MJ:"Hello there fans and welcome to
another edition of Monday Night Mayhem!"
(Once again fireworks shoot from the ringposts and explode above the ring.)
MJ:"We are live here from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, Georgia! Once again we have an amazing night of USCW action ahead of us. We will find out tonight who the two men will be that will battle for the USCW Heavyweight Championship, just two weeks away at USCW Memphis In May! In addition to those two huge tournament matches, we will see the anticipated debut of the monster Colossus. And speaking of anticipation, there is already an electricity in the arena. The fans want to see Sweardog McCrackin and The Lineman take on Apollo and Hades, The Immortals. Joining me as usual is Earl Backwater."
Backwater:"The fans aren't the only ones who are looking forward to this night. This is our strongest show lineup yet. I can't wait to see these matches. The main event of Thunderbolt Lightfoot and Sniper is also a huge match. But will Sniper even be able to be here? Last we heard he was in jail in Houston. Will he show up tonight? Nobody knows. This night will be huge in determining what will happen at the USCW's return to Pay Per View, USCW Memphis In May."
MJ:"Right you are Earl. This has to be one of the biggest nights in USCW history."
(A clown wearing a large jester hat moves behind the broadcast booth. He is giving out balloons and selling candy to the kids in the audience. He walks directly behind where MJ is sitting at the desk.)
MJ:"Ouch! Watch it clown! I swear that clown just elbowed me in the back on purpose!"
Backwater:"Don't be ridiculous MJ. He's just passing out balloons and candy. It was an accident. But on a seperate note, who brings kids to USCW shows? Can you say dysfunctional?"
(The lights dim in the arena. After a few seconds, a message in white against a black background shows on the Jumbotron. It reads "Hard Hitten" and I ain't Even Shitten!!! "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds starts to play as Marcus Whitten walk out, once again pulling a cooler down towards the ringside area. He has on jeans and steel toe boots, with a t-shirt that reads "Hired Help".)
MJ:"Here we go again with Whitten coming down to the ring. He really should have to buy a ticket to sit ringside."
Backwater:"Whitten is a superstar. He can do what he wants. Besides, it doesn't look like he has his lawn chair. It looks like he is walking over this way."
(Whitten rolls his cooler around the back of the desk, grabs a pair of headphones, and sits down next to MJ and Earl. He grabs a Natural Light from the cooler, cracks it open and takes a sip before speaking.)
Whitten:"Evening fellas. Since this is such a boring show tonight, I thought I would spice it up a little bit."
MJ:"Boring show? This is one of the best shows we've ever had!"
Whitten:"Well, that couldn't be true because I don't have a match tonight. But now that I'm announcing, it just went up a notch."
MJ:"Well, we certainly feel priviledged. Fans, we are ready for the first match of the night. And it's an anticipated debut. Let's take it down to Cindy for the introductions. Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, weighing in at 210 pounds, Tsuyoshi Sakuraba!"
(Sakuraba turns a backflip in the ring.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 350 pounds, Colossus!"
("Unforgiven II" by Metallica plays as Colossus emerges from the back and makes his way down to the ring.)
MJ:"What a huge man. I'm eager to see what Colossus can do."
Backwater:"Me too. From what I've heard, he has trained for years now just for this very moment. I would be willing to bet he takes advantage of it."
Whitten:"If he's done all this "training" for years and can beat Tsuyoshi, he needs a new trainer."
MJ:"The bell rings and we are underway. Sakuraba charges at Colossus and tries a flying drop kick! But look at that! Unbelievable!"
Backwater:"Colossus just caught Sakuraba in midair! And now he lifts and presses him up over his head!"
MJ:"Sakuraba has to be eight feet or more up above the ring. And now Colossus just steps forward and lets Sakuraba crash down to the mat!"
Backwater:"This one looks like it will be over early."
Whitten:"The kid has potential. If I took him under my wing, he might could make something out of himself in this league. And I could definately show him the ropes, for the right price of course."
MJ:"Colossus has Sakuraba back up now and slaps on a full nelson. He lifts Sakuraba up and over his head, slamming Sakuraba headfirst to the mat and bridges it into a pin! That is the Lockdown!
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3!! Colossus easily wins his debut!"
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, Colossus!"
MJ:"A quick and easy win for Collossus in his USCW debut. And what's this. Colossus has climbed out of the ring is is walking over to our broadcast location!"
(Colossus walks over to the desk. He stares down Whitten. Whitten stands up and stares back. The two move closer and are almost nose to nose when Colossus quickly bends down and snatches a Natural Light out of the cooler. He opens it, slams the beer, crushes the can with his hand and tosses it to Whitten before heading to the back.)
Backwater:"Hey, how come everybody around here can drink but me?"
MJ:"Your opinions often sound like they are coming from a drunk person so I don't suppose it would make much difference."
(Whitten sits back down.)
Whitten:"Of course I was going to offer you one Earl. I don't mind sharing my beer. As long as somebody asks first. Not like Colossus there. That was fucked up."
MJ:"It wasn't that bad Marcus."
Whitten:"Nah. That's fucked up like a cricket in a hubcap."
Backwater:"What? What does that mean?"
Whitten:"You ever had a cricket in your hubcap?"
