>I just recently heard from my father for the first time in like 15? 20? years. he's a minister now. I suppose this is supposed to impress me or something. it doesn't. Since he and his new wife, darlene came into my life, I have felt persecuted in ways i never was before. It took me this long to get some self-esteem. i t seems sad to me that these people who are more or less complete strangers think they have the right to try to crush this self-esteem in the name of their god, when their whole lives, & ministry is based around a denial.

I haven't told many people this story. A few friends, my therapist, & at the time a few of my teachers. And I guess as opposed to some women, my experience was pretty tame. But it's left a lasting mark on my mental well being, and on my sexuality. Is it any wonder, i suppose, that this particular person would be the one ruining my life again? He's probably come back to finish what he started. My father molested me when I was a kid. He never had actual sex with me, & I suppose I should be glad of that. But it was still devastating nonetheless. I have since had all matter of mental disorders, & have always been shy of men. For the longest time I was gay, because i just didn't want to be with men at all. It started about when I was 7? 8? He would sit me down when my mom was not home, & tell me about the birds & the bees, draw me pictures, show me his porno mags. All with that usual statement after "don't tell your mom about this, ok? It's between you & me."

Don't tell. Because of course, the implication was, no one will ever believe YOU.

Later when he & my mom divorced I got left with him for some amount of time, I don't know exactly how long, because of course my memory IS foggy. Things to blot out, I suppose.He had magazines of S&M and when he would punish me for bad things both real & made up for his own amusement he would spank me, hard, bare-assed, telling me I "liked" it. He fancied himself an artist, & he would make me pose naked for him to sketch. He would not let me wash myself, & the only baths I took would be with him cleaning me. As a result, i got very scruffy & dirty, because obviously I did not want baths. he never bought me any new clothes after my mother left & I >had her old hand-me-downs to wear to school. I was teased a lot, in >those days, for being so ugly & dirty. But of course, who could I tell? >I got more & more withdrawn. Still am, more or less, to this day.

>So now this man contacted me again, & he wants me to accept him as >"daddy" again. i told him I really don't need a daddy, & it's true, I >don't. Not necessarily as a snub, but because whatever a child needs >from a father is in its formative years, & I'm an adult now. But of >course he won't accept that. His wife sends me all these guilt-trippy >hateful letters, because of course HE won't write me, I offend him so >much. I'm a liar, a slut, a dyke, a junkie. She does not approve of my >lifestyle & holds the threat of cutting me off from my family. > Of course, this hurts. It hurts most of all because at various times in >my life i HAVE been all of these things, but at least I had the honesty >to own up to them, to accept them, to try to get myself together. These >people expect that because they have become born-again, somehow this >makes them better than me.

>I don't want to start a great theological discussion over this, but it >just seems to me that so called followers of jesus, a man who preached >love & forgiveness, really have no right to be judging & condemning >anyone. Isn't judging allegedly God's job? >I'm not going to lump my father & stepmom in with the kind of christians >who bomb abortion clinics & gay bars, but in the way they are attempting >to ruin my life, they are. I want so much to do something to shut them >up, to shame them, to expose the lies & denials they live under in the >name of God. To goto their church & yell it in the pulpit, to sue them >for mental damages. To take them on jerry Springer. >But i'm not going to do any of that. >I let them talk to me in the first place instead of turning them away >outright because i DO believe in love & forgiveness, even tho I am NOT a >Christian. Not that I don't believe in Jesus, but that I don't believe >in the label "Christian" as our society perceives it. To be a Christian >means to be a follower of Christ & his teachings, to try to be >Christ-like in life. So it's not for me to judge them. But how can I >live with their lies burning inside of me. So I'm goign against that >annoying, evil order "don't tell" I'm telling. I'm telling anyone who >wants to read the story. >And I hope some of you have some idea what I should do to get them to >leave me alone if they can't stop judging me. >