to justice. We don't have bank robbers here. Our banks are impenetrable. Just ask the gentlemen who stole The Scream. No, no. Only Americans would get into the goofy mess of allowing costumed vigilentes- who are all over compensating for foul body odor- to blow up a city, and then fight over what to do about it. This is not to say that there are no superhumans in Sweden! Oh no. There is a man down the street who regularly sets his toes on fire and cannot feel it. I do not joke. His wife often has to beat out his feet with a broom. I myself have some special talents, the first of which is bending the time-space continuum, and continuing through eating a pound cake and stiching buttons simultaneously. Personally, this superpowered Swede would prefer fishing to crime fighting. Ah, but this "Captain America." It is a shame he had to die. It is a shame when anyone has to die. Goldfish die all the time and no one mourns them. A very sad predicament in this world today... Don't you agree? Almost as bad the the shortage of doughnuts with strawberry icing. And is it not also absurd the way "doughnuts" is, of course in America, being shortened to "donut?" There are many reasons in this world to be sad. Not the least of which is the death of a character with little fashion sense. At least his costume is not as dreadfully primary as that fellow in the red underwear's is. Blech! My grandmother's red, yellow, and blue curtains were not so hideous! Luckily, she left them in her will to my cousin in America so they will no longer embarass my country! Forgive me, but I shall need to cut my tribute short. I have an appointment at the bank, and my millions must not be kept waiting! Chao Captain America! |
| Dr. Finklebonk apologizes for the statement above. It was written in Sweden by a supermodel who has been stalking the good Doctor. He claims no responsibilty for it, and would delete it immediately if it were not specially encoded into this webpage with a threatening message stateing that its removal would not only bring down this website, but it would also cause flowered panties to jump out of the Doctor's CD drive, and collapse the world economy. Dr. Finklebonk's real tribute to Captain America and his fellow body-sock clad crime fighters appears below. |
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| Distressing news reached us March 8th. Captain America, our champion for truth, justice, and all that stuff (for Timely anyway) has passed on. He was most certainly killed, on the steps of that courthouse, shackled like a common criminal, for his involvement with the underground resistence movement to the Superhuman Registration Act. His death comes as a great blow to us all, but I think we can all agree that a legal battle over Cap's body would be far more interesting on cable than the Anna Nicole Smith trial. Captain America's death also brings up another valid question. Who will take his place? The Marvel Universe cannot be without it's champion! Especially now that Iron Man, Spiderman, and Mr. Fantastic have proven to be government pussies. To solve this problem, I suggest a reality television program, to hosted by Stan Lee and an octopus (named Billy) called Who Wants to be Captain America? Again, 'twould be more informative than the obvious celebrity cotton candy on CSPAN. Contestants such as The Falcon, The Winter Soldier, The Incredible Hulk, Batmite, and Mr. Mxyzptlk would don the star spangled (well, star-printed-in-the-center...ed) costume and save sleazy bums for our after-work entertainment! Maybe one of the challenges would be to see which hero could make a bunch of fat kids lose the most weight! I really think this would help garner some brownie points for the resistance movement. "There!" The people of America would say. "Now we'll have a Captain America who stands for what America is really all about!" Then the people would flip through the channels one more time, send a useless text message to their mother/aunt/boyfriend/pet squeaky-shark-dog-toy, and walk five steps to the kitchen where a convenient recliner sits in front of the cabinet with the Doritos. Honestly, people just don't appreciate superheroes these days. It was nice to see Cap's obit on the main page for the NY Times website, and I seem to remember Spiderman's unvealing getting a fair bit of press. But does anyone stop to think about what superheroes have really given us? They are symbols of the best in all of us! (To put it as my Kindergarten teacher would have.) But more importantly, they have big tits. |
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| Mhmm... |
| Without superheroes we also may not have jokes about wearing underwear outside your pants. |
| We definitely wouldn't have Mohinder Suresh... |
| Or possibly the "bishiest" as modern fangirls would say, of all male love triangle of this generation.... |
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| And we certainly never would have discovered that sideburns CAN be done right. |
| ANYWHHHHERE! YOU GO! LET ME GO TOOOOOOOOOO! CHRIS-TINE! THAT'S ALL I AAASSSSK OF- |
| See, if there had been superheroes around in France in the Phantom of the Opera's day, someone could have swooped down and caught that chandelier. Luckliy, superheroes are a recent invention of the ancient Greeks. Kind of like Reeboks. The point is, you don't know what you got 'til its gone, right? Such was my experience when I tried to purchase a copy of Captain America's death. I've never liked him, but now he's dead and I miss him. Just like the rest of us. Don't ignore your superheroes, or they WILL go away. Do something nice for them. Write them a letter thanking them for rescuing your cat from the kind man with the shotgun. Bake them a pound cake. Superheroes like pound cake. They've done studies on this. The participants were all carefully strapped to operating tables... |
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| The good Doctor will take you home. |