Backwater:"No, Hard Hitten, I can't say that I have."
Whitten:"Well just trust me. It's fucked up."
Backwater:"I believe it. While we have you down here Marcus, I have a question."
Whitten:"Shoot."
Backwater:"What's the deal with all the hate between you and the Immortals? Do you think you might have run into those guys during your days as a bouncer?"
Whitten:"Well I doubt that Earl. I've never worked gay clubs."
MJ:"Will you two cut it out with the comedy routine. We are ready for our next match. Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, at a combined weight of 510lbs and accompanied to the ring by Persephone, Apollo and Hades, The Immortals!"
("Crossroads" by Bone Thugs & Harmony starts to play as Apollo and Hades emerge from the back. Apollo has switched from his white toga to a dark black one. Persephone is with them, dressed in tight black jeans and a low cut black shirt exposing an ample amount of cleavage.)
CM:"And their opponents, at a combined weight of 630lbs and accompanied by Ms. Kitty, The Lineman and Smackin' Sweardog McKrackin!"
("Another One Bites The Dust" plays as the crowd cheers the arrival of Sweardog and The Lineman. They climb into the ring and stare down The Immortals.)
Whitten:"Well fellas. Time for me to stir the pot. Excuse me."
(Whitten moves out from behind the announcer's desk. He climbs into the ring and takes Cindy Maxwell's microphone. All four of the match participants are in the ring and stare at Whitten as he begins to speak.)
Whitten:"What do we have here? A match consisting of two wannabe wrestlers, and two never will be wrestlers. Good thing I showed up tonight, someone had to give the fans something to cheer about."
(Some fans do cheer but the majority boo loudly.)
Whitten:"Let's face it folks, nobody cares who wins this match, because nobody is in this match. It's too bad nobody took me up on my offer for a tag team partner, or I'd be wrestling The Immortals tonight. Oh well, since I really don't need a partner, how bout we see if I can get the contract signed for a little one on two match, handicap style? I'll show you what this "club muscle" is all about, what do you think?"
(Hade sneers and lunges towards Whitten but Apollo holds him back as Whitten continues.)
Whitten:"Immortals, you dared me to come down to this ring and here I stand. I figure you got two options, either we can go right here, and I'll give you two a good ole fashioned country ass whoopin'. Or we can save it for a future time. It's up to you boys, don't talk about it, be about it. Make a move bitches!!!"
(Apollo is about to turn Hades loose when "Crazy Train" cranks up over the arena speakers. The wrestlers all turn to see "Lightning" Scott Baxter step out onto the ramp. The music fades and Baxter pulls out a wireless mic.)
LSB:"Well, well, well. It seems once again somebody seems to think they can do a better job than me at matchmaking. Marcus Whitten, you have guts calling out both the Immortals at once. I'll give you that. But guts and brains are different. And sometimes I wonder if you have a decent supply of the latter. You'll get your shot at the Immortals. But it won't be tonight. Two weeks from tonight, the USCW is hosting an event that will be broadcast on HBO Sports Pay Per View, USCW Memphis In May."
(The crowd cheers loudly at the mention of the event.)
LSB:"Already scheduled for that night is the finals of the World Title tournament. Well, I'm adding a new match to that schedule. On Sunday, May 21st, from the Pyramid in Memphis, The Immortals will have a rematch of tonight's match with Sweardog McKrackin and The Lineman, only this time, the World Tag Team Championship will be on the line!"
(The crowd reacts with cheers once again.)
LSB:"Now you might wonder where that leaves you Whitten. Well don't worry old friend I have plans for you. You want a piece of the Immortals so you will also be in that match for the World Tag Team Championship. And since you seem to have struck up such a nice relationship with him, Colossus will join you as your tag team partner in a triple threat tag match for the World Tag Team Titles!"
(The crowd really explodes this time as all five men in the ring react with surprise.)
LSB:"Now because I know you all too well, I am also ordering that Marcus Whitten is banned from the ringside area for this match."
Whitten:"But I have money on this fight!"
LSB:"And I've got my eye on you. As much as you'd like it to be, this isn't Monday Night Whitten. It's Mayhem. And you've gotten enough face time. So pack up your cooler and head to the back."
(Whitten gives a cold look before climbing out of the ring and grabbing his cooler.)
LSB:"Now, you four give this crowd a preview of Memphis In May!"
(Baxter walks into the back, followed shortly by Whitten and his cooler.)
MJ:"Wow, what a bombshell dropped right before this match gets underway. A three way match at Memphis In May for the World Tag Team Titles! Woah, the men in the ring are excited also, because they just started brawling!
Backwater:"The ref is trying to restore order but this one is out of hand!"
MJ:"Wow, this actually is Mayhem. I don't think they are going to get this brawl under control. Look at this!"
Backwater:"Is that the Caveman? With a bunch of flowers?"
MJ:"The Caveman is ringside and just gave some flowers to Persephone. How bizarre. Meanwhile in the ring, the brawl continues."
Backwater:"And now look at this! It's Colossus! Colossus is coming to ringside. He is now involved in that big three way match. I wonder what he is doing down here."
MJ:"The Caveman smiles and backs away as Colossus makes his way to ringside. The Lineman and Hades are brawling near one corner and Colossus approaches the corner. He reaches out and grabs Hades by the foot! Hades is distracted and The Lineman takes advantage by connecting on a big right had that sends Hades down to the mat."
Backwater:"Apollo has gained the advantage on Sweardog on the other side of the ring. He takes Sweardog down and is locking on the Achilles Heel!"
MJ:"The Lineman runs over and makes the save by kicking Apollo away from Sweardog. But Hades is back up and attacks The Lineman from behind. Apollo jumps back up and the Immortals doubleteam The Lineman and double clothesline him up and over the top rope! And now it's Sweardog's turn! He goes up and over the top rope!"
Backwater"The ref has seen enough. He is calling for the bell."
CM:"The match has been declared a no contest!"
MJ:"USCW security is flooding the area now as The Lineman and Sweardog try to get back into the ring but they are being held back by security. What was the deal with Colossus? He distracted Hades and then walked to the back. Was he trying to help Sweardog and Lineman?"
(The USCW security convinces Sweardog and Lineman to head to the back as Hades and Apollo taunt them in the ring. Then Apollo and Hades climb out of the ring. Hades sees Persephone with flowers and stares over at Earl Backwater.)
Backwater:"Wait a minute. I didn't give her those flowers. I didn't even mention her tonight. Even with the top half of her rather large boobs hanging out of her shirt."
(Hades walks over and gives Backwater a headbutt to the forehead. Hades laughs at the stunned Backwater and walks to the back with Apollo.)
MJ:"Partner, are you ok? That was quite a blow."
(Earl just stares off into space.)
(As Apollo and Hades head towards the back, the clown from earlier walks over to the rails and get their attention. Apollo walks over and suddenly a stream of water comes shooting from the flower on the clown's shirt and hits Apollo in the face. The clown pulls on his suspenders and dances around before quickly making his exit. Apollo wipes his face before he and Hades head backstage.)
MJ:"Man, that clown in annoying. Did you see that Earl?"
(Earl just stares off into space.)
MJ:"Well, I hope he comes back around fans. Because we don't have time to wait. It's time for our first semi-final match. Let's take it down to Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall and is a semi-final fight in the World Title tournament. Introducing first, weighing in at 160lbs and accompanied to the ring by Downtown Jimmy Brown, Secshun Ate!"
("The Ghetto" by Too Short starts to play as Secshun Ate comes strutting out from the back with Jimmy Brown. He struts his way down to the ring in tattered old clothes, and of course, his brand new Air Jordans.)
Backwater:"Wow, Secshun Ate has put on twenty pounds."
MJ:"Ah, you're back."
Backwater:"Where did I go?"
MJ:"Nevermind. I guess a USCW paycheck has allowed Secshun Ate to start eating better."
Backwater:"That or he stole another Tyson Chicken truck."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 250lbs and accompanied to the ring by Aphrodite, Captain Caveman!"
(Congo drums start to play as dinosaur noises fill the arena. The Caveman walks out first and struts down to the ring. Aphrodite comes out shortly after him, making dissaproving faces as they make their way to the ring.)
MJ:"Aphrodite looks none too pleased with Captain Caveman."
Backwater:"Why should she? Don't you watch Cheaters?"
MJ:"The bell rings and this semi-final match is underway. This should be the battle of the headbutt. Both men utilize headbutts as a major part of their offensive arsenal."
Backwater:"So whoever is the most hard headed should win."
MJ:"Funny. Secshun Ate and the Caveman circle each other. Once again, as in his last match, Secshun Ate is dancing around the ring avoiding contact. They finally come together and slam into each other with a double headbutt! Both men are dazed!"
Backwater:"This match won't last long if that keeps up."
MJ:"Captain Caveman shakes out the cobwebs and grabs Secshun Ate. He whips him into the ropes and then connects on a big forearm to the head as Secshun Ate bounces back towards him. Captain Caveman goes for a quick cover!
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No. Sechsun Ate kicks out."
Backwater:"Captain Caveman picks him back up and Secshun Ate quickly slips away and rolls to the outside of the ring."
MJ:"Secshun Ate is developing a reputation for avoiding wrestling as much as possible. Captain Caveman is looking confused inside the ring now as Secshun Ate looks for a good place to roll back inside the ring."
Backwater:"What the......."
(From the back four men come streaking down the ramp. Three of them are pushing shopping carts and all of them have squeegees and windex. The fourth man is actually inside one of the shopping carts. They are all dressed in ragged old clothes and don't appear to have bathed in quite some time.)
MJ:"Look at the sign one of those guys is holding. "Bum Squad". I think I recognize some of those guys from interviews I've seen with Secshun Ate. Secshun Ate has slid back into the ring now and is about to lock up with Captain Caveman.
Backwater:"And look at this "Bum Squad", they are panhandling for change with everyone in the front row. And what in the world is that smell? That clown needs to come back around and spray these guys with some water. And follow it up with some soap."
MJ:"This time Secshun Ate has taken the advantage. He connects on a series of jabs and right hands to stun the Caveman. He quickly scoots to the top turnbuckle and comes jumping off and connects a flying headbutt to the still stunned Caveman. Sechsun Ate goes for a cover!
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No! Captain Caveman gets a shoulder up at the last second."
(The crowd starts to boo as Apollo steps out from the back in his black toga and stares down at the ring area. He has a look of complete hate in his eyes as he stares down Captain Caveman and avoids looking at Aphrodite.)
MJ:"Apollo is here and it's obvious that he is not done thinking about Captain Caveman."
Backwater:"Well, the Caveman knocked him out of this tournament with the help of outside interference. That can't sit well with a man like Apollo."
MJ:"It's obvious that Apollo is trying to garner the Caveman's attention but as usual, Captain Caveman seems oblivious to anything outside the ring. Secshun Ate has Captain Caveman up now and whips him into the ropes. He goes for a clothesline as the Caveman comes back but Captain Caveman ducks the clothesline and bounces off the far side ropes. Caveman Clothesline!"
Backwater:"Apollo has started making his way towards the ring now and is starting to shout at Captain Caveman but it doesn't seem to be having much affect."
MJ:"Captain Caveman climbs to the top rope. He leaps and connects on the Dino Drop! This could be it! Captain Caveman goes for a cover.
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3!!! Captain Caveman wins!"
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, Captain Caveman!"
Backwater:"Apollo looks disgusted now as two of the bums come up asking him for money. He sends them away and turns to head towards the back. I think he was planning on distracting Captain Caveman. But nothing he was doing would work. I think a tornado could be blowing around the ringside area and the Caveman wouldn't notice."
(The Caveman makes his way to the back with Aphrodite still walking behind him and frowning. The Bum Squad grab Secshun Ate and put him in a shopping cart and push him back up the ramp.)
MJ:"Captain Caveman picks up a big win and advances to the finals to earn a shot at the World Title at Memphis In May two weeks from now. And it's time fans to find out who the Caveman will face in that match."
Backwater:"And time to find out if Sniper makes it at all. I don't see how he could. I haven't heard that they have even set bail. Thunderbolt may win by default."
MJ:"We'll find out right now. Here's Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall and is a semi-final fight in the World Title tournament. Introducing first, weighing in at 375lbs, Thunderbolt Lightfoot!"
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 240lbs and hailing from a classified location, Sniper!"
("Welcome To The Jungle" starts to play. But to the surprise of absolutely no one, Sniper does not appear at the top of the ramp.)
MJ:"Here we go again. Is he really not here this time, or is this another ploy?"
Backwater:"I'm starting to think he's really not here. The ref has called for the bell and is starting a countout."
(The lights go out in the arena. The Jumbotron springs to life with a large Fox News logo in the middle. An anchorman appears in the middle of the screen and starts to talk.)
New Anchor:"Breaking news out of Houston, Texas. The popular professional wrestler and marine sniper known simply as Sniper was released earlier today from a Houston jail. According to the report, ballastic's proved that the bullet used in the shooting did not match Sniper's rifle and he was released and all charges were dropped. Fox News tried to get an interview with Sniper, but as soon as he was released, he quickly disapeared."
(The lights come back on and Sniper is in the ring, behind Thunderbolt Lightfoot. He is wearing his usual camo except for a large jester hat that is on his head. He grabs Lightfoot from behind and locks on the Columbian Necktie.)
MJ:"Sniper is here! The match was already started by the ref and Sniper jumped Lightfoot from behind while he was still watching the Jumbotron! Lightfoot is in trouble. Sniper has the Columbian Necktie locked in deep. Lightfoot is too proud to tap but he may pass out!"
Backwater:"Thunderbolt is such a large man that you have to put a submission on in the dead center of the ring or he might be able to reach a rope. So that clown was Sniper the whole time? He was walking around the arena all night. He bumped you. He squirted Apollo. All that stuff."
MJ:"Lightfoot can't fight it any longer. The ref is checking and Lightfoot is out! The ref calls for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via submission, Sniper!"
MJ:"Sniper has advanced to the finals with a sneak attack win over Thunderbolt Lightfoot! It will be Sniper versus Captain Caveman for the USCW Heavyweight Championship at Memphis In May!"
Backwater:"Sniper quickly rolls out of the ring and heads to the back. But look at this. Out of the crowd just jumped El Presidente! And he has a sledgehammer!"
MJ:"He is in the ring now and is bringing a groggy Thunderbolt Lightfoot to his feet. He is up in Lightfoot's face yelling at him. He sets the sledgehammer down and grabs Thunderbolt. He is putting Lightfoot in the Bump N Grind! That's the finisher of "Sweet" Gordy Dix! What an insult."
Backwater:"And now, he is using the sledgehammer for extra leverage as he puts the Bullride on Lightfoot! He is running through all the moves of the former PP&H members! Lightfoot is helpless in the ring. El Presidente finally stands up and now is wielding that sledgehammer. I don't like Lightfoot but I'm not sure he deserves to die!"
MJ:"Fans, we are out of time! Join us next week when Monday Night Mayhem will be live from Nashville, Tennessee. We will be broadcasting from the Gaylord Entertainment Center. The Crippler will make his debut and we will have several grudge matches as we prepare for Memphis In May. For Earl Backwater, I am Michael Johnson. Goodnight everybody!"
(Scene fades as El Presidente raises the sledgehammer over his head and is about to slam it down on Thunderbolt Lightfoot. An overhead camera sweeps the crowd, and then settles on the red USCW logo in the center of the ring as the camera fades to black..)
(Once again fireworks shoot from the ringposts and explode above the ring.)
MJ:"We are live here from the Georgia Dome in Atlanta, Georgia! Once again we have an amazing night of USCW action ahead of us. We will find out tonight who the two men will be that will battle for the USCW Heavyweight Championship, just two weeks away at USCW Memphis In May! In addition to those two huge tournament matches, we will see the anticipated debut of the monster Colossus. And speaking of anticipation, there is already an electricity in the arena. The fans want to see Sweardog McCrackin and The Lineman take on Apollo and Hades, The Immortals. Joining me as usual is Earl Backwater."
Backwater:"The fans aren't the only ones who are looking forward to this night. This is our strongest show lineup yet. I can't wait to see these matches. The main event of Thunderbolt Lightfoot and Sniper is also a huge match. But will Sniper even be able to be here? Last we heard he was in jail in Houston. Will he show up tonight? Nobody knows. This night will be huge in determining what will happen at the USCW's return to Pay Per View, USCW Memphis In May."
MJ:"Right you are Earl. This has to be one of the biggest nights in USCW history."
(A clown wearing a large jester hat moves behind the broadcast booth. He is giving out balloons and selling candy to the kids in the audience. He walks directly behind where MJ is sitting at the desk.)
MJ:"Ouch! Watch it clown! I swear that clown just elbowed me in the back on purpose!"
Backwater:"Don't be ridiculous MJ. He's just passing out balloons and candy. It was an accident. But on a seperate note, who brings kids to USCW shows? Can you say dysfunctional?"
(The lights dim in the arena. After a few seconds, a message in white against a black background shows on the Jumbotron. It reads "Hard Hitten" and I ain't Even Shitten!!! "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds starts to play as Marcus Whitten walk out, once again pulling a cooler down towards the ringside area. He has on jeans and steel toe boots, with a t-shirt that reads "Hired Help".)
MJ:"Here we go again with Whitten coming down to the ring. He really should have to buy a ticket to sit ringside."
Backwater:"Whitten is a superstar. He can do what he wants. Besides, it doesn't look like he has his lawn chair. It looks like he is walking over this way."
(Whitten rolls his cooler around the back of the desk, grabs a pair of headphones, and sits down next to MJ and Earl. He grabs a Natural Light from the cooler, cracks it open and takes a sip before speaking.)
Whitten:"Evening fellas. Since this is such a boring show tonight, I thought I would spice it up a little bit."
MJ:"Boring show? This is one of the best shows we've ever had!"
Whitten:"Well, that couldn't be true because I don't have a match tonight. But now that I'm announcing, it just went up a notch."
MJ:"Well, we certainly feel priviledged. Fans, we are ready for the first match of the night. And it's an anticipated debut. Let's take it down to Cindy for the introductions. Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, weighing in at 210 pounds, Tsuyoshi Sakuraba!"
(Sakuraba turns a backflip in the ring.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 350 pounds, Colossus!"
("Unforgiven II" by Metallica plays as Colossus emerges from the back and makes his way down to the ring.)
MJ:"What a huge man. I'm eager to see what Colossus can do."
Backwater:"Me too. From what I've heard, he has trained for years now just for this very moment. I would be willing to bet he takes advantage of it."
Whitten:"If he's done all this "training" for years and can beat Tsuyoshi, he needs a new trainer."
MJ:"The bell rings and we are underway. Sakuraba charges at Colossus and tries a flying drop kick! But look at that! Unbelievable!"
Backwater:"Colossus just caught Sakuraba in midair! And now he lifts and presses him up over his head!"
MJ:"Sakuraba has to be eight feet or more up above the ring. And now Colossus just steps forward and lets Sakuraba crash down to the mat!"
Backwater:"This one looks like it will be over early."
Whitten:"The kid has potential. If I took him under my wing, he might could make something out of himself in this league. And I could definately show him the ropes, for the right price of course."
MJ:"Colossus has Sakuraba back up now and slaps on a full nelson. He lifts Sakuraba up and over his head, slamming Sakuraba headfirst to the mat and bridges it into a pin! That is the Lockdown!
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3!! Colossus easily wins his debut!"
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, Colossus!"
MJ:"A quick and easy win for Collossus in his USCW debut. And what's this. Colossus has climbed out of the ring is is walking over to our broadcast location!"
(Colossus walks over to the desk. He stares down Whitten. Whitten stands up and stares back. The two move closer and are almost nose to nose when Colossus quickly bends down and snatches a Natural Light out of the cooler. He opens it, slams the beer, crushes the can with his hand and tosses it to Whitten before heading to the back.)
Backwater:"Hey, how come everybody around here can drink but me?"
MJ:"Your opinions often sound like they are coming from a drunk person so I don't suppose it would make much difference."
(Whitten sits back down.)
Whitten:"Of course I was going to offer you one Earl. I don't mind sharing my beer. As long as somebody asks first. Not like Colossus there. That was fucked up."
MJ:"It wasn't that bad Marcus."
Whitten:"Nah. That's fucked up like a cricket in a hubcap."
Backwater:"What? What does that mean?"
Whitten:"You ever had a cricket in your hubcap?"
Backwater:"No, Hard Hitten, I can't say that I have."
Whitten:"Well just trust me. It's fucked up."
Backwater:"I believe it. While we have you down here Marcus, I have a question."
Whitten:"Shoot."
Backwater:"What's the deal with all the hate between you and the Immortals? Do you think you might have run into those guys during your days as a bouncer?"
Whitten:"Well I doubt that Earl. I've never worked gay clubs."
MJ:"Will you two cut it out with the comedy routine. We are ready for our next match. Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, at a combined weight of 510lbs and accompanied to the ring by Persephone, Apollo and Hades, The Immortals!"
("Crossroads" by Bone Thugs & Harmony starts to play as Apollo and Hades emerge from the back. Apollo has switched from his white toga to a dark black one. Persephone is with them, dressed in tight black jeans and a low cut black shirt exposing an ample amount of cleavage.)
CM:"And their opponents, at a combined weight of 630lbs and accompanied by Ms. Kitty, The Lineman and Smackin' Sweardog McKrackin!"
("Another One Bites The Dust" plays as the crowd cheers the arrival of Sweardog and The Lineman. They climb into the ring and stare down The Immortals.)
Whitten:"Well fellas. Time for me to stir the pot. Excuse me."
(Whitten moves out from behind the announcer's desk. He climbs into the ring and takes Cindy Maxwell's microphone. All four of the match participants are in the ring and stare at Whitten as he begins to speak.)
Whitten:"What do we have here? A match consisting of two wannabe wrestlers, and two never will be wrestlers. Good thing I showed up tonight, someone had to give the fans something to cheer about."
(Some fans do cheer but the majority boo loudly.)
Whitten:"Let's face it folks, nobody cares who wins this match, because nobody is in this match. It's too bad nobody took me up on my offer for a tag team partner, or I'd be wrestling The Immortals tonight. Oh well, since I really don't need a partner, how bout we see if I can get the contract signed for a little one on two match, handicap style? I'll show you what this "club muscle" is all about, what do you think?"
(Hade sneers and lunges towards Whitten but Apollo holds him back as Whitten continues.)
Whitten:"Immortals, you dared me to come down to this ring and here I stand. I figure you got two options, either we can go right here, and I'll give you two a good ole fashioned country ass whoopin'. Or we can save it for a future time. It's up to you boys, don't talk about it, be about it. Make a move bitches!!!"
(Apollo is about to turn Hades loose when "Crazy Train" cranks up over the arena speakers. The wrestlers all turn to see "Lightning" Scott Baxter step out onto the ramp. The music fades and Baxter pulls out a wireless mic.)
LSB:"Well, well, well. It seems once again somebody seems to think they can do a better job than me at matchmaking. Marcus Whitten, you have guts calling out both the Immortals at once. I'll give you that. But guts and brains are different. And sometimes I wonder if you have a decent supply of the latter. You'll get your shot at the Immortals. But it won't be tonight. Two weeks from tonight, the USCW is hosting an event that will be broadcast on HBO Sports Pay Per View, USCW Memphis In May."
(The crowd cheers loudly at the mention of the event.)
LSB:"Already scheduled for that night is the finals of the World Title tournament. Well, I'm adding a new match to that schedule. On Sunday, May 21st, from the Pyramid in Memphis, The Immortals will have a rematch of tonight's match with Sweardog McKrackin and The Lineman, only this time, the World Tag Team Championship will be on the line!"
(The crowd reacts with cheers once again.)
LSB:"Now you might wonder where that leaves you Whitten. Well don't worry old friend I have plans for you. You want a piece of the Immortals so you will also be in that match for the World Tag Team Championship. And since you seem to have struck up such a nice relationship with him, Colossus will join you as your tag team partner in a triple threat tag match for the World Tag Team Titles!"
(The crowd really explodes this time as all five men in the ring react with surprise.)
LSB:"Now because I know you all too well, I am also ordering that Marcus Whitten is banned from the ringside area for this match."
Whitten:"But I have money on this fight!"
LSB:"And I've got my eye on you. As much as you'd like it to be, this isn't Monday Night Whitten. It's Mayhem. And you've gotten enough face time. So pack up your cooler and head to the back."
(Whitten gives a cold look before climbing out of the ring and grabbing his cooler.)
LSB:"Now, you four give this crowd a preview of Memphis In May!"
(Baxter walks into the back, followed shortly by Whitten and his cooler.)
MJ:"Wow, what a bombshell dropped right before this match gets underway. A three way match at Memphis In May for the World Tag Team Titles! Woah, the men in the ring are excited also, because they just started brawling!
Backwater:"The ref is trying to restore order but this one is out of hand!"
MJ:"Wow, this actually is Mayhem. I don't think they are going to get this brawl under control. Look at this!"
Backwater:"Is that the Caveman? With a bunch of flowers?"
MJ:"The Caveman is ringside and just gave some flowers to Persephone. How bizarre. Meanwhile in the ring, the brawl continues."
Backwater:"And now look at this! It's Colossus! Colossus is coming to ringside. He is now involved in that big three way match. I wonder what he is doing down here."
MJ:"The Caveman smiles and backs away as Colossus makes his way to ringside. The Lineman and Hades are brawling near one corner and Colossus approaches the corner. He reaches out and grabs Hades by the foot! Hades is distracted and The Lineman takes advantage by connecting on a big right had that sends Hades down to the mat."
Backwater:"Apollo has gained the advantage on Sweardog on the other side of the ring. He takes Sweardog down and is locking on the Achilles Heel!"
MJ:"The Lineman runs over and makes the save by kicking Apollo away from Sweardog. But Hades is back up and attacks The Lineman from behind. Apollo jumps back up and the Immortals doubleteam The Lineman and double clothesline him up and over the top rope! And now it's Sweardog's turn! He goes up and over the top rope!"
Backwater"The ref has seen enough. He is calling for the bell."
CM:"The match has been declared a no contest!"
MJ:"USCW security is flooding the area now as The Lineman and Sweardog try to get back into the ring but they are being held back by security. What was the deal with Colossus? He distracted Hades and then walked to the back. Was he trying to help Sweardog and Lineman?"
(The USCW security convinces Sweardog and Lineman to head to the back as Hades and Apollo taunt them in the ring. Then Apollo and Hades climb out of the ring. Hades sees Persephone with flowers and stares over at Earl Backwater.)
Backwater:"Wait a minute. I didn't give her those flowers. I didn't even mention her tonight. Even with the top half of her rather large boobs hanging out of her shirt."
(Hades walks over and gives Backwater a headbutt to the forehead. Hades laughs at the stunned Backwater and walks to the back with Apollo.)
MJ:"Partner, are you ok? That was quite a blow."
(Earl just stares off into space.)
(As Apollo and Hades head towards the back, the clown from earlier walks over to the rails and get their attention. Apollo walks over and suddenly a stream of water comes shooting from the flower on the clown's shirt and hits Apollo in the face. The clown pulls on his suspenders and dances around before quickly making his exit. Apollo wipes his face before he and Hades head backstage.)
MJ:"Man, that clown in annoying. Did you see that Earl?"
(Earl just stares off into space.)
MJ:"Well, I hope he comes back around fans. Because we don't have time to wait. It's time for our first semi-final match. Let's take it down to Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall and is a semi-final fight in the World Title tournament. Introducing first, weighing in at 160lbs and accompanied to the ring by Downtown Jimmy Brown, Secshun Ate!"
("The Ghetto" by Too Short starts to play as Secshun Ate comes strutting out from the back with Jimmy Brown. He struts his way down to the ring in tattered old clothes, and of course, his brand new Air Jordans.)
Backwater:"Wow, Secshun Ate has put on twenty pounds."
MJ:"Ah, you're back."
Backwater:"Where did I go?"
MJ:"Nevermind. I guess a USCW paycheck has allowed Secshun Ate to start eating better."
Backwater:"That or he stole another Tyson Chicken truck."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 250lbs and accompanied to the ring by Aphrodite, Captain Caveman!"
(Congo drums start to play as dinosaur noises fill the arena. The Caveman walks out first and struts down to the ring. Aphrodite comes out shortly after him, making dissaproving faces as they make their way to the ring.)
MJ:"Aphrodite looks none too pleased with Captain Caveman."
Backwater:"Why should she? Don't you watch Cheaters?"
MJ:"The bell rings and this semi-final match is underway. This should be the battle of the headbutt. Both men utilize headbutts as a major part of their offensive arsenal."
Backwater:"So whoever is the most hard headed should win."
MJ:"Funny. Secshun Ate and the Caveman circle each other. Once again, as in his last match, Secshun Ate is dancing around the ring avoiding contact. They finally come together and slam into each other with a double headbutt! Both men are dazed!"
Backwater:"This match won't last long if that keeps up."
MJ:"Captain Caveman shakes out the cobwebs and grabs Secshun Ate. He whips him into the ropes and then connects on a big forearm to the head as Secshun Ate bounces back towards him. Captain Caveman goes for a quick cover!
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No. Sechsun Ate kicks out."
Backwater:"Captain Caveman picks him back up and Secshun Ate quickly slips away and rolls to the outside of the ring."
MJ:"Secshun Ate is developing a reputation for avoiding wrestling as much as possible. Captain Caveman is looking confused inside the ring now as Secshun Ate looks for a good place to roll back inside the ring."
Backwater:"What the......."
(From the back four men come streaking down the ramp. Three of them are pushing shopping carts and all of them have squeegees and windex. The fourth man is actually inside one of the shopping carts. They are all dressed in ragged old clothes and don't appear to have bathed in quite some time.)
MJ:"Look at the sign one of those guys is holding. "Bum Squad". I think I recognize some of those guys from interviews I've seen with Secshun Ate. Secshun Ate has slid back into the ring now and is about to lock up with Captain Caveman.
Backwater:"And look at this "Bum Squad", they are panhandling for change with everyone in the front row. And what in the world is that smell? That clown needs to come back around and spray these guys with some water. And follow it up with some soap."
MJ:"This time Secshun Ate has taken the advantage. He connects on a series of jabs and right hands to stun the Caveman. He quickly scoots to the top turnbuckle and comes jumping off and connects a flying headbutt to the still stunned Caveman. Sechsun Ate goes for a cover!
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No! Captain Caveman gets a shoulder up at the last second."
(The crowd starts to boo as Apollo steps out from the back in his black toga and stares down at the ring area. He has a look of complete hate in his eyes as he stares down Captain Caveman and avoids looking at Aphrodite.)
MJ:"Apollo is here and it's obvious that he is not done thinking about Captain Caveman."
Backwater:"Well, the Caveman knocked him out of this tournament with the help of outside interference. That can't sit well with a man like Apollo."
MJ:"It's obvious that Apollo is trying to garner the Caveman's attention but as usual, Captain Caveman seems oblivious to anything outside the ring. Secshun Ate has Captain Caveman up now and whips him into the ropes. He goes for a clothesline as the Caveman comes back but Captain Caveman ducks the clothesline and bounces off the far side ropes. Caveman Clothesline!"
Backwater:"Apollo has started making his way towards the ring now and is starting to shout at Captain Caveman but it doesn't seem to be having much affect."
MJ:"Captain Caveman climbs to the top rope. He leaps and connects on the Dino Drop! This could be it! Captain Caveman goes for a cover.
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3!!! Captain Caveman wins!"
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, Captain Caveman!"
Backwater:"Apollo looks disgusted now as two of the bums come up asking him for money. He sends them away and turns to head towards the back. I think he was planning on distracting Captain Caveman. But nothing he was doing would work. I think a tornado could be blowing around the ringside area and the Caveman wouldn't notice."
(The Caveman makes his way to the back with Aphrodite still walking behind him and frowning. The Bum Squad grab Secshun Ate and put him in a shopping cart and push him back up the ramp.)
MJ:"Captain Caveman picks up a big win and advances to the finals to earn a shot at the World Title at Memphis In May two weeks from now. And it's time fans to find out who the Caveman will face in that match."
Backwater:"And time to find out if Sniper makes it at all. I don't see how he could. I haven't heard that they have even set bail. Thunderbolt may win by default."
MJ:"We'll find out right now. Here's Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall and is a semi-final fight in the World Title tournament. Introducing first, weighing in at 375lbs, Thunderbolt Lightfoot!"
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 240lbs and hailing from a classified location, Sniper!"
("Welcome To The Jungle" starts to play. But to the surprise of absolutely no one, Sniper does not appear at the top of the ramp.)
MJ:"Here we go again. Is he really not here this time, or is this another ploy?"
Backwater:"I'm starting to think he's really not here. The ref has called for the bell and is starting a countout."
(The lights go out in the arena. The Jumbotron springs to life with a large Fox News logo in the middle. An anchorman appears in the middle of the screen and starts to talk.)
New Anchor:"Breaking news out of Houston, Texas. The popular professional wrestler and marine sniper known simply as Sniper was released earlier today from a Houston jail. According to the report, ballastic's proved that the bullet used in the shooting did not match Sniper's rifle and he was released and all charges were dropped. Fox News tried to get an interview with Sniper, but as soon as he was released, he quickly disapeared."
(The lights come back on and Sniper is in the ring, behind Thunderbolt Lightfoot. He is wearing his usual camo except for a large jester hat that is on his head. He grabs Lightfoot from behind and locks on the Columbian Necktie.)
MJ:"Sniper is here! The match was already started by the ref and Sniper jumped Lightfoot from behind while he was still watching the Jumbotron! Lightfoot is in trouble. Sniper has the Columbian Necktie locked in deep. Lightfoot is too proud to tap but he may pass out!"
Backwater:"Thunderbolt is such a large man that you have to put a submission on in the dead center of the ring or he might be able to reach a rope. So that clown was Sniper the whole time? He was walking around the arena all night. He bumped you. He squirted Apollo. All that stuff."
MJ:"Lightfoot can't fight it any longer. The ref is checking and Lightfoot is out! The ref calls for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via submission, Sniper!"
MJ:"Sniper has advanced to the finals with a sneak attack win over Thunderbolt Lightfoot! It will be Sniper versus Captain Caveman for the USCW Heavyweight Championship at Memphis In May!"
Backwater:"Sniper quickly rolls out of the ring and heads to the back. But look at this. Out of the crowd just jumped El Presidente! And he has a sledgehammer!"
MJ:"He is in the ring now and is bringing a groggy Thunderbolt Lightfoot to his feet. He is up in Lightfoot's face yelling at him. He sets the sledgehammer down and grabs Thunderbolt. He is putting Lightfoot in the Bump N Grind! That's the finisher of "Sweet" Gordy Dix! What an insult."
Backwater:"And now, he is using the sledgehammer for extra leverage as he puts the Bullride on Lightfoot! He is running through all the moves of the former PP&H members! Lightfoot is helpless in the ring. El Presidente finally stands up and now is wielding that sledgehammer. I don't like Lightfoot but I'm not sure he deserves to die!"
MJ:"Fans, we are out of time! Join us next week when Monday Night Mayhem will be live from Nashville, Tennessee. We will be broadcasting from the Gaylord Entertainment Center. The Crippler will make his debut and we will have several grudge matches as we prepare for Memphis In May. For Earl Backwater, I am Michael Johnson. Goodnight everybody!"
(Scene fades as El Presidente raises the sledgehammer over his head and is about to slam it down on Thunderbolt Lightfoot. An overhead camera sweeps the crowd, and then settles on the red USCW logo in the center of the ring as the camera fades to black..)